PDA

View Full Version : Joke Thread


Pages : 1 2 [3] 4 5

BABronco
06-01-2007, 12:26 PM
Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

BABronco
06-01-2007, 12:28 PM
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

BABronco
06-01-2007, 12:34 PM
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

BABronco
06-01-2007, 12:38 PM
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

BABronco
06-01-2007, 12:44 PM
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

BABronco
06-01-2007, 01:01 PM
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

BABronco
06-01-2007, 01:08 PM
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

BABronco
06-01-2007, 01:11 PM
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love... Don't be like that..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

BABronco
06-01-2007, 01:46 PM
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

BABronco
06-01-2007, 01:48 PM
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

BABronco
06-01-2007, 01:52 PM
One day an American Vessel was off the coast of Germany. A massive storm came and it began to sink the ship. The crew did everything they could before calling for help.

Captain: This is Private Charter Tango Whiskey, We are sinking! I repeat we are sinking!

Lucky for the captain the German Coast Guard heard his call.

GCG: Private Charter Tango Whiskey, this is the German Coast Guard, what are you sinking about?

BABronco
06-01-2007, 02:11 PM
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Arkansas Bronco
06-01-2007, 05:35 PM
>At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
>Books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
>Rabbi
>and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the
>candle
>
>drippings?"
>
>"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
>the
>candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
>
>"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
>had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about
>all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
>
>"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
>Trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back
>to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy
>biscuits."
>
>"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
>know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the
>leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
>
>"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
>all
>
>The foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
>send us a complete prick."

REB
06-01-2007, 10:24 PM
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downward through
the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is
it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to various parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going
to be poor.

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people,
and over there is a continent of black people.

"Balance in all things," God continued, pointing to
different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will
be very cold and covered in ice."

The archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , a most glorious place.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,
lakes, forests, hills and plains.

"The people from Washington State are going to be
handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
are going to travel the world.

"They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world
as diplomats, carriers of peace and producers of
software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, then asked,
"But what about balance, God? You said there would be
balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington . Wait till
you see the idiots I put there."

REB
06-01-2007, 10:47 PM
.

REB
06-03-2007, 09:18 PM
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

Billy Clyde Puckett
06-03-2007, 09:52 PM
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year
we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli)
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

REB
06-04-2007, 07:58 PM
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

REB
06-06-2007, 02:04 PM
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

REB
06-07-2007, 05:20 PM
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Damn", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

REB
06-07-2007, 05:28 PM
Mr. Tactful

Editors note is added simply for humor, not to be construed as suggested
action.

Aging Women and Their Spouses
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife,Peggy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a
full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I
do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy, I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

REB
06-08-2007, 04:02 PM
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
06-10-2007, 09:39 PM
At Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. That's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's concentrate on finding yours."

L.A. BRONCOS FAN
06-10-2007, 09:50 PM
Story...with a moral

Once upon a time lived a beautiful queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the king and queen that only a "special saliva," if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The king quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear. The king immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story:

"Pay your bills."

REB
06-11-2007, 02:34 PM
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

REB
06-12-2007, 03:18 PM
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants off, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I'm doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yea, getting herpes - that's why I'm here!"

REB
06-13-2007, 03:23 PM
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

TailgateNut
06-13-2007, 03:31 PM
.


Aussie Myth!

REB
06-14-2007, 07:48 PM
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

REB
06-15-2007, 05:43 PM
9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and
hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say “You're welcome”.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

REB
06-17-2007, 05:45 PM
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, Once a year! To John's dismay, he responds, Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year? The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

REB
06-19-2007, 06:47 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his schlong and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

REB
06-20-2007, 08:47 PM
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely crapped my pants."

REB
06-26-2007, 04:08 PM
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a bj.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

REB
06-26-2007, 11:09 PM
Letter from Husband left on dining room table:

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty in reminding me about my being 54
years of age. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a Math teacher at our local university. Therefore, I would like to inform you that as you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who also happens to be the Assistant Tennis Coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent understanding of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although there appears to be one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. With this thought in mind, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow, circumstances and Math being what they are."

Sassy
06-26-2007, 11:21 PM
Letter from Husband left on dining room table:

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty in reminding me about my being 54
years of age. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a Math teacher at our local university. Therefore, I would like to inform you that as you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who also happens to be the Assistant Tennis Coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent understanding of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although there appears to be one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. With this thought in mind, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow, circumstances and Math being what they are."

ROFL!

REB
06-27-2007, 08:58 PM
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Babe
06-27-2007, 10:05 PM
My friend got her birth control pills mixed up with her valium.
She had 14 kids but she doesn't really care

REB
06-30-2007, 07:22 PM
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

REB
07-01-2007, 06:00 PM
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d**k this way!"

