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REB
11-02-2007, 01:08 AM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She
asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She
responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

REB
11-02-2007, 01:08 AM
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shoot?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

Bronco Bob
11-02-2007, 01:03 PM
Here's something similar.

A well dressed man walks into a tavern and sits down
at the bar. Off of his shoulder hops a little man about
the size of a GI Joe doll. The little man walks along the
bar kicking over full beer mugs and pissing into the empty
ones. This understandably enrages the patrons and
the bartender angrily wants to know what is going
on. The gentleman explains he found an old oil lamp,
so on a lark he rubbed it, and to his surprise a genie
appeared and offered him three wishes. So of course
as his first wish, he asked for money. For his second
wish he asked for a long and healthy life. And for
his third wish he asked for a 12 inch prick.

REB
11-02-2007, 05:15 PM
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her arse.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her arse. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your arse, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?"!

REB
11-03-2007, 09:19 PM
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice arse.

BMF Bronco
11-03-2007, 09:37 PM
Biggest joke this year...

Nebraska's _efense!

REB
11-04-2007, 02:26 PM
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket, not your stub."

REB
11-05-2007, 09:13 PM
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Arsehole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Bronco Bob
11-06-2007, 11:46 AM
A Rockies fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankees fan are walking
through a park when they spot a pair of legs sticking out from
some bushes.
They go over to investigate and find a nude dead woman.
So out of respect the Rockies fan puts his ball cap over the
woman's right breast. The the Red Sox fan puts his cap over
the woman's right breast. Then the Yankees fan puts his
cap over the woman's crotch.
Just then they spot a policeman and call him over.
The policeman takes out his notepad and begins writing.
Then he lifts the Rockies cap briefly and puts it back,
and starts writing some more. He does the same with
the Red Sox cap. Then he lifts the Yankees cap,
takes a long look, puts it back. Then he lifts it again
and takes an even longer look. Then he lifts the Yankees
cap a third time and just stares.
The Yankees fan becomes angry and asks the policeman
if he is some kind of a pervert.
The policeman says no, it's just that every time he has
ever looked under a Yankees cap before, all he has ever
seen is an a--hole.

Billy Clyde Puckett
11-06-2007, 12:02 PM
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in
30 Years, reunited at a party. After several

Drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
Room. Those who remained talked about their
Kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride
And joy. He started working at a successful
Company at the bottom of the barrel. He
studied economics and Business Administration
and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best f
riend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My
Son is also my pride and joy. He started
Working for a big airline, and then went to
Flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he
Became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet
for his Birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My
Son studied in the best universities and became
An engineer. Then he started his own
Construction company and is now a
Multimillionaire.. He also gave away something
Very nice and expensive to his best friend for
His birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just
as the fourth returned from the restroom and
asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about
The pride we feel for the successes of our
Sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and
Makes a living dancing as a stripper at a
Nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...
What a disappointment. "

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed.
He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done
too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line
Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

REB
11-06-2007, 06:15 PM
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so.

Bronco Bob
11-07-2007, 01:36 AM
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so.

That one sounds familiar. :wave:

REB
11-07-2007, 03:10 PM
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

Orange_Beard
11-08-2007, 10:11 PM
A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon !
All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50
cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a ferrari, you get
$1000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and
you want to throw all that away for 45 cents !!!!!!!!!"

REB
11-08-2007, 10:14 PM
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

REB
11-10-2007, 07:53 PM
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."

REB
11-10-2007, 07:53 PM
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my pink taco, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

REB
11-10-2007, 07:54 PM
The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

REB
11-10-2007, 07:54 PM
A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
> can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
> looking for work in six weeks.'
>
> A German doctor says, 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
> person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
> weeks.'
>
> A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
> can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
> have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
>
> The New York doctor not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind.
> We are going to take a woman with no brains out of New York, put her
> in the White House and then half the country will be looking for work.

REB
11-11-2007, 12:57 PM
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

Bronco Bob
11-12-2007, 01:19 AM
A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor not to be outdone, says, 'You guys are way behind.
We took a failed Texas oilman with no brains out of Texas, put him
in the White House and now half the country is out looking for work."

Bronco Bob
11-13-2007, 02:24 AM
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you
think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

REB
11-14-2007, 10:35 PM
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

REB
11-14-2007, 10:35 PM
A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."

REB
11-19-2007, 03:43 PM
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you
think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

REB
11-19-2007, 03:44 PM
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

REB
11-19-2007, 03:45 PM
A man had lost one of his arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.
The one armed man asked, "why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy .... my arse is itchy !!!!!!!!!!!!!

REB
11-19-2007, 03:45 PM
News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

REB
11-19-2007, 03:46 PM
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

REB
11-19-2007, 03:46 PM
Senior Entertainment

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch.."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. . .

"CRAP" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center

REB
11-20-2007, 08:52 PM
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your arsehole before prison, ..."

