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watermock
03-27-2003, 02:15 PM
Yes, it's that time again...

http://www.bsnn.net/Movies/Jackasses.jpg

watermock
03-27-2003, 02:17 PM
http://www.bsnn.net/Movies/Bedouin%20Hillbillies.jpg

watermock
03-27-2003, 02:21 PM
http://www.bsnn.net/Movies/sheilds.jpg

Tredici
03-27-2003, 02:27 PM
And..

Nute 7
03-27-2003, 02:32 PM
But still kind of funny.

Nute 7
03-27-2003, 02:39 PM
Here's some irony for you all....

watermock
03-27-2003, 02:40 PM
there are your REAL Lesbians CoPipes....

too funny,...

FADERPROOF
03-27-2003, 03:01 PM
Wanna hear a joke?

France

BoiseBluTurf
03-27-2003, 03:05 PM
Not sure if this is the thread... but there was not really anywhere else I coMarine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day by a female interviewer concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun control this is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between the female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald as he was preparing to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
uld put it:)... Funny stuff though

PatsWin2002
03-27-2003, 04:03 PM
Just got this one......

watermock
03-27-2003, 05:54 PM
http://www.bsnn.net/Movies/Situation%20Hopeless.jpg

watermock
03-27-2003, 06:00 PM
http://www.bsnn.net/Movies/bowling.jpg

Tredici
03-28-2003, 09:53 PM
Michael, for the love of God, leave the dog home! No more plastic surgery. Please.

Rocko
03-28-2003, 11:04 PM
:D

GloryMule
03-29-2003, 07:32 AM
Originally posted by BoiseBluTurf
Not sure if this is the thread... but there was not really anywhere else I coMarine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day by a female interviewer concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun control this is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between the female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald as he was preparing to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
uld put it:)... Funny stuff though I gotta remember this one. Ha!

BombsOverBaghdad
03-29-2003, 08:16 AM
Shooting Bin Laden (http://www.rock103.com/bin.html)

This site is a little entertaining

BombsOverBaghdad
03-30-2003, 06:53 PM
the 3 cant's:

ToroGuns
03-31-2003, 07:05 AM
Some ideas below for your next game of Scrabble... (very inventive and clever).

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the Winners!


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (Mock will understand this one...)


6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.


8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


10. Glibido: All talk and no action.


11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Tredici
04-03-2003, 03:51 PM
PERSIAN GULF (Reuters)- The Pentagon revealed today that four high-ranking Taliban prisoners suspected of having close ties to Osama bin Laden and his al Qaeda terrorist network were released from custody early this morning.

The prisoners were captured during the furious battle at Tora
Bora in Afghanistan during December, 2001 and had been held
captive for CIA, DIA and FBI intelligence debriefings for nearly
thirteen months aboard the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise
(CVN-65).

The prisoners were provided $50 cash each and a white 1963 Ford Fairlane for their return trip home to Saudi Arabia.
Navy photographers aboard the Enterprise captured the following
photo as the prisoners departed the ship.

PatsWin2002
04-05-2003, 10:34 AM
Just got this in an email.......

How to know Judgement Day is near

"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war!"

Robb
04-05-2003, 01:47 PM
**chuckle**

Robb
04-05-2003, 02:00 PM
(26 December 1997, Brazil) A bicyclist crossing an airport runway in Sorocaba, a city 87 kilometers from Sao Paulo, was killed when he was hit by a landing airplane. Marcelo, 25, could not hear the twin-engine plane because he was listening to his Walkman on headphones, investigators said. The propellor and right wing of the plane were damaged.

Hogan11
04-05-2003, 03:54 PM
Harry is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Charlie?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Charlie."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."

watermock
04-05-2003, 04:45 PM
http://www.politicaltoons.com/toons/political50.gif

watermock
04-05-2003, 04:53 PM
http://www.politicaltoons.com/toons/political50.gif

watermock
04-05-2003, 06:54 PM
http://www.bsnn.net/caption/images/chirac.jpg

Rock Chalk
04-05-2003, 07:11 PM
Hahaha

http://www.politicaltoons.com/flash/saddam_smacky.cfm

watermock
04-05-2003, 08:21 PM
http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=1662

watermock
04-05-2003, 08:36 PM
http://www.madblast.com/media/picture/wish_brains.jpg

broncogary
04-06-2003, 01:40 PM
Yo mama so fat she has to use a matress for a tampon.

broncogary
04-06-2003, 01:42 PM
That's for all yo denver bronco fans I am now a RAIDERS fan!

broncogary
04-06-2003, 01:46 PM
What'll think about that!RAIDERS RULE!

Rohirrim
04-06-2003, 02:05 PM
Originally posted by broncogary
What'll think about that!RAIDERS RULE!

Uh, you might want to change the name.

broncogary
04-06-2003, 02:57 PM
Originally posted by Rohirrim


Uh, you might want to change the name. .

Sorry about that. I left the Orange Mane open while I was taking a nap. My 11 year old daughter wrote those three posts above. She's from the darkside. ;D

I am still a Bronco fan. :hooray:

loborugger
04-06-2003, 05:59 PM
Originally posted by watermock
http://www.madblast.com/media/picture/wish_brains.jpg

You know, what makes this picture is porta-pots in the background. Dont know about you, but I dont think I have EVER had a pic taken in front of them.

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:02 PM
Yeah, that was the coup de gras.

Classy.

If you look close you can see the gapped teeth.

I'd still do her brains tho.

broncogary
04-06-2003, 06:02 PM
Originally posted by loborugger


You know, what makes this picture is porta-pots in the background. Dont know about you, but I dont think I have EVER had a pic taken in front of them.

Those were condos, lobo. ;D

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:33 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/saddam_corpse.jpg

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:37 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/corporate_fighter_jet.jpg

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:40 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_canofwhoopass.jpg

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:47 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_dummyact.gif

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:50 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/saddam_ad.jpg

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:56 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/saddamosama_readytorumble.jpg

watermock
04-06-2003, 06:59 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/saddam_helenthomas.jpg

watermock
04-06-2003, 09:29 PM
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/saddam_notsogreatdictator.jpg

Tredici
04-07-2003, 07:17 AM
Not a single one of us...

