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03-04-2006, 09:06 AM
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

03-06-2006, 07:16 AM

BMF Bronco
03-08-2006, 03:56 PM
knock, knock...

who's there?

five more posts untiil 2k

Billy Clyde Puckett
03-08-2006, 04:11 PM
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.
Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.
No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't

Billy Clyde Puckett
03-08-2006, 05:53 PM
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

03-08-2006, 10:20 PM

Well....it is a joke thread.

BMF Bronco
03-09-2006, 11:28 AM

Well....it is a joke thread.

03-12-2006, 09:28 AM
A rugged sheepherder from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not
going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The sheepherder tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a
head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off
with a gallon of prune juice."

The sheepherder squares his rugged shoulders and asks "Will that cure me, Doc?".

His doctor says "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your butt is for."

03-13-2006, 12:10 PM
Expensive Fishing Trip
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Rocket 7
03-13-2006, 05:54 PM
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town
of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before
the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their
pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's Ultimate Enemy was
in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and
said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yup, sure do."

Satan asked, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why not?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over
48 years!"

03-15-2006, 10:33 AM
It was a little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to
play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the
students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Johnny's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.

She asked "Do you know what it is?"

Johnny replied "No"

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."

Little Johnny did so.
The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Johnny said "Nooooo."

The teacher said, "I"ll give you a hint...it is something your daddy
wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams

03-19-2006, 07:41 AM
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f'ng beautiful!'"

03-25-2006, 08:26 AM
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

03-27-2006, 01:00 AM
A little boy went up to this dad and asked "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

His father said, "ok son, why dont you go up to your mom and ask her whether she would have sex with the ugliest man in the world for 1 million dollars?"

The son promptly did so and his mother responded in the affirmative.

He went back to his Dad and told him that he had asked her the question and she said "sure, ofcourse, i would." The boy's father then instructed him to ask his sister that same question.

He did so and she replied in the same way.

After reporting back to his Dad, the Dad sat his son down and told him
"In theory we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of sluts".

04-07-2006, 11:05 AM
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04-07-2006, 11:14 AM
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">London</st1:place></st1:City>. One took
a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle
seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke"

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat,
I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of he Arabs
picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the
Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
"That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the
Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone
the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all <o:p></o:p>
sat back and enjoyed the flight.<o:p></o:p>

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.

"How long must this go on?"

"This fighting between our nations?" <o:p></o:p>
"This hatred?"

"This animosity?"

"This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"<o:p></o:p>

Billy Clyde Puckett
05-10-2006, 07:22 PM
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie.

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

Boobs McGee
05-18-2006, 11:42 AM
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

05-20-2006, 07:43 PM

Billy Clyde Puckett
05-22-2006, 01:49 PM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & &n! bsp;DO.< /SPAN>

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

05-22-2006, 03:00 PM
An elderly couple was siting in church one day. The elderly lady leans over to her husband and whispers, " I just let a silent fart what should I do?" the elderly man leans back over to her and says, " Get your hearing aids checked!"

05-26-2006, 06:48 AM
The wife worries her husband is having an affair ....

One night he comes home carressing a duck in his arms and announces, "this is the pig I've been screwing!"

His wife says, "that's not a pig, it's a duck."

He says, "shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

06-09-2006, 12:39 PM

06-09-2006, 12:40 PM

06-09-2006, 12:41 PM

06-09-2006, 12:43 PM

06-09-2006, 12:45 PM

06-09-2006, 12:48 PM

06-09-2006, 12:50 PM

06-09-2006, 12:53 PM

06-09-2006, 12:55 PM

06-15-2006, 01:51 PM
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTAGE!!!!"

06-15-2006, 01:55 PM
Best Caddie Come Backs!
> # 10
> Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
> Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
> # 9
> Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
> Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
> # 8
> Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
> Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
> # 7
> Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
> Caddy: "Eventually."
> # 6
> Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
> Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
> # 5
> Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
> Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
> # 4
> Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
> Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
> # 3
> Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
> Caddy: "The way you play! , sir, it's a sin on any day."
> # 2
> Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played."
> Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
> # 1
> Best Caddy Comment
> Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
> Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

06-15-2006, 02:01 PM
The new edition of :

You Know You're a Redneck When......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"
on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever visited is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

06-15-2006, 02:07 PM
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

06-15-2006, 02:08 PM
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

06-15-2006, 02:16 PM

06-15-2006, 02:17 PM
One way to tell your neighbors really don't like you.......

