SomethingAwful's NFL preview

[scorpio]

This is from a comedy site I frequent called somethingawful. It's kinda funny and eerily true.


2005 NFL Preview - Part 1

2005: Will this be the year Tom Brady and Bill Belichick finally sleep together?
With the NFL pre-season underway, it's time to predict which team will throw the old pigskin all the way into the Super Bowl. As usual, you can't count on sites like ESPN or Sports Illustrated to provide accurate predictions, so Something Awful is here to break down exactly how the 2005 National Football League season will go down.

AFC East

New England Patriots - Despite linebackers having strokes all over the place and Bill Belichick calling offensive plays he's stolen mostly from NES Tecmo Bowl, the Patriots manage to win the AFC East. After backup QB Doug Flutie throws an incomplete pass during practice before week 6, starting QB Tom Brady remarks, "nice pass, Doug... but it fell a little bit short you f**kin wicked midget shrimp!" Flutie then proceeds to throw a bowl of hot clam chowder in Brady's face and punch him in the gut.

New York Jets - Chad Pennington hands the ball to Curtis Martin and then on ESPN NFL Countdown Chris Berman uses that same Curtis "My Favorite" Martin joke he's been using for over a decade now. IT'S STILL HILARIOUS, CHRIS!

Buffalo Bills - Drafting quarterbacks from California has worked out great for the Bills! Last time they ended up with Rob Johnson, an excellent holder. And by "holder" I don't mean, "guy who holds the ball for the placekicker," I mean, "guy who drops back, never throws the ball, and gets sacked 14 times a game." New QB J.P. Losman will suck slightly less than Johnson, but backup QB Kelly Holcomb will be starting by week 6. And I'll still be pissed that Norwood blew my only chance of seeing the Bills win a Super Bowl in my lifetime.

Miami Dolphins - By week 5, new head coach Nick Saban will have already dipped into Ricky Williams' pot stash four times. QB A.J. Feeley totally screws up a key play in the first game because he keeps daydreaming in the huddle about how "A.J. Feeley" is a pretty good porn star name. The Dolphins barely manage to win four games.

AFC North
HI I'M CHAD JOHNSON LOOK AT ME I'M CHAD JOHNSON LOOK AT ME HEY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!!!

Cincinnati Bengals - After sucking for like 15 years, the Bengals finally manage to win the division and make the playoffs. Carson Palmer -- who has the second-most rich whiteboy name in the league after Chad Pennington -- has a monster year. Wide Receiving attention whore Chad Johnson says something controversial involving having sex with Oprah Winfrey by mid-season and Marvin Lewis will refer to a rude bellboy at a Tennessean hotel as "a real douche bag."

Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Roethlisberger struggles, prompting Chris Berman to say things like, "it looks like the Roethlisberger isn't cutting the mustard!" Former XFL QB Tommy Maddox will clothesline WR Hines Ward, then bodyslam him into a folding table before week 2's game against Houston, putting Ward on the DL for the rest of the season. Bill Cowher will lose a lot of key games, but he won't lose that creepy mustache.

Baltimore Ravens - Deion Sanders gets injured, Ed Reed intercepts a few balls, Ray Lewis struts around like a retard, Kyle Boller puts up a sub-70 QB rating, and the Ravens once vaunted defense continues to decline. Head coach Brian Billick is once again confused with Bill Belichick at the supermarket. Billick also spends ten minutes talking with first round draft pick WR Mark Clayton, trying to understand what exactly "skeet skeet" means. Clayton is too embarrassed to fess up, so he just tells the coach it means "having fun."

Cleveland Browns - Around Cleveland, I imagine there's a joke that goes something like, "why are the Cleveland Browns called the Browns? BECAUSE THEY'RE ****!" And it's true. For some reason, the Browns decided to sign Trent Dilfer to a four-year deal to be their starting quarterback this season. I guess Cleveland loves signing balding quarterbacks because last year they had Jeff Garcia. New head coach Romeo Crennel vomits into a plastic trashcan after eating some bad White Castle in Minnesota and that's pretty much the highlight of his year.

[-Slap-]

Did I stutter?

[scorpio]

Sorry, my computer is acting funny. I'll post the rest in a second.

[scorpio]

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts - Peyton Manning throws a lot of touchdowns and the Colts easily win the division. During the week 8 bye, Kicker Mike Vanderjagt is quoted as saying that New England's Tom Brady is a "huge fairy" and openly speculates that Brady is "jamming it it into [Running back] Corey Dillon's backfield, like, all the time."

Jacksonville Jaguars, Houston Texans, Tennessee Titans - There's really not too much to say about these teams because A) they're not very interesting and B) they're all missing the playoffs. The Texans manage to barely eek over .500, Steve McNair continues to disintegrate, and Jacksonville's first-round draft pick Matt Jones ends up being a completely useless 6'6" guy on the sidelines in street clothes clapping his hands.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers - Everybody knows head coach Marty Schottenheimer is going to totally muck things up at some point, but the question is when? Still, unless the defense totally sucks, the Chargers will be losing a game in the playoffs for sure. Antonio "Bill" Gates will catch less than 8 touchdowns. Don't watch ESPN's NFL Countdown the week the Chargers wear their alternate powder blue uniforms because every time they do, Chris Berman screams about how cool they look and loudly starts ejaculating all over his desk.