Tredici
04-07-2003, 01:17 PM
The Bush Foreign Policy

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Sassy
04-07-2003, 07:31 PM
Subject: Men (written by a WOman)




1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

10. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)

broncogary
04-07-2003, 07:39 PM
So, ND, what guy wrote those for you? ;D

Sassy
04-07-2003, 07:46 PM
Originally posted by broncogary
So, ND, what guy wrote those for you? ;D
Actually, It was an email...from a guy rofl!

broncogary
04-07-2003, 07:48 PM
At least you appreciated it enough to pass it on. :D

BombsOverBaghdad
04-10-2003, 09:48 PM
Looking for a few more contributions -- it has been a very long day!

Tredici
04-11-2003, 06:02 AM
Better late than never. Here ya go, Bombs.

THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank toopen a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have the President of The Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

Tredici
04-11-2003, 06:03 AM
Why It’s Great To Be A Guy...

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president

You can wear a white shirt to a water park

Foreplay is optional

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.

Wrinkles add character

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?

One mood, all the time.

Tredici
04-11-2003, 09:51 AM
In case Bombs is still having a bad day. One for you boys.

10. YOU CAN TRADE AND OLD .44 FOR TWO NEW 22'S.

9. YOU CAN HAVE A HANDGUN AT HOME AND ANOTHER FOR THE ROAD.

8. IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL BE IMPRESSED AND LET YOU TRY A FEW ROUNDS WITH IT.

7. YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU HAVE A BACKUP.

6. YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU ARE OUT OF AMMO.

5. A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE AND DOESN'T REQUIRE 200 PAIR OF SHOES.

4. HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

3. A HANDGUN WON'T ASK,"DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

2. A HANDGUN DOES NOT MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU'RE DONE USING IT.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!

ToroGuns
04-11-2003, 03:05 PM
I don't know if this has been posted before, but this shows just how quickly technology moves along.

http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/

Rob B.
04-11-2003, 10:08 PM
3 midgets sitting on a bench, world guiness records studio other side of the street, first one goes ****, my arms are short, ill go see if i have the shortest in the world, he goes, comes back all happy and ****, luck has it, he has the shortest arms in the world

next midget is like ****, my les are short, i want a world record, goes in, comes back whislin dicksie, hes got the shortest legs in the world...yay

3rd midget is gettin jelous, goes in checks his head, ears, nose, nothin is the smallest, so hes like, okay NO1 can have a smaller dick then me, ill get that checked, goes in, comes back pissed, 2 other midgets are like, whats the matter, hes like

"DAMN RICH GANNON"

BleedingOrange
04-12-2003, 11:15 AM
Subject: 'Jesus is watching you'

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

PatsWin2002
04-15-2003, 11:22 AM
Catch the Babies as Wacko Jacko drops them over the railing.

http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/mj_baby_drop_2.swf

Tredici
04-17-2003, 06:43 AM
A fireman came home from work and told his wife, "We have a
great system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all
put on our jackets. Then Bell 2 rings and we all slide down
the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're all set to go on the
trucks."

"From now on," he continued, "this house will be run the
same way. When I say Bell 1, you're to strip naked. When I
say Bell 2, you jump into bed and when I say Bell 3, we're
going to make love all night."

When he came home the next night, he yelled Bell 1 and his
wife took off her clothes. Then he yelled Bell 2 and his
wife jumped into bed. He then yelled Bell 3 and they began
to make love.

After a few minutes, his wife shouted, "Bell 4!" "What the
heck is Bell 4?" he asked.

"More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"

Tredici
04-25-2003, 11:48 AM
Here's something for all the "youngsters" on the board...

I Can't Believe We Made It!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, or 70's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking ...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Unimaginable!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.

We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal with it.

If you are one of them and have managed to survive?

Congratulations.

Evenrude
04-25-2003, 04:17 PM
First day of School


An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego
and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks a little surprised and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied.
The teacher asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then who
do you support?"
"I'm a Bronco fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher, now becoming interested in the lone dissenter asks,
"Mary, why are you a Bronco fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are from Denver and my mom is a Bronco fan and my dad is a Bronco fan, so I'm a Bronco fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's
not necessarily a reason for you to be a Bronco fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan."

BombsOverBaghdad
04-25-2003, 04:21 PM
LOL LOL LOL

Nice! Real nice.

loborugger
04-25-2003, 06:36 PM
Originally posted by Tredici
Here's something for all the "youngsters" on the board...

I Can't Believe We Made It!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, or 70's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking ...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Unimaginable!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.

We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal with it.

If you are one of them and have managed to survive?

Congratulations.

AWESOME POST, Tre. I have tried to convey this concept, but never with a 1/10 the clarity. Do you know, I have actually had funny looks riding a bike sans helmet.... to think.

BombsOverBaghdad
04-28-2003, 05:42 PM
a little departure from the draft:

BombsOverBaghdad
04-29-2003, 09:06 AM
Iraq's minister of information went to Saddam Hussein's 10 doubles, and
said: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is Saddam is still
alive." Ten sighs of relief as they all still were employed. "The bad
news - Saddam lost a leg."

Tredici
04-29-2003, 09:12 AM
Subject: Breaking News
_
This just in ....

A resolution was recently proposed in the UN to form a new union

between the Turks and Kurds. This would create a new nation along the Iraq border to be called the Turds.

France vetoed the measure citing historical rights to the name.

BombsOverBaghdad
04-29-2003, 09:19 AM
Nice ;D

I always thought a turd was when a Kurd and a Turk had a child -- I did not know that it was also a country!

BombsOverBaghdad
04-29-2003, 07:16 PM
The Ultimate Senior Moment

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since
her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she
and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as
one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou
Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond
goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but a-ha! You guessed it - Morris is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for
more "action." And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set
to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed
that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with
guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are
truly a great lover, Morris".

