View Full Version : Joke Thread
12-24-2009, 03:38 PM
Straight from Collegehumor : College aged kids post stores of their parents and technology.
-My dad spent $60 on the new call of duty, and called me to find out where he could download an xbox 360.
-My dad used the house phone to call my mom. She left it at home so when it rang, he picked it up. He said hello with the house phone on the left ear and the cell phone on the right ear. It took him about a second or two to realize that he was talking to himself.
-When the power went out at my house, my mom took our laptop and tried getting on the internet to check the weather to see when the storm would pass. I told her she couldn't get on because the internet is down too. She insisted she could because "the internet is in the air."
-My mom just joined Facebook, so I IMed her. She was typing for a long time before she finally called me and asked how to make it send what she wrote because she couldn't find the button. I told her to hit enter. This is the IM I got: "Are you IMing me on purpose or is this auto? I don't know how to use this thing. How do I send this? Can you see me typing? Help help help help ... Send send send send send send send send send send send send now send now send now finished SEND SEND Help send
-I am a stand-up comic. The other day my parents sent me an email that said "This is a great website to post your comedy videos on." Under that there was a link for "Youtube.com"
-My dad thinks WTF means Wow That's Fantastic.
12-24-2009, 06:32 PM
-My mom is completely convinced that when I watch youtube videos, they are happening in real time and I know EVERYONE in every video I watch. The other night at dinner, she went "Well, Ariel has some ridiculous friends on the internet." When I try explaining they are videos strangers uploaded, she thinks I am making excuses for my "friends."
12-26-2009, 03:05 PM
Ole was shooting the bull around the water cooler on monday after his birthday. Yon asked "Ole, what'd Lena do fur you dis birt-day?"
"Oh it was great. She took me to da Dome to see da Tweeins play"
Yon knowing Ole was a huge Twins fan and loved Kirby Puckett was impressed with Lena's gift.
Ole continued: "Ya, we took cousin Sven and sat in de left feld bleichars ya know wit Lena between me and Sven ya. Well den in da 9th innin Kirby Puckett hit a homerun and it hit right in Lena's crotch".
Yon was agast: "Oh Ole is she alright then? he asked concerned
"Oh Lena she's ok, but Sven he broke two fingers"
07-01-2010, 02:54 PM
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The great Neil Hamburger
Got this one in an email....
Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sun, May 30, 2011
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,
or b****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes
Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
L.A. BRONCOS FAN
05-25-2011, 05:48 PM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a poop in the woods...
The bear turns to the rabbit and says "excuse me, but do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "no"...
...So the bear wiped himself with the rabbit.
L.A. BRONCOS FAN
05-25-2011, 05:53 PM
A successful musician was trying to choose which of his three girlfriends to marry, so he gave each one $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first spent hers on a makeover, clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the boyfriend. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the lucky guy and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The musician thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest t!ts.
L.A. BRONCOS FAN
05-25-2011, 05:58 PM
What do you call a gynecologist who freaks out every time he sees a woman naked?
L.A. BRONCOS FAN
05-25-2011, 05:59 PM
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Fear in California!
In the wake of Bin Laden's death, rumors are circulating that radical
Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who
is a legal U.S. citizen. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
We will keep you posted on future developments.
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
And The Number 1 Thought
- - - as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."
L.A. BRONCOS FAN
04-28-2016, 04:49 AM
Talking Dog For Sale (https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1qjo4j/talking_dog_for_sale/)
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that sh*t."
04-29-2016, 05:07 PM
I want to laugh