Bronco Bob
11-20-2007, 11:20 PM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all talking
one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the
world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest
person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly
confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

Bronco Bob
11-20-2007, 11:42 PM
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar & asks if he could buy
him a drink. "Why of course ", comes the reply. The first man asks "Where
do you come from?"
"I'm from Ireland" says the second man. The first man responds "You don't
say, I'm from Ireland too! lets have another round to Ireland", "Of course
replies the second man"
I'm curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply, I can't believe it, says the first man. "I'm
from Dublin too!" Lets have another drink to DUBLIN" "Of course" replies
the second man,
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks : "What school did you go to
by the way?"
"St. Mary's" replies the second man. I graduated in '62" "This is
unbelievable "
the first man says, "I went to St. Mary's, and I graduated in 1962" too.
About that time in comes one of the regulars & sits down at the bar.
"Whats been going on?" he asked the bartender.... "Nothing much" replies
the bartender,
"The O'Kinly twins are drunk again..."

Bronco Bob
11-20-2007, 11:43 PM
A man & woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant, Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away suddenly noticed that the
man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman
acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me madam,
but I think your husband just slid under the table"
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't he's just walked
in the door"

Bronco Bob
11-21-2007, 01:00 AM
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and
comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied
granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best
time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the
right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Billy Clyde Puckett
11-21-2007, 03:05 PM
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND-JOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering ," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Bronco Bob
11-24-2007, 03:00 AM
*_Polish Women are Tough_*

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen,
where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi
was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the
edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by
his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

Bronco Bob
11-27-2007, 11:37 PM
A phone call from Ernesto....

"Hello, Kaptain Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at you country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor that your dog died."
"My dog? - Dead? - The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart"
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue
and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto,,,,,,,,,,,if you broke that driver - you're in deep ****!"

Bronco Bob
11-27-2007, 11:40 PM
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

Bronco Bob
11-30-2007, 11:23 PM
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Bronco Bob
11-30-2007, 11:35 PM
Car Crash...

I rear ended a car a few days ago....... I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

REB
12-01-2007, 08:45 PM
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I dump like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven

REB
12-01-2007, 08:45 PM
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

REB
12-01-2007, 08:46 PM
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No"

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

REB
12-01-2007, 08:47 PM
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's the cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.

Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "U-u-u-u-u-u-up Y-y-yours!

REB
12-01-2007, 08:47 PM
> A Horse, A Chicken and A Harley

> On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together
>
> One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
> sink.

> Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
> for help!
>
> Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and
> searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the
> only tractor.
>
> Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
>
> Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope
> hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
>
> Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
> arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
> the chicken tossed to him.
>
> After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
> chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
> rescued the horse!
>
> Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
> farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>
> The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals
>
> A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
> to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
>
> The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
>
> Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
> would then lift him out of the pit.
>
> The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
> life.
>
> The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)



>
> ' When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

REB
12-01-2007, 08:48 PM
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

REB
12-01-2007, 08:48 PM
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

REB
12-03-2007, 11:09 PM
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

REB
12-03-2007, 11:10 PM
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Bronco Bob
12-04-2007, 12:06 PM
A well off veterinarian sends his daughter to a prestigious
Ivy League school back east.
This is a really big school with lots of buildings and acres of land.
After a few days the girl gets tired of walking to classes from
building to building.
So she writes to her father asking for money to buy a bicycle.
After she gets the money she goes downtown to buy one.
But on the way she passes a pet store and sees a very cute
little monkey in the window.
She thinks the monkey is very cute, and decides maybe walking
is good for her. So she buys the monkey instead.
But when she gets it home and goes to pet it, its hair starts
coming off.
So she writes to her father: All the hair is rubbing off my monkey,
what should I do?
Her father writes back: Sell the bicycle.

REB
12-04-2007, 05:34 PM
Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."

Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"

REB
12-04-2007, 08:36 PM
Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ...Those mean little ****s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Bronco Bob
12-04-2007, 11:18 PM
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop
and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and
said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, grinning, tears welling in his eyes and said, "Your house."

REB
12-06-2007, 10:08 PM
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my poon and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

REB
12-08-2007, 12:14 AM
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

REB
12-09-2007, 04:59 PM
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

REB
12-09-2007, 05:01 PM
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

REB
12-10-2007, 10:53 PM
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

REB
12-10-2007, 10:53 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either one."

REB
12-11-2007, 06:59 PM
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm freakin' STARVING!"

REB
12-12-2007, 06:43 PM
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this crap. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

REB
12-12-2007, 06:43 PM
some made up words, which could be real, as it would make sense for them to be


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

REB
12-12-2007, 06:44 PM
BANNED FROM WALMART...........
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to WalMart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men-- he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women-- she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal Mart

Bronco Bob
12-13-2007, 02:31 AM
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

How can you piss off your husband while making love?
Call him from your cell phone.

What's the down side to a threesome?
You could disappoint two women instead of just one.

How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car

REB
12-13-2007, 11:06 PM
If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

Billy Clyde Puckett
12-14-2007, 11:55 AM
It was late at night in a well-known spot for "parking." A Policeman
sees a couple in a car with the interior light on. He gets closer to
the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this
surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window..."Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, officer...I'm reading a magazine..."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she
doing?" The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night...
And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir...." "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his
watch and says, " She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

Billy Clyde Puckett
12-14-2007, 11:56 AM
I know this is very wrong, but I thought it was funny as hell....

"I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. "

Billy Clyde Puckett
12-14-2007, 03:36 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your male appendage was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new member that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen...."

Bronco Bob
12-14-2007, 11:29 PM
Dad At The Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
"'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son."

.