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:


"You mean I was here already?"

broncogary
04-29-2003, 07:23 PM
Yes, if we could only remember all the great things we have done.;D

Tredici
05-01-2003, 09:22 AM
CODE BREAKING

Saddam Hussein recently received a coded message from George Bush. It_ read:
________________________________________ 370HSSV - 0773H

He called in the expert Iraqi code breakers who spent hours trying to_crack it and finally did so by turning it upside down.

Tredici
05-01-2003, 09:24 AM
A Teacher's Comeback

_A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final__exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there__tomorrow. _I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury_or illness, _or a death in your immediate family - but that's__it, no other excuses _whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter _sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order......

Rohirrim
05-01-2003, 09:47 AM
Southern Jokes

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout whut?"



Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is
carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have
one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"Ummmmm..ok.....five?"


An Alabamian came home and found his
house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we git there?"
"Shucks, aint you fellers still got them big red trucks?"


Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.


Ida Mae passed away in Loose-e-anna and Bubba called 911. The
911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Georgia?
Documentaries


Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas.
(If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a
teethbrush!)


Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The
winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


A new law was recently passed in South Carolina so that when a
couple
gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.


How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"
and the person at the front desk says, "Go head!"

Rohirrim
05-02-2003, 08:58 AM
A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. " What's the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember when we were first dating, we were so young?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband continues, his voice brimming with emotion. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll see that you go to jail for 30 years?'"

"I remember that," she replies softly, taking his hand.

He wipes a tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Tredici
05-08-2003, 08:58 AM
One for Glory and Robb

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
_
Then Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme.
_And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
_
And Man and Woman said "Yeah, and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
_
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane, and combined them.

And woman went from size 3 to size 9. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman had to unfasten their belts.
_
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big It needed its own platter.
_
And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman watched TV and gained more pounds.
_
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And man and woman gained another ten pounds.
_
God then gave lean beef so that man and woman might consume fewer calories and still satisfy their appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man
replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest.
_
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
_
And Satan created HMO

Rohirrim
05-08-2003, 11:18 AM
WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Rohirrim
05-08-2003, 11:28 AM
> > What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
> > Juan on Juan.
> >
> > What is a Yankee?
> > The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
> >
> > What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
> > The position of the dirt bag.
> >
> > Why is divorce so expensive?
> > Because it's worth it.
> >
> > What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> > Doughnuts.
> >
> > Why is air a lot like sex?
> > Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
> >
> >
> > SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
> >
> > What do you call a smart blonde?
> > A golden retriever.
> >
> > What do attorneys use for birth control?
> > Their personalities.
> >
> > What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> > 45 lbs.
> >
> > What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> > 45 minutes.
> >
> > What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> > Through his chest with a sharp knife.
> >
> > Why do men want to marry virgins?
> > They can't stand criticism.
> >
> > Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
> > good-looking?
> > Because those men already have boyfriends.
> >
> > What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> > After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
> >
> > What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> > The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> driving.
> >
> > Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
> > Because they have cotton balls.
> >
> > What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> > A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
> >
> > What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> > "Are you sure it's mine?"
> >
> > Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> > Mace will do that to you.
> >
> > Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
> > Everyone has the same DNA.
> >
> > Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> > Breasts don't have eyes.
> >
> > Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
> > He walks around saying "Yo."
> >
> > Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only
> on
> > Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> > Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
> >
> > SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III
> >
> > Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> > A different bar.
> >
> > Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
> > They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
> >
> > What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
> other?
> > A speech impediment.
> >
> > What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
> half-mast?
> > They're hiring.
> >
> > What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> > A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
> along with... "a recipe."
> >
> > How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
> > Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
> >
> > What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
> fairytale?
> > A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
> fairytale
> begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
> >
> > Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> > No one' s tall enough to go on the good rides.

Rohirrim
05-09-2003, 08:49 AM
As I've Matured...


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.


I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real
pains in the ass are permanent.

watermock
05-11-2003, 01:04 PM
Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).

Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.

Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can... black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 degrees (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals.

The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F. Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
------------------------------------------------------------
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.

Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake.

So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.

From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends.

This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.

BombsOverBaghdad
05-11-2003, 11:36 PM
----- From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a
true story from Texas.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking
lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it
was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of
the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the Police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it." said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Rohirrim
05-12-2003, 10:35 AM
The man story:

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So, I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 28, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She
was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.

When I was 35, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 42, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 52 and am looking for a girl with really big tits.

Tredici
05-12-2003, 10:44 AM
The Natural Order of Things:

FADERPROOF
05-12-2003, 10:46 AM
What does a Fat girl and a moped have in common?

They're both alright to ride as long as your friends don't know.

FADERPROOF
05-12-2003, 10:57 AM
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

He shrugged and said, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Tredici
05-12-2003, 12:13 PM
Successful Personal Ad...

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE...
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck,
hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating
out of your hand. Rub me the right way and
watch me respond. I'll be at
the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Dixie."



Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society

wildbill 575
05-14-2003, 02:08 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:09 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/sheepherding.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:13 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/wesuck.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:15 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/highrise.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:18 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/inbred.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:19 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/cowsuit.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:22 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/bigbunny.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:27 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/clown.jpg

Chief Wiggum once again gets Sideshow Bob....

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:36 AM
http://www.jokeuniversity.com/picpages/spanking.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 07:42 AM
http://www.bsnn.net/Movies/Bedouin%20Hillbillies.jpg

watermock
05-17-2003, 08:03 AM
http://www.finheaven.com/boardvb2/images/avatars/fhgg113.gif

csick
05-17-2003, 08:07 AM
Pretty funny, even if it is in French:

http://aprilwinchell.com/multimedia/media/misc/zazoo.mpg

BombsOverBaghdad
05-17-2003, 10:46 AM
Subject: FW: Killer biscuits


KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline).

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.


And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

loborugger
05-17-2003, 12:44 PM
Originally posted by csick
Pretty funny, even if it is in French:

http://aprilwinchell.com/multimedia/media/misc/zazoo.mpg

Kinda reminds me of French Foreign Policy. Is that Chirac as a child?

watermock
05-17-2003, 10:04 PM
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and says, "I've got another dress for you to clean".