REB
07-01-2007, 11:11 PM
One day during school, a teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human.

One bright girl said, "How about Jonah, he got swallowed by a whale."

The teacher got annoyed and kept saying it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human.

The little girl said, :Then I'll ask him when I go to Heaven."

"What if Jonah didn't go to Heaven?" asked the teacher.

The little girl answered, "Then you can ask him."

REB
07-04-2007, 06:18 PM
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

REB
07-07-2007, 07:15 PM
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it's 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been?!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

REB
07-08-2007, 06:08 PM
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

REB
07-11-2007, 07:06 PM
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You a$$hole, I'm drowning!"

REB
07-12-2007, 01:59 PM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

REB
07-12-2007, 01:59 PM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

REB
07-13-2007, 04:38 PM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"


The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."


The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."


The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.


The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"


The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

REB
07-13-2007, 04:39 PM
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

REB
07-15-2007, 05:44 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

REB
07-15-2007, 07:58 PM
Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain
Himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.
Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used
to do when Daddy was in the Army."

REB
07-16-2007, 05:10 PM
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

REB
07-16-2007, 09:05 PM
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country
music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't
been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When
she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have
prayer with you."

So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the
street.

She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel
around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the
towel to fall to the floor.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
And the preacher said...........

" Hello, Darlin!! "

REB
07-17-2007, 02:28 AM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"She asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?", she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

REB
07-19-2007, 01:30 PM
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

REB
07-20-2007, 05:42 PM
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.


The sign says:

"SEX FROGS"


Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


"LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"

REB
07-20-2007, 05:43 PM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

REB
07-21-2007, 05:00 PM
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

REB
07-21-2007, 05:01 PM
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible
College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the
behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They
all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and
release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power
of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch. And again, nothing happens. Again they all immediatel y fall to
their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
from Texas A & M University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell y'all right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

REB
07-22-2007, 03:04 PM
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

REB
07-23-2007, 05:16 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I quit drinkin'!"

REB
07-26-2007, 08:29 PM
Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

REB
07-28-2007, 06:40 PM
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"

REB
07-28-2007, 06:41 PM
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang",and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly"

REB
07-28-2007, 06:41 PM
Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his rump on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his rump in my beer?"

The organ grinder replies, "No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."

REB
07-29-2007, 01:38 PM
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barb!tchyouate."

REB
08-01-2007, 02:34 PM
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating a$$hole!!", she screams.

REB
08-03-2007, 04:11 PM
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts

REB
08-05-2007, 04:45 PM
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of b****es who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b****es that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b!tch in the kitchen."

REB
08-06-2007, 07:56 PM
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

REB
08-07-2007, 07:58 PM
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

REB
08-10-2007, 06:25 PM
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

REB
08-10-2007, 06:27 PM
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

REB
08-11-2007, 06:43 PM
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

REB
08-12-2007, 07:26 PM
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the a$$hole who pushed me in the pool!"

REB
08-14-2007, 07:06 PM
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

REB
08-15-2007, 04:46 PM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00 -

Fried Explorer: $15.00 -

Grilled Republican: $100.00 -

Baked Democrat: $100. 00-

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a

price difference for the Politicians?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever cleaned one?

They're so full of chit, it takes me all morning."

REB
08-15-2007, 04:49 PM
The World's Shortest Books:


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________


THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________

A COLLECTION of

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
************************************************** *****

REB
08-15-2007, 04:50 PM
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

REB
08-15-2007, 04:50 PM
Around Jenny's house, housework was woman's work.

But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children
bathed,
one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on
the stove, and the table set. She was astonished something's up.

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all
about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I
really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."

Rocket 7
08-17-2007, 09:47 PM
A lone solitaty male lion sees this African Buffalo Bull. The lion chases the buffalo and ends up killing it. After eating a large portion of the Bull Buffalo he go under a tree to sleep and let the food digest. When the lion wakes up he let's out a huge monstrous roar like "I'm the king of the jungle" A poacher hears the lion roar finds and kills the lion.

Moral of the story: When your full of bull it's best to keep your mouth shut.

REB
08-25-2007, 03:41 PM
The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

REB
08-25-2007, 03:41 PM
Justice for All

One night 4 university students were boozing till late at night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The Dean was a very fair person and said that they could have the re-test in 3 days.

They thanked the Dean sincerely and said they would be ready by that time.

On the 3rd day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that because this was a special consideration all 4 were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days. The test consisted of 5 questions with a total of 100 marks:


MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS :
All questions are compulsory.
Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will
result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended-----(30 Marks)
Q.3. What make of car was it ? ------(20 Marks)
Q.4. Which tire burst ------- ( 28 marks )
Q.5. Who was driving ?---------- (20 marks)

END OF PAPER

REB
08-25-2007, 03:42 PM
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your rump."