Bronco Bob
12-15-2007, 12:24 AM
THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially
all of the ladies who bake for church events: Alice Grayson was to bake
a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to
do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake
sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix
& quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son
pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is
not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because
she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of
friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something
to build up the center of The cake. She found it in the bathroom - a
roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head
for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to
buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale,
she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda
grabbed her cell phone & called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was
beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be
ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed
thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about
the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home
of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once
had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and
not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd,
she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was
elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's
horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful
cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

REB
12-16-2007, 12:05 AM
A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

REB
12-16-2007, 12:05 AM
A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
12-17-2007, 12:03 AM
Avoiding the Flu

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to
chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got
the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it
wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Bronco Bob
12-17-2007, 02:04 PM
Men strike back!
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to open a beer can?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

REB
12-17-2007, 07:14 PM
It was late at night in a well-known spot for "parking." A Policeman
sees a couple in a car with the interior light on. He gets closer to
the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this
surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window..."Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, officer...I'm reading a magazine..."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she
doing?" The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night...
And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir...." "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his
watch and says, " She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

REB
12-17-2007, 07:15 PM
"I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. "

REB
12-17-2007, 07:15 PM
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your male appendage was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new member that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen...."

REB
12-17-2007, 07:16 PM
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

REB
12-17-2007, 07:16 PM
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" the other replies, "GREAT trade!"

Bronco Bob
12-18-2007, 03:15 AM
A rich man and a redneck are discussing what they are going to give their wives for Christmas.

The rich man says, 'I am buying my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.'

'Why are you buying her two gifts?' asks the redneck.

The rich man replies, 'Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back.'

The redneck acknowledges the rich man's answer, and then proceeds to tell
him that he thinks he'll get his wife a pair of flip flops and a dilrod.

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, 'Why did are you buying her those gifts?'

'Well, in case she don't like the flip flops, she can go screw herself'.

Bronco Bob
12-18-2007, 03:23 AM
* RECTUM STRETCHER *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can
get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a-hole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!*

Bronco Bob
12-18-2007, 03:30 AM
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be
heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig
my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,
because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died
of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he
may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"

REB
12-19-2007, 10:17 PM
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

REB
12-19-2007, 10:18 PM
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she
continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

REB
12-19-2007, 10:19 PM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary yet again. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

REB
12-19-2007, 10:19 PM
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

REB
12-19-2007, 10:21 PM
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Bronco Bob
12-19-2007, 11:06 PM
Some odds and ends:


I had dinner with my father last night, and made a classic Freudian slip.

I meant to say "please pass the salt" but it came out, ...
"You prick you ruined my childhood"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

Don't ask her out again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who has
got the better imaginary friend!.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Smacks of indecision to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when Count Dracula suddenly jumps on their car.

"Quick, show him your cross!" says one of the nuns.

The other nun shouts "Hey Dracula! **** off.

Bronco Bob
12-20-2007, 12:44 AM
A Russian woman married an American gentleman and they lived happily
ever after in Denver. However, the poor lady was not very proficient
in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how
to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse
to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and
gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find
a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Scroll down)









What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.

.............I don't know about you sometimes!

Bronco Bob
12-20-2007, 11:39 PM
Redneck Sex Education


One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma
"Junior's 21 years old now. It's about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said "Ya know pa, you're right".

So pa said to junior "Hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".

So junior came on out to the porch.
Junior said "Ya pa, whatcha want".

Pa said "Junior, it's about time we teach you about sex".

Junior says "Sex, what's sex".

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does,
and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior "See that hole in ma? Watch this".
So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch,
he's 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".

Junior says "Their teaching me about sex".

Junior's brother says "Sex, what's sex".

Junior says "See that hole in pa? Watch this".

REB
12-22-2007, 10:32 PM
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.

A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you b!tch, so put the tray up!"

Los Broncos
12-23-2007, 01:11 AM
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.

A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you b!tch, so put the tray up!"

:giggle:

REB
12-23-2007, 07:07 PM
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Bronco Bob
12-27-2007, 12:00 AM
One winters morning a husband and wife in Grand Junction were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very
upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

REB
12-27-2007, 12:53 AM
One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

REB
12-27-2007, 10:44 PM
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

Bronco Bob
12-30-2007, 01:41 AM
Australian Joke

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says,
"Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,
but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of
a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,
"What's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?"

" Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again.....!"

Bronco Bob
12-30-2007, 02:59 AM
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in
and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .


(This is priceless)
^
^
^
^
^
......

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Bronco Bob
12-30-2007, 03:06 AM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went
to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Bronco Bob
12-30-2007, 03:33 AM
A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and
was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every
respect - except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The
cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral
work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too
much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it
wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the
clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto
a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very
moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

Bronco Bob
12-30-2007, 03:55 AM
A man walks into a bar carrying an alligator. He says to the patrons,
"Here's a deal, I'll open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside.
The alligator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove
my unit unscathed. If it works everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The man drops his pants and puts his privates in the alligator's mouth. The
alligator closes its mouth. After a minute the man grabs a beer bottle and bangs
the alligator on top of its head. The alligator opens wide, and he removes
his genitals unscathed.

Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says, "I'll pay anyone else a $100 who's willing
to give it a try.

After a while a hand goes up at the back of the bar. It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try" she says "but you have to promise me you won't hit
me on the head with a beer bottle."