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"Oh, no," she answers, "it's horseradish."

PatsWin2002
05-19-2003, 10:32 AM
"I won my tennis match.....I think I'll go see what the HazMat guys are up to...."

PatsWin2002
05-19-2003, 10:35 AM
I LOVE this one.

Soaked past the waist, barefooot, on an aluminum ladder in a swimming pool, and using an electric drill with the cord dangling down.......at least he has his safety glasses on :).

watermock
05-19-2003, 10:39 AM
The only thing missing is a 220 volt drill and a snickering wife with the pool boy.

As far as the first photo, Vijay Sing would be proud.

PatsWin2002
05-22-2003, 10:30 AM
Summer after SARS

BombsOverBaghdad
05-27-2003, 07:43 AM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two
men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man
came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This doggone gun is loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

BombsOverBaghdad
05-27-2003, 07:51 AM
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

BombsOverBaghdad
05-27-2003, 08:45 AM
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance...

BombsOverBaghdad
05-27-2003, 08:54 AM
What a difference 30 years can make:

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College
in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a
sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:

* The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1983.
* They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
* Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
* Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
* The CD was introduced the year they were born.
* They have always had an answering machine.
* They have always had cable.
* They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
* Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
* Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
* They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
* They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
* They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
* They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel," or "DE plane Boss, DE plane."
* They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R.even is.
* Michael Jackson has always been white.
* McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
* They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet????

BombsOverBaghdad
05-27-2003, 03:27 PM
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

csick
05-28-2003, 10:07 AM
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

PatsWin2002
05-29-2003, 09:10 AM
Griese and Fiedler competing for the starting QB job :laugh:.

fontaine
05-29-2003, 09:16 AM
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


:P ;)

BombsOverBaghdad
05-29-2003, 04:31 PM
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room
skylight."

HolyDiver
05-29-2003, 05:05 PM
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest one day. When out from behind a huge oak tree jumps a wolf. He looked right at her and said, I'm going to kill you Little Red Riding Hood. She stood there for a moment. Put her hands on her hips and replies, Oh no, Your going to eat me, just like the story says.

SJ Bronco
05-29-2003, 05:17 PM
Don't ask what I wrote here, lets just say I erred....???

BombsOverBaghdad
05-29-2003, 09:03 PM
MAN AND THE OSTRICH.

A man walks into a restaurant with an full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.

"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. the waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

Traveler
05-30-2003, 07:16 AM
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber leans over to her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." I know, she says, I'm going to get boobs, too.

broncogary
05-30-2003, 01:14 PM
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

Naturally, the doctor asked what happened.

"Well", the man said, "it's like this. I was playing a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on the rear end. I walked over and lifted the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's where I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" the doctor asked.

"Well," the man replied, " I lifted the cow's tail and called to my
wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "

"I don't remember much after that."

BombsOverBaghdad
07-31-2003, 11:04 AM
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now:
No Jesus,
No Wal-Mart,
No television,
No cheerleaders,
No baseball,
No football,
No basketball,
No hockey,
No golf,
No tailgate parties,
No Home Depot,
No pork BBQ,
No hot dogs,
No burgers,
No lobster,
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, no gumbo, no jambalaya.
More than one wife.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and
there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No Christmas.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better
disposition.

I mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE ??

BombsOverBaghdad
07-31-2003, 11:13 AM
Top 10 signs she’s not interested
by Christina Russel, for AskMen.com
You have a problem: You really like this woman, but you can't figure out if
she reciprocates your feelings. You'd love to ask her out, but the thought of rejection stops you cold. So how do you gauge whether or not she's interested in you?
The good news is that many times all of the necessary signs are there -- you just have to know what they are.

Listed below are the top 10 signs that a woman isn't interested; if she shows any of the following behavioral patterns, you're going to be much better off putting your energies elsewhere. So, without further ado:

10. She doesn't remember your name
If your name is Robert and she keeps calling you Joe, forget about her. Not only is she not interested in dating you -- she can't even be bothered to show you the smallest sign of respect!

9. She's always out of town or working
She was at a wedding in New York last weekend, a funeral in Denver the one before that, and is visiting friends in British Columbia next weekend. Not only that, but she seems to work well into the wee hours every single weeknight. Unless she's secretly employed as the morning shift waitress at the local diner, she's just making excuses. She doesn't want to see you and she's either too polite -- or too chicken -- to tell you this directly.

8. She never calls you back or returns your email
Ever wonder why everyone else seems to receive the emails you send them, but she never does? And how many times can her answering machine be broken? If it's so darned unreliable, then why doesn't she replace it? Could it be that the machine is selective about the messages it loses? (That's a rhetorical question.)

7. She doesn't listen to you
If she says things like, “Huh? What did you say?” or, "You talking to me? You talking to me?!" or, "Sorry, I wasn't listening …" then you should take the hint. She seems more impressed by the lint on her black pants than what you are saying. Move on.

6. She doesn't remember what you tell her
If you bring up something you two had previously discussed and are met with nothing but a blank stare, it's a pretty clear indication that she hasn't been listening to you. And if that's the case, it shows an obvious lack of interest on her part. (Either that or she's really stupid -- in which case you shouldn't date her anyway.)

5. She keeps asking about your friend
If you are talking to the object of your affection and she is constantly interrupting you to ask about your friend Will, then she is clearly not interested in you. You should probably pass her number on to him -- with her permission, of course -- and try to forget about the two of them together.

4. She never looks for commonalities between you
You are moved by the fact that you both like coffee in the morning -- "How weird is that?!?" In the meantime, she keeps emphasizing the fact that she likes Mellow Mocha, while you tend to order French Roast -- "It's just not the same, you know!"

3. She would rather run errands
You work in the same building and when you ask her if she would like to have lunch with you at the nearby café, she declines because she is all out of dishwashing soap and doesn't want to miss the 7-cent discount at the drug store across town. Either she's really thrifty, or she finds her dirty dishes more interesting than you -- sorry.