REB
08-25-2007, 03:43 PM
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house.
==========================================

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
===========================================

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

==========================================
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.
=========================================

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied ... "Two popsicles and some coffee."
==========================================

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks.
"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

REB
08-25-2007, 03:44 PM
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

REB
08-25-2007, 03:44 PM
New Living Will Form
I, _________ _________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______Glass of Scotch
______Glass of Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot
______Bottle of Beer
______Steak
______Lobster, shrimp or crab legs
______Remote control
______Bowl of ice cream
______Comics page
______Chocolate or
______Sex


It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to begin the Irish Wake, get out the Tullamore Dew, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________


Date: ___________________________


NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes.

REB
08-25-2007, 03:45 PM
Subject: Who's yo Daddy

The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's
details". Or putting it another way... Who's Yo Daddy? These are
genuine excerpts from the forms (truth be told??).


Number 11 takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. Number 5 gives new
meaning to people from Virginia .


1. Regarding. the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father
of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you
send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child is as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time ... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom !

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening.

If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.


Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these
intelligent souls.

REB
08-27-2007, 03:10 PM
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

Orange_Beard
08-27-2007, 07:42 PM
Two priests went on vacation to Hawaii. They were determined to
make this a
real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought
some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist
attire. They were sitting on beach chairs, in the sunshine,
enjoying a
drink and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde
wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she
smiled and
said "Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of
them individually as she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know we were
priests, they asked one another?

The next day, they w ent back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits that were so loud you could hear them before
you saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in
their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine and the scenery.

After awhile, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with
just a
thong bikini, came casually strolling toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning,
Father.
Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just
a
minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?" she answered.

"We are priests and proud of it, but have disguised ourselves as
tourists while on vacation. We have to know, dressed as we are,
just
how in the world could you tell that we are priests?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

REB
08-28-2007, 12:32 AM
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open
the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

REB
08-28-2007, 06:17 PM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk
about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all
eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a
cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose
that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have no idea.
To which the little girl said "Do you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know chit?"

REB
08-28-2007, 06:18 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What
do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he
picked up the rifle and looked t through the sight in the direction of
his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her......
He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his stick off to
teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here....."

REB
08-28-2007, 06:20 PM
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.


Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio

station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring
a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make

you realize it's not so bad after all.


Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a

few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of

the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the

water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a

diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment

sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It

then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped

to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it

several times with no complaints.


What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose

and stuff it down the back of my wet suit This floods my whole suit with

warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a

few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,

but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The

hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick

to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the

jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my

dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to

the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.


Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three

agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes

before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.



When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running

down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my

butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I

couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.


So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much

worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.


Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I Love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish

bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

REB
08-28-2007, 06:21 PM
Rodney Dangerfield:

Here are a few of his brilliant sayings andTruthism. .. .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself
now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
"Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of
had anything to play with.
__________________

Billy Clyde Puckett
08-28-2007, 06:36 PM
More Rodneys


I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

“My wife isn't too smart y'know. She has to reach inside her bra to count to 2."

"My wife's cooking was so bad that the flies chipped in to fix the screen door."

It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, 'I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway'."

"I tell ya' I get no respect. One night my house caught fire, my wife told the kids be quiet, you'll wake your father

"I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!"

"I tell ya, with me, sleep is important. Well, last night I went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I started to count sheep - I got horny!"

"When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!"

"Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car."

"Everyone's got a tale of woe. The problem is that there's usually a lot more woe than tail."

"Are you fat? When you jog do you leave potholes? When you go to the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say, OK?"

"Here's a pen in case you learn to write."

"They're not so tough. The football team at my high school was tough. After they sacked the quarterback they went after his family."

"I'm looking for the fountain of middle-age."

"Great teacher, he really seems to care. About what I have no idea."

My wife gives me no respect. She cut me down to sex one time a month. I guess I shouldn't complain, some guys in the neighborhood she cut off entirely.

I tell ya' I get no respect. My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years."

REB
08-28-2007, 08:55 PM
^ LOL :thumbsup:

Orange_Beard
08-29-2007, 03:55 PM
A doctor tells a woman patient, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you have 48 hrs to live." The woman says, "If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor answers, "I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

Sassy
08-29-2007, 11:18 PM
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their skit, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows and wallpaper. I want a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click "START".............

REB
08-31-2007, 01:01 PM
Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2008, it will begin offering
customers a new discount item, Wal-Mart's own brand of wine The world's
largest Retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of
California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2- $5
range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart
brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive
wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas,
Bentonville. She said, "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity
were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

REB
08-31-2007, 01:01 PM
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

Orange_Beard
08-31-2007, 02:09 PM
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

You forgot the part about the republican senators bringing there pageboy boyfriends, not wanting a hair cut, just wanting to "use" the bathroom.