Bronco Bob
12-30-2007, 04:49 AM
HOW MANY ORANGE MANERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "light bulb" or "lightbulb" .... another
six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the
correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a light bulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety
including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting
questions about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again. :)

REB
12-30-2007, 07:01 PM
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass." After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

BroncoBuff
12-31-2007, 02:31 AM
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." -Clarence =Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it."
-Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend... if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
-Winston Churchill's response to George Bernard Shaw


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop


"I've just learned of his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson


"He had delusions of adequacy."
-Walter Kerr


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?"
-Mark Twain


"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

"Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
-Winston Churchill's response to Lady Astor

LOL


"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge."
-Thomas Brackett Reed


"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-James Reston (about Richard Nixon)


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker


"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I
know."
-Abraham Lincoln


"He uses statistics like a drunken man uses a lamp-post - for support
rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

REB
01-01-2008, 11:47 PM
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

REB
01-03-2008, 12:33 AM
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own freakin' blanket!!!

Bronco Bob
01-04-2008, 11:23 PM
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total
silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a
child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd
pierced the quiet. . .
"Well, foockin stup doin it then, ya evil basturd !"

REB
01-05-2008, 10:32 PM
An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

REB
01-05-2008, 10:32 PM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

REB
01-05-2008, 10:35 PM
SON OF A B!TCH FISH.
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a B!tch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B!tch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B!tch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a B!tch I've ever seen"
"Yes, it is a big Son of a B!tch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B!tch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a B!tch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B!tch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B!tch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B!tch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a B!tch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B!tch for the new Bishop's Dinner"
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B!tch Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B!tch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B!tch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a B!tch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a B!tch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a B!tch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You f'kers are my kind of people!"

REB
01-06-2008, 03:09 PM
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

Bronco Bob
01-07-2008, 12:59 AM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear asks the rabbit, "Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "No!"

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

REB
01-07-2008, 07:36 PM
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier: Why did you join the army? Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army? First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

Bronco Bob
01-08-2008, 02:35 AM
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How do you tell if the stage is level?
Drool comes out of both corners of the drummer's mouth.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Why is it good that drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
Shoot one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the drum solo.

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

What do drummers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Bronco Bob
01-14-2008, 12:57 AM
Not a joke, but interesting.....

I Can Read this. Can You?

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too


Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.


I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The
Phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the
Olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
Pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a
Pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
Istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
Slpeling was ipmorantt!

REB
01-14-2008, 09:29 PM
A guy married this woman and unfortunately, his thing was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspected that something was wrong so while they were having sex she quickly threw the covers off and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of chit." So the man said, "Shut the hell up! It's been seven years and I never once asked you where the hell those kids came from!"

REB
01-14-2008, 09:30 PM
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Bronco Bob
01-18-2008, 02:55 AM
Who says today's kids aren't smart ??

I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on
the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let
them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

alkemical
01-18-2008, 08:54 AM
lol

REB
01-19-2008, 06:13 PM
Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

REB
01-19-2008, 06:14 PM
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an arsehole..

REB
01-19-2008, 06:14 PM
Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

REB
01-19-2008, 06:15 PM
Colonoscopies

TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12 "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all.

wait for it...


















13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

REB
01-19-2008, 06:15 PM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

REB
01-19-2008, 06:16 PM
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

REB
01-19-2008, 06:16 PM
http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/2/pyzamdeadwife.jpg

REB
01-20-2008, 07:59 PM
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he drops a deuce on you."

REB
01-24-2008, 12:55 AM
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

REB
01-24-2008, 12:55 AM
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

REB
01-24-2008, 12:56 AM
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Bronco Bob
01-26-2008, 03:42 AM
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.

He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers
in the president's ear,

"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."


,

REB
01-26-2008, 02:40 PM
There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"

REB
01-26-2008, 02:41 PM
An elderly golfer returned from playing a round. His wife asked "How was your golf game, dear?"

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"Well you're seventy-five years old!" she replied, "Why don't you take your brother along next time?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," the man protested.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," She pointed out.

The next day the man teed off with his brother looking on. He swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" he asked.

"Yup," the brother answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled the man, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."

REB
01-27-2008, 09:51 PM
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

REB
01-30-2008, 08:15 PM
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."

Los Broncos
02-21-2008, 08:47 PM
A skeleton goes to a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Bronco Bob
02-23-2008, 02:20 AM
Bubba at the revival

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the
preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what
do you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top
of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands
and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

Bronco Bob
02-23-2008, 02:47 AM
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he
awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and
what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send
me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he
was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen..."

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for
the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him. . . . . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've s**t the bed!!!!!

REB
02-24-2008, 10:24 PM
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

REB
02-24-2008, 10:25 PM
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you beeyotch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you tramp." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

REB
02-24-2008, 10:26 PM
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.



Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

Thank you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my arse.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna Jean
_________________

REB
02-24-2008, 10:27 PM
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything"

Again the father said, "I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."

REB
02-24-2008, 10:31 PM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear:
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" < /SPAN> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?!
I then said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

REB
02-24-2008, 10:31 PM
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

REB
02-24-2008, 10:32 PM
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

REB
02-24-2008, 10:32 PM
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Chit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

REB
02-24-2008, 10:33 PM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."