2. She hides from you
If she sees you coming and looks for the closest place to hide, then you really don't need me to tell you that she doesn't like you, right? Tell me you aren't that clueless.


1. She is happily married
Some guys don't get this one, but it's a biggie. If she is wearing a wedding band and seems happy about this fact, then she is not looking for another relationship. Trust me.

http://love.msn.com/men/article1.asp

Hogan11
07-31-2003, 10:10 PM
Q: What's a mile long and has four teeth?

A: The line for the fried dough cart at the county fair.

:o

Bronx33
10-16-2004, 03:30 PM
Raiders fans after sunday..........

REB
07-20-2005, 08:02 AM
THE REDNECK VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they

could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin

didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly

alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,

(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold

the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the

shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held

the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed

counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi,

Missouri and West Virginia.



REB

1-2-3-:Broncos:!!!!!!!

Montaq
07-20-2005, 08:56 AM
I can't see any of Mock's pictures. :( Just a red X

http://theredroom1.homestead.com/files/redx.gif

REB
07-28-2005, 09:14 AM
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's private part. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he

begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

REB

1-2-3-:Broncos:!!!!!!!

OrangeShadow
07-28-2005, 10:31 AM
what do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?





































o cockk thats always stuck to the roof of your mouth!

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
07-28-2005, 10:36 PM
Someone sent me this via e-mail:

U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF)

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North & South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

REB
07-29-2005, 09:46 AM
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.


Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.


"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"


Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

Billy Clyde Puckett
08-04-2005, 05:28 PM
There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day
away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"
The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes
are starting to pile up."

SoCalBronco
08-11-2005, 12:55 PM
Here's a joke thats had me rolling on the floor and laughing for years now.

http://webgalaxe.com/sports/NFL/Chiefs/chiefs.jpg

REB
08-13-2005, 11:16 AM
That's a good one but I think this one's funnier...

Just Cry Baby!





REB

1-2-3-:Broncos:!!!!!!!

Colorado4Life
08-18-2005, 11:26 AM
This thread is hilarious!

REB
09-15-2005, 03:18 PM
After returning from my last trip I came back with a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at my local bank.

Short line... just one guy in front of me.

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it

change, yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!"


REB

1-2-3-:Broncos:!!!!!!!

RunByDesign
10-03-2005, 07:43 PM
I went into the 7-11 gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.



The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

REB
10-27-2005, 10:08 PM
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her ribs and screams, and then she pushes her elbow and screams with more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

REB
10-28-2005, 08:36 PM
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the
woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow
buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden,
in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She
said, "I'm Mother Nature. Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have
any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still,
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest
of your life!" Then POOF!.....she was gone! After Dave recovered from
the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussywillows." Dave shouts back,
"Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, don't swing!"

REB
10-28-2005, 08:37 PM
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

REB
10-28-2005, 08:40 PM
Q: How do you circumsize chief fan?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

REB
10-28-2005, 08:44 PM
Redneck hurricane survival kit: Grab sister, toilet paper, beer and booze...

Sassy
11-01-2005, 09:20 PM
http://denver.rockymountainnews.com/drew/102805drew.gif

REB
11-04-2005, 07:08 PM
I HATE MY JOB

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors,draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. open the package and removed the thermometer.

Now,carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS.

REB
11-09-2005, 03:29 PM
Can You Read This?

Olny srmat poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!

REB
11-09-2005, 03:38 PM
TOP 5 SMART A** ANSWERS FOR 2005 ...according to Reader's Digest:

Smart A** Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said,

"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart A** Answer #4:

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead

Smart A** Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart A** Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

AND NOW........FOR THE..........BEST ONE.#1 SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR
2005.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart rump guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

REB
11-10-2005, 08:25 PM
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

REB
11-11-2005, 07:44 PM
Little Jonnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Jonnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Jonnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Jonnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Jonnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Jonnie."

Jonnie said," He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great",said Little Jonnie,"coz he'd be f* ck-ed if he needed glasses

REB
11-11-2005, 07:57 PM
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just #$&#*&^# beautiful!

REB
11-11-2005, 07:58 PM
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

REB
11-11-2005, 07:59 PM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

REB
11-11-2005, 07:59 PM
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be
better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s---t he always was."

REB
11-11-2005, 08:00 PM
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

REB
11-11-2005, 08:01 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my lefttesticle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3
pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!!!"

REB
11-11-2005, 08:01 PM
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

REB
11-15-2005, 09:55 PM
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

REB
11-20-2005, 09:18 PM
Clintons new portrait for his presidential library...

REB
11-20-2005, 09:23 PM
Now I'm not one that thinks we should cut and run with Iraq but this is funny...

REB
11-20-2005, 09:26 PM
...

REB
11-20-2005, 09:28 PM
....

Swedish Extrovert
11-21-2005, 10:29 AM
A Navy Seal Liutenant is just given a new top secret suicide mission, and neds to find a Seaman who is up to the task. So the Liutenant puts up flyers saying "Looking for the biggest baddest Seal Seaman for top secret mission"

The first Seal walks in the the first test, and the Liutenant asks him, "are you the biggest baddest Seal in America?" The seal replied "Yes, Sir" The liutenant said, "Well, then go into that room over there with you family and take this rifle and pull the trigger." The Seal leaves, comes back with his family and after about 2 minutes, he comes out and says "I couldent do it," the liutenant replies "Alright, now get out of my face, p***Y"

The second seal walks in... and when asked the same question, the seal says fervently "YES SIR"..... he takes his family into the room, and this take it takes about 10 minutes for him to come out and say "I can't do it." "Get out of my office, p***Y" says the liutenant.

Then the third Seal walks in. This seal has bullet wounds on his arm and scars all over his body and face. The liutenant asks him "Are you the biggest baddest mofo in the Seals?" the Seal replies violently "SIR, YES SIR!" The liutenant then says "go get your family, point this rifle at them and pull the trigger... thats all you have to do is pull the trigger," the seal replies "AYE SIR" and comes back with his family.