06-19-2006, 10:02 AM
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with
names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time.
So, the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

06-22-2006, 01:33 PM
The pope and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at just the same time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters.

First the pope was taken to his room, a small, spartan cubicle with a chair, a desk, and a Bible.

Then the lawyer was shown to his room, a massive duplex with women, wine, and a huge waterbed.

"Excuse me, " said the lawyer to St. Peter, "there must be some mistake. Shouldn't the pope have this room?"

St. Peter shook his head: "No. We have dozens of popes in heaven, but you're our first attorney."

06-22-2006, 03:11 PM

06-25-2006, 01:33 PM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and make love to her?

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

06-25-2006, 01:34 PM
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

06-25-2006, 01:35 PM
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

06-26-2006, 09:11 AM
Subject: The Lone Ranger Rides Again

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo muffin - someone has stolen tent."

06-30-2006, 07:50 AM
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

06-30-2006, 09:09 AM
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

07-03-2006, 12:37 PM
How To Impress A Woman,

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Smile at her,
Compliment her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man,

Show up naked...Bring beer & chicken wings...Don't block the TV.

07-09-2006, 10:00 AM
The ventriloquist... with his dummy on his knee starts going through the usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that stupid little bitch on your knee!"

07-09-2006, 12:36 PM

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,
you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,
and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son with a rather nervous
disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently
married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced
the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"
you can correct them.

Crock O. Schitt

07-10-2006, 02:30 PM
If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullshiat u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullshiat u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh shiat help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my shiat
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this shiat im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: shiat now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o shiat!
*paTTon has left the game.*

courtesy of www.fark.com

07-11-2006, 12:32 PM
A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house.

07-12-2006, 02:13 PM
What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde? - The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."

Posted as a rep comment by Pezzy

07-12-2006, 05:45 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir".

The man, with great effort, pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.

That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.....

Are --
my --
test --
results --

07-23-2006, 02:26 PM
Got some catching up to do :)

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and havn't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment, up she comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup one was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.



P.S. I was going to send you some money but already had this sealed.

07-23-2006, 02:27 PM
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

07-23-2006, 02:28 PM
You missing a 710?,

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A
blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They
all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of
the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and
asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a
circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her
over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is
there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course,
it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:


07-23-2006, 02:30 PM
One day, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch retirement home. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him."Actually, sharp as ever."

After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"

07-23-2006, 02:33 PM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

07-23-2006, 02:36 PM
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

08-14-2006, 08:40 AM
A man and a woman were just divorced, on their way out of the courthouse they are both killed by a runaway bus. In heaven, they have 2nd thoughts about their divorce so they go to St. Peter and ask to be remarried. St. Peter said 'come back in 15 years!'

15 years later they're back and a minister remarries them. Soon after they start fighting again, and want to split up. So they go back to St. Peter and ask to be divorced. St. Peter throws up his hands and says 'It took me 15 years to find a preacher up here and now you want me to find a lawyer??!!

08-18-2006, 09:05 AM
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, 'I'd like to have some birth control pills.'

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 'Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?'

The woman responded, 'They help me sleep better.'

The doctor thought some more and continued, 'How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?'

The woman said, 'I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.'

08-18-2006, 06:03 PM
One night a woman tells her husband that he has to give up drinking beer every night because they could no longer afford it. The next day he is looking over the finances and sees that she spends $65.00 on make-up, $150.00 for a cut and color, $30.00 on a manicure, $40.00 for a pedicure, $50.00 on vitamins, $300.00 on clothes, and $600.00 for a gym membership. He asked his wife why he had to give up beer but she wouldn't give up any of these things. She replied, "So I can look pretty for you". He looked her square in the face and said "That's what the beer is for!"