REB
08-31-2007, 03:42 PM
You forgot the part about the republican senators bringing there pageboy boyfriends, not wanting a hair cut, just wanting to "use" the bathroom.


LOL Yes there is that

REB
09-01-2007, 05:39 PM
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewelery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a f'k, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

REB
09-04-2007, 01:48 PM
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

Bronco Bob
09-04-2007, 06:04 PM
WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN A REST ROOM

(1) Stick your palm open under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter"



Warning: Do not try this in Minnesota.

REB
09-05-2007, 08:14 PM
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

REB
09-06-2007, 12:16 PM
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

REB
09-06-2007, 05:58 PM
Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a chit one way or another.

Bronco Bob
09-06-2007, 06:22 PM
The World's Shortest Books:




SUCCESSES IN MY LIFE

by George W. Bush

Bronco Bob
09-06-2007, 07:37 PM
A penguin is driving through the desert when steam starts pouring out from
beneath the hood of his car.
So he stops off at a small rundown filling station in a one horse town to get it fixed.
The mechanic says he's sort of busy and tells the penguin to leave the car there and come back later.
So the penguin wanders around town until he spots a drug store with a soda fountain inside.
Being rather hungry the penguin goes into the drug store and orders an ice cream sundae.
Now the penguin, not having arms, just flippers to eat with, makes a bit of a mess of himself.
He asks the soda jerk if there is a restroom where he can clean up.
But the soda jerk says the only public restroom is at the filling station.
So the penguin returns to the filling station with to see what the mechanic
has found wrong with his car and to clean up.
When the penguin gets to the filling station the mechanic says to the penguin
"It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin replies "No, it's only ice cream."

Billy Clyde Puckett
09-06-2007, 07:59 PM
> A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
> Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
>
> Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find
> a Little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
>
> The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
>
> The Jewish man replied, "I have no water".
>
> Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
>
> The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie.
> I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
>
> OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not
> want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
>
> I will show you that I am bigger than that".
>
> "If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
> you will find a lovely restaurant.
> It has all the ice cold water you need.
> Shalom."
>
> Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
>
> Several hours later he staggered back.
>
> "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie."

Bronco Bob
09-06-2007, 11:52 PM
A duck goes to a grocery store to buy some grapes.
But when he gets to the produce section he can't find any.
So he asks the green grocer where the grapes are.
The green grocer tells him the shipment didn't arrive so
they are out of grapes.
The duck wanders off, but returns 10 minutes later
and asks the green grocer if they have any grapes.
Again the green grocer explains to the duck that the shipment
didn't arrive so they are out of grapes.
The duck wanders off, but returns again 10 minutes later
and asks the green grocer if they have any grapes.
The green grocer is getting a bit agitated and explains to the
duck that the shipment didn't arrive so they are out of grapes.
The duck wanders off, but yet again returns 10 minutes later
and again asks the green grocer if they have any grapes.
By this time the green grocer is quite angry and snarls to the
duck that the shipment didn't arrive so they are out of grapes.
The duck wanders off, but once again returns 10 minutes later
and asks the green grocer if they have any grapes.
This time the green grocers screams, look the shipment didn't arrive,
we are out of grapes, and if you come back and ask me for grapes
again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor.
The duck wanders off, but and returns 10 minutes later
and asks the green grocer if they have any nails.
The green grocer says off course not, this is a grocery
store, not a hardware store.
So the duck asks the green grocer if they have any grapes.

Bronco Bob
09-06-2007, 11:59 PM
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Old Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:09 AM
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are
the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Billy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"
Officer says "Yes."
Little Billy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:10 AM
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink.
Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:10 AM
Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:17 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Raiders jersey and a Raiders helmet.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out,
the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Raiders receiving a kickoff. They march down field but are stopped at the 30 so they kick a field goal.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:25 AM
A Denver Broncos fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed
an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days,
but now my wife is dead."
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give
the ticket to and enjoy the game together.
"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:32 AM
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.

2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards.)
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")

5. Have someone open the bathroom door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself.

After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:38 AM
Kid Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm tearing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its' broken, it's yours.

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:45 AM
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates.
An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said,
"Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators,
and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what
this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it.
Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:51 AM
<center>The Mistake Test

</center>See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 12:57 AM
<center>Lifeboat
</center>

After a ship sank in the ocean, a Broncos fan, a Chargers fan, and a Chiefs fan ended up stranded in a lifeboat.
They floated around for days without food or water.
One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat.
The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.
"I'll grant each of you a single wish," said the genie.
"I wish I was home," said the Broncos fan. Then, poof! he disappeared.
"I wish I was home, too," said the Chargers fan. Poof! He disappeared too.
The Chiefs fan looked around. "Gee, I'm kind of lonely," he said. "I wish my friends were back here with me."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 01:01 AM
Two Raiders fans in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the Raiders fan walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The Raiders fan said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?"
The Raiders fan paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the Raiders fan returned to the office and said,
"A long time. We're gonna build a club house out of them."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 01:07 AM
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it.
The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered it that he
had read an ad in the newspaper that the car was for sale and that he wanted to buy the car.
They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 01:14 AM
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home,
but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate.
Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door,
I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 01:20 AM
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt.