REB
02-24-2008, 10:34 PM
A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.' So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.' The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and asks the Hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So the waiter says 'Why don't you kiss my arse. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left..

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

TailgateNut
02-28-2008, 11:20 AM
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

REB
02-28-2008, 11:28 PM
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

REB
02-29-2008, 08:28 PM
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his stick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
03-07-2008, 03:13 AM
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH......
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

REB
03-07-2008, 11:16 PM
Birth of a Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies..'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom !'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of
it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I
announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of
birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife
wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to
know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove
to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young
male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um . . um . .
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.'
He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just just .. . . excited,' my wife
offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we
understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that
... . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . .
teeny little ' She gasped for more air to bellow in
laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the
car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did,
Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

REB
03-07-2008, 11:17 PM
One day Little Timmy comes home from school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!" "Well that's great, son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!" So the next day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is very excited "Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at school we had to name all of the colors in class and I got them all right! The teacher said I did very good!" And his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!" The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came in yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis! I was very happy!" "Well son," his father replied "that's because YOUR 18!"

REB
03-07-2008, 11:18 PM
St. Pats Day-Got To Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."







Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."




Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several t imes, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."





Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

REB
03-07-2008, 11:19 PM
Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his stick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

Bronco Bob
03-09-2008, 12:10 AM
Damn Raiders fans:

A Raiders fan was visiting the Denver zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull
her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The Raiders fan ran to the cage and hit the lion square on
the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back, letting go of the girl;
and, the Raiders fan brought her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.

A reporter for the Denver Post saw the whole scene, and addressing the
Raiders fan, said, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw
a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know,
and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page.
May I mention that you are a Broncos fan?

The Raiders fan replied, "Hell no, I'm a Raiders fan."

The journalist left. The following morning, the Raiders fan bought a copy of
the Denver Post to see if it indeed brought news of his actions; and,
read on the front page of the Denver Post


COWARDLY RAIDERS FAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN
IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

OBF1
03-15-2008, 12:55 AM
Hang on to any of the new Arizona Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the
Arizona quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Arizona quarter which was designed by a team of Mexican professors at ASU.

Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

OBF1
03-15-2008, 12:59 AM
Californians


So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am in Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16.< /SPAN> It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have t herapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one

REB
03-17-2008, 06:36 PM
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

REB
03-17-2008, 06:37 PM
Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

REB
03-22-2008, 09:50 PM
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. "Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, but" stammered the woman. "Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

REB
03-22-2008, 09:50 PM
The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

REB
03-22-2008, 09:51 PM
Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everythin g she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said
to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled Husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
_________________

REB
03-22-2008, 09:52 PM
WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want= you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset= of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress= Nice cleavage!
5. I love you= let's have sex now
6. I am bored= Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime?= I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie?= I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner?= I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a hockey stick shoved up his backside.

REB
03-24-2008, 02:44 AM
An Irish daughter had not been back home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time? Why don't you write? Don't you know what you put your old mom through?"

The girl, crying replied, "Sniff...Dad, I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT! Out of here you shameless harlot, I don't ever want to see you again!"

"O.K. Dad, I just came home to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a 10 bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $5 million. "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, a spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve aboard my new yacht in the Riviera and....."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" the father says.

"A prostitute, Dad."

"Oh, bejesus, you scared me half to death girl, I thought you said Protestant. "Come give your old man a hug."

REB
04-04-2008, 01:44 AM
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, This is truly amazing!
I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

REB
04-04-2008, 01:45 AM
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

REB
04-04-2008, 01:46 AM
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
' So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'



' Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.



' Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'



'That I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.



' Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'



' Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
' For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

REB
04-04-2008, 01:46 AM
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.



The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.



Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.



The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either

REB
04-04-2008, 01:48 AM
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

REB
04-04-2008, 01:50 AM
Hi Y'all,

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is

it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin

people to git cancer ?'


'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.


'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer


makin' them fat an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers


an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'


'Sure is, Bubba.'


'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she gas


gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'


'Yep.'


'And that football player sued that university when he


gradiated and still couldn't read?'


'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'


'Well, I was thinkin . ..


what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all


them ugly women I slept with?'

REB
04-04-2008, 01:51 AM
Subject: Montana Golf Rules

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife advises golfers to take
extra precautions and be on the alert for Bears while playing on Gallatin ,
Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert, but not to startle the Bears unexpectedly.They also
advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a Bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers
should be able to "recognize the difference" between Black bear and Grizzly
bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and
contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have
bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them, and smell like pepper spray.

REB
04-08-2008, 02:19 AM
They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.

REB
04-08-2008, 02:20 AM
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

REB
04-08-2008, 02:21 AM
A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"

REB
04-08-2008, 02:21 AM
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

REB
04-08-2008, 02:22 AM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'
. . . and that's when the fight started .

REB
04-10-2008, 01:06 AM
A Woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him

sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room,

“Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks

up from his coffee

“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you

were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so

caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do” she replies. The husband paused. The words were not

coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the

shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send

you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that too” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said …..

“I would have gotten out today.”

REB
04-10-2008, 01:06 AM
In this era of political bullpoop, this is what we have to look forward to…

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY : Be responsible for yourself!

************************************************** **********
MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper , and everybody
cries when they sing, ” It’s Not Easy Being Green .”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where
the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome. ”
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper , and both call for
an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing
to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to
pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant , and the case is tried before a panel of
federal
judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare
recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be
the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a
drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang
of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY : Be careful how you vote.