08-19-2006, 03:04 PM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5. "The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom. Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

08-19-2006, 03:42 PM

08-19-2006, 03:53 PM

08-19-2006, 05:12 PM

08-21-2006, 04:51 PM
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

08-22-2006, 11:41 AM
The Female Poem
I want a man who's handsome and strong

A man who will listen carefully and long.

One who thinks before he speaks

One who will call and won't wait for weeks.

I want a man who is gainfully employed

And when I spend his money, won't be annoyed.

A man who holds my arm as he opens the door

And massages my neck as he asks to do more.

I guess what I want is a man who loves to the end

A man who will always be my very best friend.

The Male Poem

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a

liquor store, a bowling alley, a big fishing boat, and a golf course.

I know that doesn't rhyme, but I don't give a shi+.

08-26-2006, 08:04 PM
<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem
to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy
and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay...now what ?"

</TD></TR><TR><TD id=INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"></TD><TD id=INCREDISOUND vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD><TD id=INCREDIANIM vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

08-26-2006, 08:05 PM
<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden,
As he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
His son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be
Over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug
Up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie


08-26-2006, 08:18 PM
Imagine a beautiful beach with white sand, listening to the gently rocking background noise from the waves. Beautiful bodies enjoying the warm sun, your third beer just emptied and dozing off in the sun lounger. Suddenly, a cloud appears, making you realize that your tranquil peace is about to change .............



08-27-2006, 02:37 PM
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself
from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket
to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger than
the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

08-27-2006, 04:35 PM
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

08-27-2006, 04:36 PM
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

08-27-2006, 04:36 PM
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation . . .

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

08-29-2006, 08:07 PM

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

09-13-2006, 07:27 PM
>> Robot Bartender
>> A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a
>> noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to
>> and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>> The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
>> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini
>> man had ever had.
>> The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"
>> The man answered "oh, about 164."
>> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
>> 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break troughs,
>> etc.......
>> The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he
>> try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the
>> clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>> Again it was superb? The robot again asked "what is your IQ
>> This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot
>> discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what
>> expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
>> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and
>> a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your
>> This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
>> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,
>> "A-r-e......... y-o-u-r......... p-e-o-p-l-e..........
>> g-o-i-n-g...........t-o........ n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e..........

Billy Clyde Puckett
09-18-2006, 05:57 PM
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

09-18-2006, 06:54 PM
A man flew to Florida and checked into a motel to await his wife who would be meeting him the next day after a business trip. At the motel he decided to send his wife an e-mail from his lap-top computer. While entering her address he typed one letter wrong and his note was directed, instead, to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the message, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her family heard the noise and rushed into the room to find her on the floor and this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


Your eternally loving husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

09-20-2006, 08:30 AM
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Arkansas Bronco
09-21-2006, 11:33 AM
> > Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says
> > he's sending a
> > friend over to look at a horse.
> > Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
> > That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
> > So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's
> > looking for
> > a male or female horse.
> > A female horth."
> > So he shows him a prized filly.
> > "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
> > Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes
> > the once over.
> > "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the
> > little fella up
> > again, and shows him the horse's ears.
> > "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
> > The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this
> > point, but he picks him
> > up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
> > "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
> > Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under
> > his arms and rams
> > the
> > midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat,
> > pulls
> > him out and slams him on the ground.
> > The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth
> > I should rephrase
> > that Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit.

Arkansas Bronco
09-21-2006, 11:56 AM
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh No!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little winkie through the bushes, I say, $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me."

Billy Clyde Puckett
09-27-2006, 02:11 PM
Ain't it the truth!

Elway 4 Life
09-29-2006, 01:20 PM
OAKLAND, (CA)--Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed nearly two
hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Head coach Art Shell immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE.
Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.


10-01-2006, 02:09 PM
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

10-01-2006, 03:37 PM

Our Lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

and forgive us our spillages,

as we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For Thine is the beer, the bitter, The lager.