A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Bronco Bob
09-07-2007, 01:35 AM
Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths
that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso.

Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says,
“Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

REB
09-07-2007, 02:52 PM
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"

Orange_Beard
09-07-2007, 02:54 PM
Ouch

TailgateNut
09-07-2007, 03:10 PM
Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!

1. Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.

2. Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards.)
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse")

5. Have someone open the bathroom door to the outside (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself.

After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog


Awesome LOL

REB
09-08-2007, 04:08 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."

REB
09-08-2007, 04:09 PM
Awesome LOL


:rofl: :rofl: That is great. I missed that one.

REB
09-11-2007, 06:17 PM
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

REB
09-11-2007, 06:18 PM
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

REB
09-12-2007, 06:20 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

Bronco Bob
09-12-2007, 10:09 PM
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Hehe, just open a joint checking account and secretly read the names on the checks.

REB
09-13-2007, 01:27 PM
:) There ya go

REB
09-13-2007, 01:29 PM
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your schlong?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get bj's while they're driving

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Bronco Bob
09-13-2007, 02:24 PM
Which one doesn't belong?

a) your wife

b) a BJ

c) an egg

d) your meat








b) a BJ, because you just can't beat a BJ.

REB
09-14-2007, 10:06 PM
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

REB
09-14-2007, 10:07 PM
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."





But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave.....
Dave.....
Dave, you sick bastard
you're a vet."

Billy Clyde Puckett
09-17-2007, 04:38 PM
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he
takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail -
where it slips off into a vast tank of excrement!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts
"It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

Billy Clyde Puckett
09-17-2007, 04:38 PM
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .
'Listen up, buddy I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place,
in the car, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes
on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded - - -
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

REB
09-18-2007, 06:23 PM
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
Going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
Long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
Was walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
Leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion , she approached him for an
Interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?

"Maury Fishbein" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
For all the Wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow
Up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a freakin' wall."

REB
09-18-2007, 07:21 PM
I rear ended a car this morning... I tell you, it's going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

REB
09-18-2007, 07:22 PM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

REB
09-18-2007, 07:22 PM
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

REB
09-18-2007, 07:23 PM
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 01:20 AM
A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have
sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Marys."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green
twice a week for the last two months."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say four
Hail Marys and an Our Father"

Then another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been one
month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green
every day for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say five
Hail Mary and two Our Fathers."

Finally another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
weeks since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green
twice a day for the last two weeks."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle
and sits, down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes."

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 01:36 AM
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist,
opened an office in a
small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and
Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign,
so the doctors changed it to
read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort
to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High
Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal
Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and
Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.

"Nuts and Butts?"
Nope.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally
came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 01:40 AM
m

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 01:45 AM
Walking through the jungle, an elephant meets a naked man.
The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says ......




.

"How the hell do you feed yourself with that?"

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 02:00 AM
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That
was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day
the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something
had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean
the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much
effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been
no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 02:37 AM
*Fairy Godmother*

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy
godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."


*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.


"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."


*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.


"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's
cat wanders across the porch in front of them.


"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.


*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he
saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 02:40 AM
FREEDOM FRIES

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of
castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding
with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English,
but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his
French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep
farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away!

My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call
them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for
supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they
all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his
wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the
weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries'
this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like
hell!!"

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 02:48 AM
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

***********************************************

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?

************************************************


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

**************************************************

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

************************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of
contests.

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 02:52 AM
There were these two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day
that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and
mistaked him for John and stated, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You
must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat, said, "Hell no, fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old
dead fish. She was always losing water. She had a bad crack in the back
and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole
got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her
off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I
warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The damn fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the
damn middle!!!"

The old woman fainted.

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 02:58 AM
A TENDER STORY.....

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
chuckling, thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex
against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So
he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, "This is truly
amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is." So, as the couple
passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret
to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't
an electric fence."

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 03:18 AM
The Louisiana State Police received reports of
illegal cockfights being held in the area
around Natchitoches (pronounced Nack-a-dish)
and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux,
to investigate.

Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next
morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis
rooster fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas
Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find
that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen
dem rooster fights in person. I knowed dem
Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in
one of the fights."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what
about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de
Cajuns was involved when summbody
bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you all
figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

Bronco Bob
09-20-2007, 03:22 AM
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa
night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a
big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided t steal
dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had
to be real careful or he'd git bit.