REB
04-10-2008, 01:07 AM
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you?!'

And Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.' http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c247/REB65/smileyrimshot.gif

REB
04-13-2008, 09:51 PM
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!?" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

REB
04-14-2008, 09:54 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

REB
04-15-2008, 10:48 PM
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

REB
04-16-2008, 07:12 PM
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

REB
04-16-2008, 07:13 PM
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes


After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He
said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all
night long."


The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night."


The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and
said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

REB
04-20-2008, 06:40 PM
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

REB
04-20-2008, 06:40 PM
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

REB
04-21-2008, 11:29 PM
Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

REB
04-22-2008, 11:00 PM
The Art of Taking A Pee

(Written to a woman who accidently walked into a men's restroom...) Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!

REB
04-22-2008, 11:01 PM
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the rump.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

REB
04-22-2008, 11:01 PM
A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little focker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

REB
06-10-2008, 01:25 AM
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman in the U.S. government," says the cowboy.

"Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

REB
06-10-2008, 01:26 AM
Thai bride:



An old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and
down,
and the old boy says 'You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since
we got back.'

The bride replied, 'Not really, I just miss mine.'

REB
06-10-2008, 01:26 AM
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Bronco Bob
06-11-2008, 01:06 AM
A bear is taking a crap in the woods when a rabbit hops by.

The bear asks the rabbit "Does crap stick to your fur?"

The rabbit says "Why no, it doesn't."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

REB
06-12-2008, 12:37 AM
Sensible Observations

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown


3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey


4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy


5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry


6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger


7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone


Cool 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien


9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery


10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni


11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson


12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez


13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld


14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson


15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde


16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain


17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan '
--A. Whitney Brown


1Cool 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry



19) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields

REB
06-12-2008, 12:39 AM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

REB
06-12-2008, 07:17 PM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

REB
06-12-2008, 07:18 PM
A letter to the passport office

Dear sir

I am in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I have filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I have had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I have had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I would be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologize, I am really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullchit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat , for god sake. I just want to go and park my arse on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a rats arse whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I would sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another freakin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that would be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You would rather have us running all over the freakin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some arsewipe to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we are not allowed to smile?! Freakin' Morons!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We are totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate freakin' Citizen.

REB
06-12-2008, 07:19 PM
What college did Michael Jackson go to?

Brigham Young http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c247/REB65/smileyrimshot.gif

REB
06-12-2008, 07:19 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

REB
06-16-2008, 08:14 PM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

REB
06-16-2008, 08:14 PM
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"

REB
06-23-2008, 11:25 PM
Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene!"

REB
06-23-2008, 11:26 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?
'Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'It is a terrible sin to lie...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that chit again; You're in my closet now.'

REB
06-23-2008, 11:27 PM
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked
across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been
standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.

REB
06-23-2008, 11:27 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart?'



What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband? 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.


Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.

REB
06-24-2008, 10:57 PM
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

BroncoBuff
07-10-2008, 02:14 AM
This thread rocks, Reb ... you da man!


Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, an old priest and a hippie are on a plane. About halfway through the trip, the pilot walks back into their compartment and says, "the plane is going to crash, we only have four parachutes, and I'm taking one." With that, the pilot bails out with a chute. Then Bill Clinton says, "I should get a parachute because the world needs me - I am a Goodwill Ambassador and philanthropist," and he takes a chute and bails out. Then Donald Trump says, "I should get a parachute because I am the most highly regarded man in America," and with that, he grabs one and bails out. The old priest turns to the hippie and says, "I have lived a long and fruitful life, and I know I will be with the Lord soon. Take the last parachute and live a good life, my son." The hippie turns to him and says, "no problem, padre, we can both bail out. The most highly regarded man in America just jumped out with my backpack."

OBF1
07-10-2008, 04:50 PM
From my Mom:

You either live in Colorado or have lived in Colorado.......................

A winter statistic 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM COLORADO AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.

You're from Colorado if You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave yourlegs and wear a skirt.

It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be cancelled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you makefun of them.

'Humid' is over 25%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from themountains.

You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.

You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid.

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at MileHigh.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a 'trust fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches,not Six Flags.

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out of the Raiders.

You've been to the original Chipotle near the DU campus on Evans.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

Thanks Mom

TailgateNut
07-10-2008, 05:01 PM
From my Mom:

You either live in Colorado or have lived in Colorado.......................

A winter statistic 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM COLORADO AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.

You're from Colorado if You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave yourlegs and wear a skirt.

It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be cancelled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you makefun of them.

'Humid' is over 25%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from themountains.

You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.

You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid.

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at MileHigh.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a 'trust fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches,not Six Flags.

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out of the Raiders.

You've been to the original Chipotle near the DU campus on Evans.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

Thanks Mom


Rep for your mom.!

I can relate to most, except for the shaving legs and wearing a skirt, and I don't go to church.

ludo21
07-10-2008, 06:52 PM
You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.


Ha! That was me to a T last year

BABronco
07-10-2008, 08:13 PM
Rep for your mom.!