The liutenent waits as the seal brings his family into the room. And after about a minute he hears a loud racket... for about ten minutes. The Seal then opens the door with sratch marks and blood all over his body and says "Sir, you accidently put blanks in the gun, I had to strangle the b****"

REB
11-23-2005, 04:17 PM
When the cat hits the fan...or wall :)

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/mov_catfan.htm

REB
11-25-2005, 03:02 PM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process,she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

REB
11-25-2005, 03:05 PM
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young
lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend
wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down
next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of
my congregation.

Why don't you let me take you home?"

Sure"," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back
and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed
her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments,
the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up
to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of
that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you
might as well finish".

REB
11-25-2005, 03:07 PM
After hearing that Bush still didn't know whether he was alive, Osama himself decided to send Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV 0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain 's MI-6 For help.

MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down

REB
11-26-2005, 07:21 AM
Long but funny...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome

including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

" Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I wasequally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn 't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing
you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's whacker.....Priceless

Broncoman13
11-26-2005, 03:00 PM
A Broncos fan was on his way to a friends house, driving down a quiet windy road when he saw a man walking on the side of the road. As he drew closer he noticed the man wearing a Raiders hat and jersey. "My lucky day!", the Broncos fan said to himself. He looked behind him and in front of him to make sure nobody was around and then swerved nailing the Raider fan. "YES, my buddies are going to be so proud of me", thought the Broncos fan. As he continued driving he noticed another Raider fan a couple miles up the road. "TWO IN ONE DAY, my buddies are never gonna believe this", and as he did the first time, he swerved and nailed the Raider fan.

A little further up the road he noticed a priest that was hitch hiking. Being the "kind hearted" christian that he was, he stopped and picked up the Priest. After a few miles of casual conversation the unthinkable happened... another Raider Fan! Now the Broncos fan was stuck in a bad situation. Three Raiders fans in one day would be a record, but he couldn't do it with the Priest in the car. So he thought of a quick plan, as he drew closer to the man dressed in a Raiders hat and jersey he would pretend to sneeze and swerve hitting the man. He would claim it was an accident and the Priest would understand. So when the time came the Bronco fan pretended to sneeze and swerved to hit the Raider Fan...THUMP! "Oh my god, did I just hit that Raider Fan", asked the driver....... "Nope, but I got him with my door!", exclaimed the Priest!

REB
11-27-2005, 10:50 AM
A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

REB
11-27-2005, 10:50 AM
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

REB
11-27-2005, 10:51 AM
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

REB
12-01-2005, 07:07 PM
A Christmas Story

Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my rump for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*ts
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

REB
12-08-2005, 01:24 PM
BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU ASK FOR-YOU MIGHT GET IT-- A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer

REB
12-08-2005, 01:25 PM
Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Vegas. The brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level. The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

REB
12-20-2005, 12:40 PM
Men are always hearing "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are some rules from the male perspective.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand and don't assume our forgeting one is failing some sort of love-test.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Men believe that yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us and force us to lie for reasons of self protection.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. (It doesn't mean we don't love you anymore. We're hard-wired to ogle.)

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but figure you really want to punish us with your inscrutability.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

(Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that; it's like camping.)




The following are from a speech that Bill Gates gave to an assembly of college graduates.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.



More Rules to live by!


1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize " and "You are right. "

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody! "

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her...BELIEVE them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

8. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

9. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

10. Work is good, but it's not that important.

11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
12-20-2005, 07:31 PM
Q: What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

A: They both come on little white crackers

~rimshot~

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
12-20-2005, 07:32 PM
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?

A: He heard that little boys' pants were half off

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
12-20-2005, 07:39 PM
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and
the other you carry your groceries in!

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?

A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?

A: Because they aren't his!

BMF Bronco
12-21-2005, 09:32 AM
Why does Michael Jackson like twentyfive year olds?

It's better than 19 5 year olds.

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
12-21-2005, 05:36 PM
Why does Michael Jackson like twentyfive year olds?

It's better than 19 5 year olds.

LOL

REB
12-24-2005, 07:30 PM
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season andthe wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we! 'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, af! ter all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rump on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shoot fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for
the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the poop
is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rump. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
12-25-2005, 04:11 AM
An Elementary School 5th grader comes home after his second day at school and says to his father, "You know dad, I was playing football with the other boys and I was much stronger than they were. I think it's 'cause I'm a Raiders fan and we're the best in the world. And you know what else? Later we were playing basketball and I could jump way higher than everyone else. That's 'cause I'm a Raiders fan and we're the best in the world. And then, in the locker room while we were changing, I noticed that I am much bigger ... down there ... than everyone else. I know that's 'cause I am a Raider fan and I'm the best in the world." The father sighed, slowly shook his head and said to the boy, "No son, it's not cause you're a Raider fan, its because you're 19 years old."

gunns
12-29-2005, 06:05 PM
Guts vs. Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

REB
12-29-2005, 09:35 PM
:laugh: Good stuff

Broncoman13
12-30-2005, 09:30 AM
REB, the snow post was priceless... I actually laughed out loud!

REB
12-30-2005, 11:53 AM
REB, the snow post was priceless... I actually laughed out loud!

:).... Sounds about right doesn't it. That's why you either have the kids do it or hire some neighbor kids to deal with it. :)

bronco610
12-31-2005, 12:27 AM
Did you here about the new precedent of case law in california.
Seems a young boy was being beaten at home and child services stepped in and decided the boy would need to be taken out of the home and placed in custody elsewhere.
At the hearing the judge asked the little boy if he had any relitives in the area? The boy replied his grandmother lived in the area. So the judge asked, would you like to stay with her? No! replied the boy she beats me worse than my mother and father.
So the judge says do you have any other relitives in the area?
The little boy replies he has an aunt and an uncle also living in the state.
Well, would you like to stay with them, The judge asks? Oh no sir, they are even worse than my grandmother.
The judge is perplexed and decides to call a recess while he figures out a solution. He goes into his chambers for about a half hour and then returns smiling.
Little boy he says, today we are going to set a new precedent !!!
You will be the first child to ever be put in the custody of an NFL team.
After revue you will be given to the oakland raiders, because Im pretty sure they cant beat anybody.