He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake
din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's
arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on
his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in
his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's
gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a
moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf.
Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and
his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou.
Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later! Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . .

wif two more frogs.

REB
09-24-2007, 06:26 AM
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

REB
09-25-2007, 12:59 PM
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with

REB
09-26-2007, 04:09 PM
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it said Wendy and when it was limp it said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also had a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!

Bronco Bob
09-26-2007, 05:34 PM
Cigars for the Judge

My Uncle Fred was a defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money.
Uncle Fred begs his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked Uncle Fred.
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that
would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.
In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of
Uncle Fred. As the Uncle Fred left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." his lawyer said.
Uncle Fred tells the lawyer "But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's
business card." a smiling Uncle Fred tells him.

Bronco Bob
09-26-2007, 05:41 PM
Boy or Girl?

A brunette, a redhead, and a blond were waiting in a doctor's office.
They started talking and the brunette said, "I'm going to have a
girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl.
I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl."
Then the redhead said, "That means I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top."
At that the blond started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?"
She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!

Bronco Bob
09-26-2007, 05:50 PM
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a
beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding
bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers.
So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice.
All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the Hades was that!?!".
Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

Bronco Bob
09-26-2007, 05:54 PM
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"

Bronco Bob
09-26-2007, 06:01 PM
Joey goes over to his friend Tony's house and rings the bell.
Tony's wife Sara answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Joey, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and Joey says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen.
I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows him one. Joey thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Joey says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both.
I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Joey a nice long look.
Joey thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Joey came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Bronco Bob
09-26-2007, 06:18 PM
A guy moves to San Francisco and gets a job as a taxi driver. On night
a nun hails his taxi. So he pulls over she gets in and sits behind the him.
She says to the taxi driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a
convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The taxi driver
agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man
because it would be a sin. The taxi driver says no problem, he's not
married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it
in the ass. The taxi driver agrees again and pulls into an alley and goes in
the back of the taxi to take care of business. When they were done and
he had resumed driving the taxi driver said, Sister, I have a confession to
make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K.
I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.

Bronco Bob
09-26-2007, 06:22 PM
Two Russian guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights.
As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry.
They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?"
"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks.
The two Russians sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says,
"Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

TBD
09-26-2007, 06:53 PM
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale




Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl

"Will you marry me?"


The girl said,"NO!"

And the guy lived
happily ever after and went fishing and hunting
and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

REB
09-26-2007, 07:13 PM
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!" Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman
noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub
after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub,
Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees
are
killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage
in
the third
pub."

REB
09-27-2007, 06:28 PM
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

REB
09-28-2007, 01:54 PM
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh Oranges to those waiting. Grandma said that was wonderful because she loved oranges, so she got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck' em dry!"

REB
09-28-2007, 01:54 PM
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise
me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa'
speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get
laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

REB
09-29-2007, 04:55 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any poon?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

REB
09-29-2007, 09:07 PM
The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
.
The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. Damn them!

Bronco Bob
09-30-2007, 09:27 PM
Brenda McNalley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."......

Bronco Bob
09-30-2007, 09:33 PM
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in he size. She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA
bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had
become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the
sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have
anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you
tried Clearasil?"

REB
10-01-2007, 02:58 PM
Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

REB
10-02-2007, 03:01 PM
It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

REB
10-02-2007, 06:17 PM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."


The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When
I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon.........You got nice house."

REB
10-03-2007, 12:57 PM
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the hell out!". So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So the boss says, to him, "Get the hell out!" As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it." So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?" So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well hell, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."
_________________

REB
10-04-2007, 01:42 PM
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Billy Clyde Puckett
10-07-2007, 10:40 PM
Remember when


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

BABronco
10-08-2007, 12:00 AM
Denver's special team play!

BABronco
10-08-2007, 12:01 AM
Denver's defense...

BABronco
10-08-2007, 12:07 AM
True story: Watching the game today with my friend from denmark. And after the fumble on the kickoff return, I yelled damn I freaking special team is killing us already! He looks at me and he was like your retard team?

Bronco Bob
10-08-2007, 01:06 PM
Another joke was everyone thinking Plummer was the only thing holding the Broncos back.

REB
10-08-2007, 02:20 PM
Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

REB
10-08-2007, 02:21 PM
A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar. He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want a drink so he walks up to the bar. The bartender asks "What is the name of your penis?" The man says "Man get outta my face I'm not like that, just gimme a beer." The bartender replies,"I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." The man says, "Okay then what's the name of your penis?" The bartender replies "Mine is named Nike, You know, Just Do it. The man thought for a moment then replied "Mine is named Secret." The bartender replied "Secret??" The man explained, you know, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

REB
10-09-2007, 03:01 PM
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you damn wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some damn waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet arse I don't want no damn waffles!"