I can relate to most, except for the shaving legs and wearing a skirt, and I don't go to church.

come on .. we all know do at least one of those i dont think its the church one

BMF Bronco
07-22-2008, 04:20 PM
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a largeGerman-speaking population. A farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have **** in it.' The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.' The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more!

REB
08-07-2008, 07:45 PM
Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.
He stated: 'Casi cada uno que puede correr, saltar, o la nadar ya ha salido del pais.'
Translation:
'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.

REB
08-07-2008, 07:45 PM
The Wonders of a Daughter
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He had a lump in his throat as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying, 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain chit in our garden.'

Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it?

REB
08-07-2008, 07:46 PM
HIS AND HER DIARIES!

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed...

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep...I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

REB
08-07-2008, 07:47 PM
Man Translations:

I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Bronco Bob
11-25-2008, 10:19 PM
A guy moves from Oakland to Denver and he
was only here a few months when he became ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, 'Take dees bocket, go into
de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee pee on de poop, and den put your
head down over de bocket ahn breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

The guy took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten
minutes.

Coming back to the doctor, he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What
was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick.'

Bronco Bob
12-18-2008, 08:58 PM
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Rockies, were a
a young blonde lady, and a little old lady, a Raiders fan wearing
a Raiders jacket, and a Broncos fan wearing a Broncs jacket.
As the train goes into a tunnel, the car is plunged into darkness and
a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Raiders fan has a bright
red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

That Raiders fan must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped
his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Raiders fan must have tried to grope me in the dark,
but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek.

The Raiders fan thinks: That damn Broncos fan must have groped the blonde
in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Broncos fan thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap
that damn Raiders fan again.

Bronco Bob
12-18-2008, 09:07 PM
Mejia was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify
for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said,
"Make a sentence using the words
Yellow , Pink and Green ."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said,
"'The telephone goes green, green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar. ' "

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Bronco Bob
12-29-2008, 03:44 PM
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing
very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter.

One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the
loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location
of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young
man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent
view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices
what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter,
he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the
young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon
each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see
the clerk climb up to the top shelf.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again
atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She
notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking
to save herself a trip she yells down,

"Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."

OBF1
01-15-2009, 01:45 PM
Womens ass size Poll:



There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association
> about women & how they feel about their asses.
>
>
>
>
> The results are pretty shocking:
>
>
>
>
> 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
>
>
>
>
> 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
>
>
>
>
> 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him, he's a
good man and
> they would have married him anyway.
>

Breaker
01-22-2009, 01:52 PM
A ten year old boy walked up to his father one day and asked

"Dad, what does a vagina look like?".

His father, stunned that his son would ask such a question, but deciding that he should assist the tyke in understanding the differences of biology replied

"well, before or after sex".

His son pauses and thinks about it for a moment and says

"well before sex I guess"

His father thinks about it for a moment and says

"It looks like a pretty pink flower with four petals"

His son nods and says

"ok well what about after sex"

His dad thinks about this for a little bit and replies

"Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise"

Bronco Bob
01-31-2009, 01:39 AM
Stolen from Reb and updated:

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer the President and doesn't reside here anymore." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer the President and doesn't reside here anymore." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and doesn't reside here anymore. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you just fine; I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine smiled, snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

Alkazar
02-04-2009, 03:14 PM
Stolen from Reb and updated:

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer the President and doesn't reside here anymore." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer the President and doesn't reside here anymore." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is no longer the President and doesn't reside here anymore. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you just fine; I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine frowned, and dejectedly said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

There fixed it for ya to give some semblance of reality.

Alkazar
02-06-2009, 07:30 PM
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the
local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was
this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity
annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the
car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers
that said, ' Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Bronco Bob
02-08-2009, 11:33 PM
There fixed it for ya to give some semblance of reality.

That's assuming that the Marines thought they were better off under Bush than they will be with Obama as C and C.

Alkazar
02-10-2009, 02:25 PM
That's assuming that the Marines thought they were better off under Bush than they will be with Obama as C and C.

No assumption. Obama has already started showing his disdain for any uniformed service, military or police. But this is a JOKE thread so I will not turn it into a political debate. Your side won and my side is grinning and bearing it for the next 4 years.

oubronco
02-10-2009, 03:12 PM
As a Parent, I often wonder if I taught my son & daughters everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life.

You know what I mean . . . . .don't run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But you know I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice. Lets face it, if my son or daughter ever tried this totally idiotic stunt I would figure they are way too stupid to make it in this world anyway.....!



Never . . .
Ever . . .
Ever . . .
Put a FIRECRACKER
in your ass and light it.
I REPEAT . . .
Never ... Ever ... Ever
Put a FIRE CRACKER
in your ass and light it ! ! !






..
..
..
..
..
..
..

OBF1
03-30-2009, 03:31 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it
supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says,
According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her
boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment,
then looks at the box, then turns to her and
says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says,
Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,
and then ...' he said with a deep sigh...



'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Broncochica
04-01-2009, 02:49 AM
Government Bonds and Men
What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature. Ha!

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feed away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God. :~ohyah!:

OBF1
04-09-2009, 06:02 PM
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad..

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'


The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

Bronco Bob
04-11-2009, 11:47 PM
Man Blowing a Bubble
A Film by Bronco Bob

:'

:o

:O

:x


The End
Copyright, 2009

OBF1
04-21-2009, 05:11 PM
Mr. Goldberg wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pileup on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently... but the fact is... your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Goldberg groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did... maybe even better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000.00 per inch.'