REB
12-31-2005, 07:21 AM
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

REB
12-31-2005, 07:22 AM
Apartment for rent

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small
enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note.

Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, There is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your present landlady.

luv Nancy

REB
01-09-2006, 05:03 AM
.

REB
01-09-2006, 05:03 AM
..

REB
01-12-2006, 11:22 AM
...

REB
01-12-2006, 11:23 AM
....

REB
01-12-2006, 11:24 AM
.....

REB
01-12-2006, 11:25 AM
......

REB
01-12-2006, 11:27 AM
.......

REB
01-12-2006, 11:34 AM
[B][COLOR="Navy"]I knew it.......:)

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c247/REB65/funnypicboobwatch.gif

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c247/REB65/Hottie2Boobwatch.jpg

REB
01-13-2006, 03:32 PM
A drunk gets pulled over by a female officer.
she comes up and say remember anything said can and will be held against you.

the drunk yells outs TiTS

REB
01-13-2006, 03:34 PM
To all the male golfers

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to
his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row
and asked, "Do you know what your a**hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

REB
01-13-2006, 03:35 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

REB
01-16-2006, 12:58 AM
.

REB
01-19-2006, 11:28 PM
PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything,

but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your proctologist leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

REB
01-19-2006, 11:30 PM
Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And LASTLY......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

Old Dude
01-27-2006, 09:02 AM
A teacher was starting her first day teaching second grade in San Diego and in order to impress the kids, she mentioned being a Chargers fan.

"Raise your hand if you are a Chargers Fan", she asked.

Most of the class raised their hands except for one little girl. The teacher, looking rather annoyed asked the girl, "How come you're not a Chargers fan?"

"I'm a Bronco fan!"

"And why are you a Broncos fan?"

"My mommy is from Denver, and she's a Broncos fan, and my daddy is from Denver and he's a Broncos fan, so I'm a Broncos fan!"

The teacher, looking even more annoyed said "Well, that's a stupid reason! What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer? What would you be then?"

"A Raiders Fan."

REB
01-28-2006, 11:59 AM
A teacher was starting her first day teaching second grade in San Diego and in order to impress the kids, she mentioned being a Chargers fan.

"Raise your hand if you are a Chargers Fan", she asked.

Most of the class raised their hands except for one little girl. The teacher, looking rather annoyed asked the girl, "How come you're not a Chargers fan?"

"I'm a Bronco fan!"

"And why are you a Broncos fan?"

"My mommy is from Denver, and she's a Broncos fan, and my daddy is from Denver and he's a Broncos fan, so I'm a Broncos fan!"

The teacher, looking even more annoyed said "Well, that's a stupid reason! What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer? What would you be then?"

"A Raiders Fan."

LOL An oldie but a goodie. Classic :)

REB
01-28-2006, 03:06 PM
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."


MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.


2. Put down your car window.


3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.


4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.


5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.


6. Put window up.


7. Drive off.


************************************************** *********************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to cash machine.


2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.


3. Set parking brake, put the window down.


4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.


5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up


6. Attempt to insert card into machine.


7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.


8. Insert card.


9. Re-insert card the right way.


10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.


11. Enter PIN.


12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.


13. Enter amount of cash required.


14. Take a quick peeky at yourself in rear view mirror.


15. Retrieve cash and receipt


16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.


17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.


18. Re-check makeup.


19. Drive forward 2 feet.


20. Reverse to cash machine.


21. Retrieve card.


22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.


23. Give dirty look to irritate male driver waiting behind you.


24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.


25. Redial person on cell phone.


26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.


27. Release Parking Brake.

smalltowngrll
01-28-2006, 03:54 PM
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.

_________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind,
as a form of holy communion.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

__________________________________________________ _

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).

__________________________________________________ _____

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make
up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like
wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

______________________________________________

This has been a public service message for women to better understand
men.

REB
02-02-2006, 11:51 AM
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

REB
02-02-2006, 11:51 AM
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake

REB
02-07-2006, 10:03 AM
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a raiders fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Maniacal Hoodlum Kills Beloved Family Pet".


1-2-3 :Broncos:!!!!!!! :charge:

REB
02-07-2006, 01:09 PM
My mom was a ventriloquist & she always
was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought
the dog was telling me to kill my father


1-2-3 :Broncos:!!!!!!! :charge:

REB
02-07-2006, 02:04 PM
Watch for the upcoming consolidations.....


1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.
Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join Forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining wll merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and
Become: FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
Become: KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
Name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

1-2-3 :Broncos:!!!!!!! :charge:

REB
02-08-2006, 11:55 PM
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.


This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.


When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."



"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.


"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."



"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,


'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."



"CASE DISMISSED!!"

REB
02-09-2006, 12:13 PM
What did the left leg say to the right leg?

"The guy in the middle thinks he's hard."

REB
02-09-2006, 12:16 PM
.

REB
02-09-2006, 12:19 PM
Mother/Father of the year award goes to.......

REB
02-09-2006, 12:22 PM
Prison Escape...

REB
02-09-2006, 12:24 PM
..

REB
02-09-2006, 12:26 PM
...

REB
02-09-2006, 12:58 PM
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give
Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's
about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more
nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer.
"On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out
the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,
"Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability."

Rascal
02-09-2006, 01:00 PM
See my avatar for a joke.

REB
02-09-2006, 01:02 PM
See my avatar for a joke.

ROFL! Yep, I love it! F'k them crazy bastages!

REB
02-09-2006, 01:14 PM
These deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously



q Save the whales. Collect the whole set

q A day without sunshine is like...night

q On the other hand, you have different fingers

q 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

q 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

q Remember, half the people you know are below average

q He who laughs last thinks slowest

q Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

q The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap

q Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have

q A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

q Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

q If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

q How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?
Raise my hand

q OK, so what's the speed of dark?

q When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

q Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

q Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film

q How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

q Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

q What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

q I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

q Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

q Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened

q Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

q Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow

Sean
02-10-2006, 08:33 AM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening,
Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is
your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

REB
02-10-2006, 02:38 PM
Beat it kid...Can't you see I'm busy?!?