10-05-2006, 08:40 PM
A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before -- rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static."

The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."

10-05-2006, 08:41 PM
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He says to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night at dinner she does.

About a week later she's back at the Dr. and Says "Dr. the pill worked great. I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, throws the table out of the way, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the floor."

The doctor says, I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.

Naah she says, that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway......

10-07-2006, 02:41 PM
The Mother of All Resignation Letters: Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, U.S.A. to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker:

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to exp lain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharply-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

* When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do that on your own.

* I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites" list, which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

* When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them, like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted, repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,


10-07-2006, 02:42 PM
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.

His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

10-18-2006, 08:02 AM
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to Illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and Income taxes for three of the last five y ears. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children d riving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

10-28-2006, 03:43 PM

(1) Stick your palm open under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter"

(2) Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

(3) Say "Hummm, I've never seen that color before."

(4) Drop a glass marble and say, " Oh $hit!! My glass eye!"

(5) Say, " Damn, this water is cold."

(6) Grunt and strain real loud for about 30 seconds and then drop a cantalope into the toilet from a high place and sign relaxingly.

(7) Say, "Now how did that get there."

( Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

(9) Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stalls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!"

(10) Say, " Interesting...................more sinkers the floaters."

(11) Using a small spueeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it uner the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

(12) Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little to small. Now what am I gonna do?"

(13) Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

10-28-2006, 03:45 PM

10-28-2006, 03:48 PM

Rocket 7
10-30-2006, 09:38 AM
What does Brokeback Mountain and the NFL have in common?

Both have Cowboys that suck

Billy Clyde Puckett
11-07-2006, 10:17 AM
Proof Global Warming Is Real

11-08-2006, 08:10 PM
Learn how to dance like a white guy...


11-09-2006, 09:30 PM
Three kids are in school...a Mexican, a White, and a Black...
The teacher tells them to make a sentence with liver and cheese.

White kid says:
"My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich with all
my favorite ingredients and it was sooo delightful...
Very generous of my mother I must say"

Black kid says:
"My daddy told my momma to go get the Government
cheese and she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver..."

Mexican kid says:
"Some kids were trying to look under my sister's
dress so I told the vatos "Hey Cabron!! Liver alone.
Cheese my Sister!!!"

Billy Clyde Puckett
11-10-2006, 02:59 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: .1, you have to be single and ..2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Billy Clyde Puckett
11-10-2006, 03:05 PM
A Guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You will be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah,.. .... well....you started it."

Billy Clyde Puckett
11-15-2006, 12:28 PM
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

12-05-2006, 06:23 PM


12-05-2006, 06:27 PM
Scottish Sobriety Test...


12-12-2006, 09:59 PM
Day number 180

Day number 181
Same as above

Day number 182
Same as above


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

12-16-2006, 04:30 PM
Oh, its good to be blonde .......

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week
I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had
been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me . . . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't
heard back from him since.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

12-16-2006, 04:30 PM
Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shoot my pants.”

The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”

12-16-2006, 04:31 PM
Are you color blind? Anyone for some tennis?


12-16-2006, 04:33 PM
Don't try this at home...


12-16-2006, 04:36 PM

12-16-2006, 04:41 PM

12-16-2006, 04:43 PM

12-17-2006, 01:53 PM
Christmas Tree Tip..

I heard a really good tip today for those of you who purchase real live Christmas Trees....

Be sure to add 1 Tablespoon of Robotussin to the water...

This will stop the tree from coughing its balls off....

12-26-2006, 10:04 PM

12-26-2006, 10:07 PM

12-26-2006, 10:08 PM

12-26-2006, 10:11 PM

Arkansas Bronco
12-26-2006, 10:14 PM

Ha! is that what happened to Brian?

12-27-2006, 01:40 AM
Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search
of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a

present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could

admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted

to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,

"Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying,

and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

12-30-2006, 07:11 PM
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

12-30-2006, 07:16 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied,

"These are Carol's."