Hogan11
10-09-2007, 09:43 PM
Here's an old warhorse fave of mine you may or may not have heard before.

Q: How do you get a U graduate off from your front porch?

A: Pay for the pizza

REB
10-10-2007, 01:55 PM
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Bronco Bob
10-11-2007, 12:54 AM
Broncos Security Reports Robbery to Denver PD.

During the Chargers game thieves snuck in a back door to the Broncos locker room
and began cleaning out the player's lockers.
They were still at work when the game ended so the team caught them in the act.
But the thieves managed to get away.
When asked to explain how a couple of thieves could get away from an entire football team,
the Broncos spokesman explained: "They ran for it."

REB
10-11-2007, 02:25 PM
Deciphering men’s speech patterns

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

REB
10-11-2007, 02:25 PM
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

REB
10-12-2007, 01:31 PM
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

oubronco
10-12-2007, 07:59 PM
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

ROFL! LOL ROFL!

REB
10-14-2007, 01:35 PM
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of
breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked what he
did
to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
Energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
Looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
It'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this
chit but me."

Bronco Bob
10-15-2007, 02:22 AM
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and

is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says,

"Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she

gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly," KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to

her, you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."

Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."



Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.

Bronco Bob
10-15-2007, 02:24 AM
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a
highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just
wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of
your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have
my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins
to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some
people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you
should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check
both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she
told her husband about the broken reflector, and he
said he would put a new one on it immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said
there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Bronco Bob
10-15-2007, 03:03 AM
A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting when an enormous bear runs
up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters.

Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the bear.

The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads
back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.

Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the
bear that's closest to them.

"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter, "That's the female."

"The Czech is in the male."

REB
10-15-2007, 01:15 PM
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

REB
10-16-2007, 03:37 PM
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

REB
10-17-2007, 03:55 PM
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

REB
10-17-2007, 03:57 PM
Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe
it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little
"dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker...
"It's not talcum powder......
It's 'Miracle Grow'."

REB
10-18-2007, 04:57 PM
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

REB
10-19-2007, 08:40 PM
A guy goes out golfing with his wife, and hits one of his drives into a small barn. The man's wife says to him "I think if we open the door up a little more, you can punch it out into the fairway and save a drop." After a little thought, the man gives it a go only to hit his wife in the head and kill her dead. A few years later the man and one of his buddies played the course, and the man hit the same shot into the barn. his buddy says "I think if we open up the door a little more...." The man promptly interupts yelling "F no, last time I did that I took an 8 on this hole."

REB
10-19-2007, 08:40 PM
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

Bronco Bob
10-19-2007, 11:08 PM
A man is the sole survivor of a ship wreck and is washed ashore on a deserted island.
The island is quite lush so he doesn't have to worry about food,
and shelter is easy to make. In fact life there is too easy.
He gets rather board and the only thing he has to occupy his time is to masturbate.

But as the months go by even that starts to get boring and he finds it
more and more difficult to get it up.

Suddenly one day he see a ship on the horizon.
So he lights his signal fire and to his joy the ship sees it and starts
to head toward the island.
So as he sits back and waits for the ship to arrive he starts to imagine
what it will be like to be rescued.

First off I will take a warm bath. Then I will dress in fine clothing.
I will go to the dining room and have a wonderful, elegant meal.
And there will be fine ladies there, dressed in beautiful gowns.
I will invite one of them to may table to dine with me.
She will have blond hair and deep blue eyes and she will
have perfume that smells of delicate flowers.
Later we will adjourn to my room where she will undress for me.
She will have flawless skin and a firm tight body.
We will then precede to make passionate love.

Suddenly he started getting hard, and begins to furiously masturbate.
Afterwards he looks down a laughs.
"Ha ha, fooled you. There was no ship."

Bronco Bob
10-20-2007, 04:31 AM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any ?
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Bronco Bob
10-20-2007, 04:53 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going
to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

REB
10-21-2007, 04:28 PM
Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

REB
10-22-2007, 07:08 PM
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

REB
10-23-2007, 03:48 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

REB
10-24-2007, 08:33 PM
Italian Logic..

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson
to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38
revolver so you always remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava
me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.

You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and
maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna
bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say,"Times
up"?

REB
10-24-2007, 08:34 PM
Subject: Difference between Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied,
"Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to
a great university!"


The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied,
"Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"


The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"


The boy pondered the answers for awhile and then went back to his dad. His father asked him,
"Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'"?


The boy replied:
"Yes, 'potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars,
but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman

REB
10-24-2007, 08:34 PM
There is this guy who has a 25 inch stick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his stick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his rooster will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his stick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys stick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

Bronco Bob
10-25-2007, 03:53 AM
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store
looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in
Mississippi ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you
sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a
larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot,
you should go fishing."*

Bronco Bob
10-25-2007, 03:57 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them, sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
Are - my - test - results - back?'