REB
02-10-2006, 02:41 PM
The Lone Ranger was great Sean :giggle:

1-2-3 :Broncos:!!!!!!! :charge:

REB
02-10-2006, 03:30 PM
Docter said I could have only 1 drink a day.......

broncocalijohn
02-13-2006, 02:50 AM
smlltowngrll easy explanation:

You said....Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

WE DO THAT EVEN IF WE ARENT SICK. I once had a girl in high school have her dad drive her over to my house to drop off cookies because i was "sick". Once she left my house, it was eating time for the whole family. Never was sick, just wanted fresh home made cookies!

Billy Clyde Puckett
02-13-2006, 10:07 AM
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey,"
the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

REB
02-13-2006, 11:45 AM
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey,"
the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Hilarious! Hilarious! Hilarious! Hilarious!

REB
02-13-2006, 12:31 PM
.

REB
02-13-2006, 01:09 PM
John Madden was in Washington DC to announce a football game at FEDEX Field one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Redskin's bench. He asked Joe Gibbs what it was for and was told that it was the hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Dan told him "Sure, but it will cost you $500."

Madden scratched his head, then thought, what the heck. I need a break, the ratings are low and I'm not picking the games so well. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $500. Madden was perfect that week.

The next week Madden was in New England when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the Patriots bench. He asked Bill Belichick what the telephone was for and was told "It's the hotline to God. If you want to use it, it'll cost you $250."

Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and made the call. Madden was perfect that week.

The next week Madden was in Dallas when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the Cowboys bench. He asked Coach Bill Parcells what the telephone was for and was told "It's the hotline to God. If you want to use it, it'll cost you $100." Again Madden announced a perfect game

The next weekend Madden was in Denver, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Broncos bench. He asked Coach Shanahan, "Is that telephone the hotline to God?"

Mike said "Yes and if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents."

Madden looked incredulously at Shanny and said, " Wait a second, I just paid $500 in Washington; $250 in New England and $100 at the Cowboys to use the same telephone to God. Why does Denver only charge 35 cents?"

Shanny looked at Madden and replied, "In Denver, it's a local call."

REB
02-15-2006, 06:10 PM
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REB
02-16-2006, 05:03 PM
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his a$$ while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled...

Rocket 7
02-16-2006, 11:27 PM
What did the lowrider say when he found out one arm was longer than the other?


Not even ese

Rocket 7
02-16-2006, 11:29 PM
What did the lowrider say when the roof fell on him?


Get off me homes

Rocket 7
02-16-2006, 11:39 PM
What did the lowrider say when he wanted his Japanese girlfriend to hurry up and get in the car?


Well hop on esa! (japones)

REB
02-18-2006, 02:20 AM
What did the lowrider say when the roof fell on him?


Get off me homes

LOL

REB
02-18-2006, 02:25 AM
.......

REB
02-19-2006, 04:11 PM
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of<BR>me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he
didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years."

REB
02-21-2006, 02:32 PM
.

REB
02-24-2006, 08:06 AM
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.----Rodney Dangerfield

Billy Clyde Puckett
02-24-2006, 08:12 AM
Some of my Favorite Rodney's

"My wife's a terrible cook. She made me breakfast the other day. I said 'This is awful, how do you have bones in toast?"

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

My wife isn't too smart y'know. She has to reach inside her bra to count to 2."

"My wife's cooking was so bad that the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."

It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway'."

"I tell ya' I get no respect. One night my house caught fire, my wife told the kids be quiet, you'll wake your father

"I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!"

"I tell ya, with me, sleep is important. Well, last night I went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I started to count sheep - I got horny!"

"When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!"

"Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car."

"Everyone's got a tale of woe. The problem is that there's usually a lot more woe than tail."

"Are you fat? When you jog do you leave potholes? When you go to the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say, OK?"

"Here's a pen in case you learn to write."

"They're not so tough. The football team at my high school was tough. After they sacked the quarterback they went after his family."

"I'm looking for the fountain of middle-age."

"Great teacher, he really seems to care. About what I have no idea."

My wife gives me no respect. She cut me down to sex one time a month. I guess I shouldn't complain, some guys in the neighborhood she cut off entirely.

I tell ya' I get no respect. My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years."

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

If it wasn't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Billy Clyde Puckett
02-24-2006, 08:13 AM
More:

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Even my cousins hated me.

Once when I was a little boy my uncle said "hey Rodney whaddya say me and you go hunting this weekend?" I said "yeah alright, I'm game". He shot me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

REB
02-24-2006, 08:20 AM
Hilarious! Good ol' Rodney (RIP) Classic stuff!

REB
02-24-2006, 08:34 AM
.

REB
02-24-2006, 02:14 PM
..

REB
02-26-2006, 07:02 AM
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our bottoms just for sucking our thumbs."

stanky76
02-26-2006, 10:45 PM
A man and his wife were shopping for a new car. He wanted a Truck and she wanted a Sports Car. After an agonizing 3 weeks of searching they found that the cost of a Sports Car was just too expensive, yet they did have enough for the gentleman to purchase a used Truck. When the man approached his wife with the idea of buying a used Truck she simply replied that Christmas was only 4 weeks away and she would not be happy unless she received something that would go from 0-200 in only a few seconds.

The big morning came and when she opened her gift she recieved a bathroom scale. He hasn't been heard from since!!!

REB
02-27-2006, 07:41 AM
Lol!

REB
02-27-2006, 07:55 AM
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your arse."

REB
03-03-2006, 08:43 AM
The first ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a meeting with Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.." The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it moves from one mouth to another..."

REB
03-03-2006, 10:07 AM
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REB
03-03-2006, 10:46 AM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a
small shop on King street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shoot. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I really didn't give a damn. I came downtown by bus!

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my
age.