12-30-2006, 07:19 PM

12-30-2006, 07:31 PM

Billy Clyde Puckett
01-03-2007, 07:01 PM
Brian, was a business graduate, and had been out of school for several years. He had
established a furniture store and was doing quite well. He decided to
expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he
knew no one else in town carried. He scheduled a buying trip to France.

Brian's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of
pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the
arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided
to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The place
was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and
motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her
face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes."
The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of
French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word
of English. He finally had an idea! He took a napkin and drew a wine
glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished,
Brian realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and
drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her
head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a
very nice restaurant.

They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated
in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the
dance floor. Brian could not read the menu since it was in French, so he
allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After
dinner, Brian took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She
nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played,
whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to pack away
their instruments, the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for Brian's pen. He handed it to her
and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.

Brian is still wondering to this day. . . . . . .
how she ever knew he was in the furniture business!

01-05-2007, 12:15 AM
Jimmy and Bubba were on a lake fishing one day. They had a few beers, and caught a few fish, and had a few laughs.
Jimmy looked over to the road on the side of the lake, and noticed a funeral procession going by. "Look Bubba, somebody musta died."
Bubba looked over, and stood up in the boat, took his hat off, and bowed his head.
"Well, that's right kindly of ya to pay respects." Said Jimmy.
Bubba replied; "It's the least i could do Jimmy. I was married to her for 26 years."

01-13-2007, 10:56 PM
Two rednecks go to be counselled as to which classes they need to enroll in.

#1 redneck goes into the office & is told he needs to take math, science & logic.

#1RN) "Math. Science. And Logic? What's logic?

Coun) "Well, let's see if I can explain this to you. Do you have a weedeater?"

#1RN) "yes"

Coun) "Then you prob have a yard.?"

#1RN) "yeap"

Coun) "If you have a yard you prob have a house.?"

#1RN) "yeap, got a house."

Coun) "Well, if you have a house you are prob married.?"

#1RN) "yeap, I'm married."

Coun) "Since your married, I'd say your a heterosexual."

#1RN) "Oh, I think I got it now!"

Out in the hall his friend asks him about the classes.

#1RN) "I have to take math, science and logic."

#2RN) "Logic? What's logic?"

#1RN) "Let me explain this to you. Do you have a weedeater?"

#2RN) "No."

#1RN) F*g**t!

Billy Clyde Puckett
01-25-2007, 04:22 PM
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom
had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying
a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a
good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the
new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Arkansas Bronco
01-29-2007, 09:54 AM
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

01-29-2007, 08:06 PM
Lost at the Supermarket

A man and his girlfriend get separated in a grocery store.

The man approaches a beautiful woman and says, "I've lost my girlfriend. Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"

"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.

"Well, every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

01-29-2007, 08:06 PM
Subject: Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

01-29-2007, 08:07 PM
a man had a wife who constantly nagged. As her birthday approached she began to nag him about buying her a sports car as a present.
"We can't afford it", he said. "I don't care", she whined. " For my birthday I want something that will go from 0-200 in less than 10 seconds."

So, he bought her a bathroom scale.

01-30-2007, 12:01 AM

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Billy Clyde Puckett
01-30-2007, 03:13 PM
You are a Coloradoan if ......

1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.
2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
3. Your sense of direction is: toward the mountains and away from the mountains.
4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.
5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike
6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
without even flinching.
7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go
here otherwise.
8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.
11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards
12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.
13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a
picnic to the mountains.
14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there
are 4 inches of snow.
15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista .
16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.
17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.
18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.
19. April showers bring May blizzards.
20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.
21. You know what a 'Chinook' is
22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.
23. You know what a "fourteener" is.
24. ...But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.
25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in
Congress does.
26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.
27. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.
28. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.
29. Thunder has set off your car alarm.
30. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.
31. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
32. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!
33. You know where the real " South Park " is.
34. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.
35. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass. '
36. You've 'checked for ticks'
37. You've dressed in shorts , sandals, and a parka with a hood.
38. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........
39. You've played golf in January and.......
40. They were in the same year!
41. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans
42. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is
43. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that
California and Texas are both downstream.