Bronco Bob
10-25-2007, 04:03 AM
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of a store. As he
waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me
where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a
couple of blocks and turn to your right.

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in
town and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you
how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle "Aawww, come on; you don't even
know the way to the post office!"

REB
10-25-2007, 04:20 PM
Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"
So her friend asks: "What's a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"
So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

REB
10-26-2007, 11:14 PM
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "Holy crap! A talking pig!"

REB
10-26-2007, 11:15 PM
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

OBF1
10-27-2007, 12:54 AM
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"


This is a good one... My dad will need to hear this :rofl:

REB
10-27-2007, 04:32 PM
The husband store

A brand new store has just opened in London
that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a
husband, they have to follow
the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6
floors and the value of the
products increase as you ascend the flights.
You may choose any item from a particular floor, or
may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except
to exit the building."
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor
1 - These men have jobs.
She goes on up to the 2nd.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have
Jobs and Love Kids. She
continues up to the 3rd.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor
4 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help with
Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand
it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with
Housework and are caring
sensitive lovers.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th
floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012,065 to this
floor. There are no men on
this floor This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner
opens a New Wives store just
across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have
money.

The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visited.

REB
10-27-2007, 04:33 PM
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it .

REB
10-27-2007, 04:34 PM
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on maybe twice a month, but I fart 15+ times a day. No thanks."

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 12:47 AM
True stories.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we
did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.


I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !



STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE as well

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 01:10 AM
WHY CONDOMS COME IN PACKAGES OF 3, 6, OR 12"

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package? "

The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for
Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 01:14 AM
The Nail

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher
says to Amy,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one
of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's
stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets
here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks
on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along
the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is
the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this
is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 01:23 AM
Old and Sharp.....


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old
man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,"by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!


.....Don't mess with Old People.

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 01:35 AM
Bedtime after 30 years of marriage.

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was
becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the TV remote!"

.

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 01:47 AM
Bubba's pregnant sister gets in a serious car accident causing her to fall
into a deep coma. She awakens after nearly six months and sees that she
is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl and your
babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting
the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers with a smile.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong
about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

She then asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

Smiling and shaking his shoulders up and down, the doctor replies, "Denephew"

.

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 02:01 AM
Dog Story

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Denver, two boys were playing basketball when a killer Rottweiler attacked
one of them. The dog had locked his jaws on the boy's leg. Thinking quickly,
the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's
collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Denver Post witnessed the incident and
rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his
laptop, beginning with the headline,

"Brave Broncos Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Broncos fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Denver , I just assumed
you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again,

"John Elway Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"I'm not a John Elway fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for
the Broncos and John Elway. What team or person do you like?''

"I'm a Raiders fan, and I really like Al Davis," the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again:

"Vicious Raiders Loving Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 02:10 AM
Once upon a time in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured
princess happened upon a frog as she
sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said:
" Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome
prince, until an evil witch cast a spell
upon me.

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper,
young prince that I am.

And then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother, where you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and
happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined
sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and
onion cream sauce, she chuckled
and thought to herself:

"I don't flippen' think so."

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 02:31 AM
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and
said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."

The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the
middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of
the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and
made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They
appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very
long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found
it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.

But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could
not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly
the same as the first one. There was the large round table
with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth
water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled
spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump,
laughing and talking.

The holy man said, "I don't understand."

"It is simple," said the Lord. "It requires but one skill.
You see they have learned to feed each other, while
the greedy think only of themselves."

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 04:22 AM
English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour
group and explore the city on his own. He wanders
around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a
quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the
locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice
neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs,
no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public
restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those
beer's He finds a narrow side street, with high
walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a
London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but
I really have to go, and I just can't find a public
restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobby, "just follow me". He leads
the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which
he opens.

"In there," points the Bobby, "whiz away sir,
anywhere you like."

The American enters and finds himself in the most
beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass
lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves
himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes
back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call English
hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the Bobby, "that is what we call
the French Embassy."

Bronco Bob
10-28-2007, 05:17 AM
Police Quotes



#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just
went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document"

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess t hat means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Sheriff is a personal friend of yours. So
you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here

REB
10-28-2007, 03:46 PM
A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "F**k you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

Orange_Beard
10-31-2007, 05:52 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She
asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She
responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."

REB
11-01-2007, 01:33 AM
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine; I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

REB
11-01-2007, 01:34 AM
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

REB
11-01-2007, 01:35 AM
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

REB
11-01-2007, 01:35 AM
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

REB
11-01-2007, 01:36 AM
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

BMF Bronco
11-01-2007, 06:25 PM
Reasons not to flirt
A husband and wife were scheduled to attend a Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a lit tle kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guy, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life".