Goldberg
perks up at this!! 'So,' the doctor says, 'It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in five inches this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

He agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says Mr. Goldberg.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' he says.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

OBF1
05-06-2009, 12:52 PM
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'



One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'



'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'



A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'



The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'



Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'



'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'



'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

TailgateNut
05-06-2009, 02:39 PM
Government Bonds and Men
What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature. Ha!

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feed away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God. :~ohyah!:


Talk about being a "smart ass".

TailgateNut
08-03-2009, 10:49 AM
A blonde goes over to her girlfriends house wearing a TGIF T-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' T-shirt on monday?" The friend asked.

"Oh crap!" said the blonde. "I didn't realize this was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant "Tits Go In Front".

SPfloppy
08-03-2009, 01:58 PM
Hillary Clinton went to a psychic last year



the woman gazed into her crystal ball for a moment and began

"I see your bid for presidency won't go thru"



"Oh crap" Hillary replied



"But you will gain a high level job the the new administration"



"Oh well thats good I guess" Hillary said



"Oh no Mrs. Clinton I am sorry to tell you this but it seems your husband will die a painfull manor in two years"



Hillary leaned foward and whispered "But will I be aquitted?"

SPfloppy
08-03-2009, 02:29 PM
Ethel is the terror of her nursing home. She regularly speeds down the hallways in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and skids to a stop at the nurses station. Everyone gets used to it and eventually they start to play along. One day Ethel is really hauling butt down the hall when Crazy Joe steps out from his door and stops her. "Whoh ma'am you're going a bit fast aren't you? I need to see your driver's license" Confused Ethel digs into her handbag, pulls out an old kitkat wrapper and hands it to Joe who looks at it and then at her before handing it back. "Ok ma'am just watch the speed". Ethel rounds the next corner and Crazy Larry steps out and says "Whoh there I am gonna need to see an insurence card". Ethel again digs into her purse and hands over a drink coaster. Larry looks it over and says "Ok ma'am drive safe". Ethel spins the wheels and speeds off. She takes the last turn and skids to a stop as Crazy Kurt steps out of his room buck naked with a sizable erection. Ethel squeels "Oh no, not the breathalyzer again!"

SPfloppy
08-07-2009, 01:54 PM
Boudreux was fishing down on the bayou when a game warden came upon him, looked at his fishing pole and his ten gallon bucket full of fish and asked for his fishing license. Boudreux explained that he wasn't fishing therefore didn't need one. Curious the game warden asked about the fish in the bucket. boudreux said "Dem feesh? Dem fish dere is my pet feesh" "I take dem feesh down heer fo a sweem evera day. I lets em out dey sweem fo a while , den I call dem fish back and dey come back to de bucket".

The game warden still looked Doubtfull so Boudreux volunteered to demonstrate and poored the bucket of fish back into the water. Time passes and the game warden asks Boudreux to calkl the fish back. Boudreux asks him in return "What Feesh?"

crawdad
11-25-2009, 07:09 AM
A retired man, trying to find something interesting to occupy his time, went into the Job Center in downtown Denver , and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , MT , that's about 550 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.

BABronco
12-14-2009, 02:48 PM
Yew have yust received da Sven and Ole Computer Virus. Because ve don't know how to program computers, dis virus verks on da honor system. Please delete all d files on yewr hard drive manually and forward dis message to everyvon on yewr mailing list. Tank yew fer yewr cooperation. Sven and Ole.

BABronco
12-14-2009, 03:00 PM
A contestant Lars, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. If he answered incorrectly, he would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as he suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture"

Lars was on the spot. He did not know the answer. He had used up his 50/50 Lifeline and his Ask the Audience Lifeline.. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. He hoped he would not have to use it because . . . His friend was, well, Ole - not the sharpest nail in the bin. But he had no alternative. He called Ole and gave him the question and the four choices.

Ole responded unhesitatingly: "Dat's easy. Da answer is C: da cuckoo."

Lars had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that Ole had given him. And considering his friend was not the smartest Norwegian, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But his friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing his fingers, Lars said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

"That answer is Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, Lars hosted a party for his family and friends, including Ole, who had helped him win the million dollars.

"Ole, I just do not know how to thank you," said Lars. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said Ole. "Everybody knows dat da cuckoos don't build nests. Day live in da clocks."

Lars fainted

BABronco
12-14-2009, 03:06 PM
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking". Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."

BABronco
12-14-2009, 03:14 PM
Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

BABronco
12-14-2009, 03:18 PM
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No, " replied Lars. "Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

BABronco
12-14-2009, 03:24 PM
Sven and Ole were watching the late evening news. There was a man on the ledge of all tall building and the police were trying to talk him down. Sven said, "Ole, do you think he's going to jump?" Ole said, "He's not going to jump." Sven said, "He is going to jump, I'm so sure of it I'll bet you five dollars." Ole said, "I'll take that bet, `cause I know he's not gonna jump." The man jumped. Ole got out his five dollars. Sven said, "Ole, I cannot take your money. I have a confession to make. I saw this on the news earlier, so I knew he was going to jump." Ole said, "Take your money, Sven. I saw it too, but I did not think he would be dumb enough to try it again."