Billy Clyde Puckett
01-30-2007, 03:13 PM
Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent, & the last
instruction from the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decided to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, & paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door.

Who is it? called one of the nuns.

"Blind man", replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns looked at each other & shrugged, & deciding that no
harm could come from letting a blind man into the room, they opened the

"Nice boobs", said the man, where do you want the blinds?

Arkansas Bronco
01-30-2007, 05:49 PM
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
confused as to where he was on
the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to
her, explained his confusion
and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must
be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf ball.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the
same request.
"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help. I understand that you're
in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation
H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

Old Dude
02-02-2007, 04:20 PM
After 30 years of marriage, George kicked the bucket.

Maggie, his wife, arranged for a fabulous funeral, and everything went as well as could be expected.

On the way out the door one of the pallbearers slipped and the coffin struck the wall. From inside the coffin, came a groan. The coffin was quickly pried open and inside was George, still showing signs of life! Apparently, he'd only been in a coma! They rushed him to the hospital and revived him.

Ten years later, George died. Again, the funeral went smoothly. And, as the pallbearers approached the door, Maggie cried out,

"Watch out for the wall!"

02-14-2007, 02:40 AM

02-14-2007, 02:41 AM

02-14-2007, 02:42 AM

02-14-2007, 02:42 AM

02-14-2007, 03:16 AM
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

02-16-2007, 06:15 PM
Ok, stupid joke....

What do you get when you cross an Athiest with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who knocks on doors for no apparent reason!

2 Minute Warning
02-17-2007, 04:03 PM
Sorry if this has already been posted......

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

02-17-2007, 04:35 PM
Sorry if this has already been posted......

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


02-17-2007, 05:15 PM

that is awesome 2MW

02-17-2007, 09:10 PM

02-17-2007, 09:15 PM
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

02-17-2007, 09:16 PM
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

02-17-2007, 09:18 PM
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"


02-17-2007, 09:30 PM
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

02-17-2007, 09:37 PM
Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beer tender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

02-18-2007, 08:46 AM
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"


Billy Clyde Puckett
02-19-2007, 04:44 PM
They start young these days

02-19-2007, 05:55 PM

02-19-2007, 05:56 PM

02-19-2007, 05:56 PM

02-19-2007, 05:58 PM

02-19-2007, 05:59 PM

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02-19-2007, 06:11 PM

02-19-2007, 06:12 PM

02-19-2007, 06:14 PM

02-19-2007, 06:19 PM

02-19-2007, 09:30 PM

02-19-2007, 09:32 PM

02-19-2007, 09:36 PM

02-19-2007, 09:40 PM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Billy Clyde Puckett
02-20-2007, 02:47 PM
Tech Support

02-20-2007, 07:54 PM

02-20-2007, 07:55 PM

Billy Clyde Puckett
02-21-2007, 10:46 AM
Trevor the farmer was in the Fertilized Egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
"pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and
was replace d.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a
very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old
Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to

The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell
in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk o n to t he next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the
West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight
sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded Gordon the No
Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

02-22-2007, 09:49 PM
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

Billy Clyde Puckett
02-24-2007, 04:29 PM
True Friendship"

(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always
sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of
true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this
card-just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot
revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is
choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories
about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

5. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

6. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you
are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.

7. This is my oath ... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you
may ask "because you are my friend"

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.

02-24-2007, 04:53 PM

Ah, REB... she's just making a fashion statement. Who knows, the duct tape bra could become the next big fad amongst the "Emo" crowd... Ha! ;D

02-26-2007, 08:48 AM
Ah, REB... she's just making a fashion statement. Who knows, the duct tape bra could become the next big fad amongst the "Emo" crowd... Ha! ;D


02-26-2007, 10:39 PM
The MAN Of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going t o go
upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess."

02-28-2007, 01:23 PM
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

03-02-2007, 05:01 PM
One day while jogging a middle-aged man noticed two tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him smiling.
"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis *elbow* and the pain was unbearable!"

Billy Clyde Puckett
03-06-2007, 05:17 PM

Arkansas Bronco
03-07-2007, 01:49 PM
>What Starts with F and ends with K
>A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
>students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
>Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
>3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
>grade too!'
>Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
>principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
>would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
>he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
>Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
>agreed to take the test.
>Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
>Harry: '9.'
>Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
>Harry: '36.'
>And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
>should know.
>The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go
>to the 3rd grade'
>Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
>The principal and Harry both agreed.
>Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
>Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
>Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
>The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
>Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
>Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
>Harry: 'Pants.'
>Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
>delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
>Harry: 'C oconut.'
>The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
>The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
>answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
>Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
>and a dog does on three legs?'
>Harry: 'Shake hands.'
>The principal was trembling.
>Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
>lot of heat and excitement?'
>Harry: 'Firetruck.'
>The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put
>Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

03-08-2007, 09:58 PM
Subject: Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullpoop with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueles

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. For crying out loud, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one!

03-10-2007, 11:18 AM
Two weeks ago in upstate New York, Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.

03-12-2007, 05:37 PM
Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.

We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car door.

Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the chit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting any real nourishment."

"See, by the time you get done shakin' the chit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an a$$hole and a briefcase!"

03-18-2007, 09:57 PM
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

Arkansas Bronco
03-22-2007, 05:32 PM
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Eastern Kentuckians, EasternTennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is " HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."



5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

03-26-2007, 10:38 PM
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a >>>free

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're

You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have

that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

"W I N A B A G E L"

03-26-2007, 10:39 PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Arkansas Bronco
03-27-2007, 09:51 AM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

03-27-2007, 12:13 PM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

LOL I like that kid :thumbsup:

Billy Clyde Puckett
04-09-2007, 02:27 PM
Just in time for Tax Day.

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.

"How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney.

"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

04-09-2007, 07:38 PM

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One had a cross in front of him - the other had the Star of David.

Many people strolled by and glanced at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by, stopping to observe the throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, while none gave to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest walked over to the beggar behind the Star of David and advised, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country and this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!

Billy Clyde Puckett
04-11-2007, 10:48 AM
> 1. go to www.google.com
> 2. click on "maps"
> 3. click on "get directions"
> 4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
> 5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
> (hit get directions)
> 6. scroll down to step #23

Billy Clyde Puckett
04-17-2007, 11:28 AM
This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak
his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they
rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the
bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim
light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven
scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's
really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles
the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a
glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a
deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed,
climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then
he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second
encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position,
the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot
of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the
other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the
same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what
kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure
likes the effect!

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking
ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her
part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed
Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours
a small shot of the liquid.

She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it
just tastes like Coca-Cola.

Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the
bed, only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the
Australian relay team.

04-17-2007, 10:00 PM
Bless her Newfie Heart

Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends first grade.

After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian girl
could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
Our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the *#%^er."

04-20-2007, 11:58 PM
The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married
son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She
was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, "
the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.€

"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress " she
explained "When he sees it, he instantly becomes

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she
undressed, showered and put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively. "What are you
doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held Thursday

04-24-2007, 08:49 PM
> A young farm lad from New Prague goes off to college, but about 1/3 of >the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the >money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.
> "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education >is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State >that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
> That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in >that program?"
> Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into >the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
> About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls >his father again.
> So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
> Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't >believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've >implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
> "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him >in
> that program?"
> Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the >money.
> The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will >find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. >When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
> Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read >something!"
> Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just >before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back >in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
> Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing >around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
> The father says, "I hope you SHOT that s.o.b. before he talks to your >Mother!"
> I sure did, Dad!"
> That's my boy!"
> The kid went on to be a lawyer...

Arkansas Bronco
04-25-2007, 12:01 PM
>> > Little Johnny's at it again.....
> >
> >
> > A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
> >
> > She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
> > stand
> > up!"
> >
> > After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
> >
> > The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
> >
> > "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
> >
> >
> >
> > * * * * * * * *
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
>cream on
> > her
> > face.
> >
> > "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
> >
> > "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
>removing the
> > cream with a tissue.
> >
> > "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Givin g up?"
> >
> >
> >
> > * * * * * * * *
> >
> >
> >
> > The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
>in class.
> >
> > She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and
> >
> > Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon
> >
> >
> >
> > * * * * * * * *
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
> > police
> > station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of
>the 10 most
> > wanted criminals.
> >
> > One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
>really was the
> > photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.
> >
> > "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
> >
> > Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
> >
> >
> >
> > * * * * * * * *
> >
> >
> > Little J ohnny attended a horse auction with his father.
> >
> > He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
>hands up
> > and
> > down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
> >
> > After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
> >
> > His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to
>make sure
> > that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
> >
> > Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants
>to buy
> > Mom."

Arkansas Bronco
04-26-2007, 05:02 PM
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you "tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a "great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Billy Clyde Puckett
04-27-2007, 03:40 PM
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

Billy Clyde Puckett
04-27-2007, 04:36 PM
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
Kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice Children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think They're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Billy Clyde Puckett
04-27-2007, 04:37 PM
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

05-02-2007, 04:21 PM
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky; not really good for anything; but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents?

Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where THOUSANDS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS & TERRORISTS are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

Arkansas Bronco
05-04-2007, 05:10 PM
Never question a drunk

Why you should never question a drunk!
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

05-04-2007, 05:18 PM
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?!
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A! . About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what ! is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

05-10-2007, 02:19 PM
met an older woman at a bar last night.
> She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bull****ted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
> I said no.
> We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
> I went back to her place.
> She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
> "Mom you still awake?"

05-10-2007, 02:20 PM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness".

"The bad news is... Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead".

Edna laughed and replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

05-10-2007, 02:21 PM

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes..

Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted...

05-13-2007, 09:35 PM
Delta Ebonics...


05-14-2007, 04:15 PM

05-14-2007, 04:37 PM

05-17-2007, 03:31 PM
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients?
I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, " What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station--may I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"

"Yes, Yes I am.."

"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be
taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this
improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302... and NOBODY ever tells me chit*

05-18-2007, 12:26 AM

05-18-2007, 05:43 PM

05-19-2007, 07:12 PM
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States,
he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got

bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and

almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opin ion."

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docta,

always want to opelate. Make more money that way.

No need to opelate!"

"Thank God!" the man replies.

" Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.

Faw off by itself!"

05-19-2007, 09:51 PM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and warms when it is compressed), or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


05-20-2007, 12:18 PM
Stripper get applause, call girl just get clap
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have ****ty time.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Stand on toilet, get high on pot.
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Cow with no legs, ground beef.
If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

05-21-2007, 09:05 PM
REB, I appreciate you keeping the joke thread going. Always pop in here from time to time for a good laugh.

05-21-2007, 09:08 PM
np man. Whenever I come across one that I like I try to put it out here :thumbsup:

05-23-2007, 08:14 PM
Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

05-23-2007, 08:19 PM
A Priest asks a man in his congregation, "Luigi,
how were you able to stay married to the same
woman for 50 years?"

Luigi replies "Well, I've tried to treat-a her well,
spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best is-a dat
I took her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you
are an amazing inspiration to all husbands! Please
tell me what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back to
Italy and get her."

05-24-2007, 01:38 PM
>>>A: It's Braille for "suck here".
>>>A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
>>>A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
>>>A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
>>>take your house and car with them.
>>>A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

05-27-2007, 01:04 PM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room-the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of

Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

05-27-2007, 01:05 PM
An oldie but a goodie...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

05-30-2007, 11:39 AM
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our arses just for sucking our thumbs."

05-30-2007, 12:10 PM
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our arses just for sucking our thumbs."

Hahahahaha. Thanks a lot ... now I gotta get a paper towel to clean up the water I spit out while laughing. Hilarious!

05-30-2007, 01:12 PM
Hahahahaha. Thanks a lot ... now I gotta get a paper towel to clean up the water I spit out while laughing. Hilarious!

:spit: :thumbsup:

05-31-2007, 12:16 PM
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"