Oakland Raiders - If you're an a-hole or a scumbag, you're probably a Raiders fan. The Raiders pretty much consist of talented players that are too dumb, egotistical, emotionally unstable, or just plain too crazy for the rest of the league. So it's really no surprise that they signed Randy Moss. The Raiders will make the playoffs if the following things happen:

# Boring head coach Norm Turner can keep the brawls at practice to a minimum
# The starting defensive line doesn't get suspended for drug abuse
# Kerry Collins throws the ball in the general direction of the wide receivers
# Randy Moss doesn't attempt to weave his afro into a helmet

Kansas City Chiefs - For the past couple years, the Chiefs have been trying to fix their defense, acting as if their offense is some kind of flawless perfect machine. Unfortunately, they apparently neglected to notice Trent Green is their quarterback. Lowtax attends the week 9 loss to Oakland and whines like a little b**** over the quality of his beer. The Chiefs have another disappointing, inconsistent, generally crappy season and head coach Dick Vermeil gives a weepy retirement speech at the end of the year.

Denver Broncos - If you found a blind man dying of syphilis and asked him to put together a fantasy team, the roster he would come up with would probably very closely resemble that of the 2005 Denver Broncos. This year, they imported four defensive linemen from the Browns. The BROWNS. They brought in 42-year-old WR Jerry Rice because he refuses to retire with dignity; kind of like baseball's Ricky Henderson, except Rice is less of a jerk. They inexplicably drafted Maurice Clarett, maybe because they decided they needed some more crybaby drama in the locker room? Who knows. Anyways, QB Jake Plummer will make like a plumber and lead the team down the drain, into the septic system that is last place.

That's all for the AFC. Look for the NFC preview in two weeks, right here on Something Awful: your #1 source for sports commentary written by huge nerds!

[scorpio]

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles - "TERRELL OWENS IS A SELF-CENTERED PRIMA DONNA ASSHOLE HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS??" Wow, what a shocker! Nobody could have possibly seen this coming! Please, tell me more about him! Did T.O. exercise in his driveway today?!? Are he and Donovan McNabb still going to the movies together this weekend?!?!? Ugh. Regardless of all this drama, the Eagles are still going to the playoffs this year, with or without Mr. Owens. I think they'll go back to not-winning the NFC Championship this year, though. And here's a some T.O./McNabb fan fiction I wrote last year.

New York Giants - After week 7's game, QB Eli Manning picks up a woman at a trendy NYC bar. Things go sour once they get back to the hotel room, however, as the couple get into an argument over Eli's ability to read defenses. Eli gets upset and says, "I'll read your coverage hard all night long, bitch!" After an awkward silence, Eli sheepishly leaves. A couple of days later before practice, Eli falsely brags to backup QB Tim Hasselbeck about how he "totally nailed" the aforementioned woman, then steps forward and immediately throws an interception.

Washington Redskins - Joe Gibbs came back for THIS? On the plus side, at least the Redskins have been consistent: they haven't had a winning season since 1999. Also, at some point they're going to have to change the team name to something less racist. I suggest "The Washington Wetbacks."

Dallas Cowboys - Drew Bledsoe sucks, the new defense won't work, and Bill Parcells will get sick of losing. After this season, Parcells is going to retire for like the 15th time. Although it'd be funnier if he got fired because you'd see a whole lot of "TUNA GETS CANNED" headlines.

NFC North
Two words you will never see in the same sentence: "Tice" and "Genius."

Minnesota Vikings - Yeah, it was pretty funny when Vikings head coach Mike Tice got busted for scalping Super Bowl tickets this offseason. Surprise! He's an idiot! But not even Tice's horrible coaching can keep the Vikings from making the playoffs, they're easily the best team in the division, their schedule is soft, and Randy Moss's departure should keep the drama to a minimum. Wait, that's not true, there was that whole incident with Onterrio Smith and his "Original Whizzinator" back in June. Oh you crazy NFL running backs, you sure do love that cannabis!

Detroit Lions - Do you know why Detroit always plays on Thanksgiving Day? So people can be thankful they aren't playing for the Lions! Zing! Anyways, the Lions shouldn't suck as bad this year, but don't expect QB Joey Harrington to be 2005's Drew Brees.

Green Bay Packers - At this point in his career, QB Brett Favre is pretty much like, "I'm 35, I'm going to the Hall of Fame, and I've already won a Super Bowl... so I'm going to do pretty much whatever I want." That means you Packers fans can expect plenty of desperate heaves lobbed into double coverage, 20+ yard shovel pass attempts, and other wacky stuff. Even if the offense does get its act together and Farve manages to throw less than 15 interceptions, it probably won't matter because if their defense was a cheese, it'd be swiss. Because its porous, you see. Ahem.

Chicago Bears - The Bears need better writers because they used this same old "Rex Grossman gets injured and the team is forced to play quarterbacks even NFL Europe doesn't want" storyline last season. It's getting old. Get out your scarfs, Bears fans, because the basement of the NFC North gets pretty cold in the winter.

NFC South
"My name is Mexico. Ron Mexico. And I'm all out of condoms."

Atlanta Falcons - The Falcons have been around nearly 40 years, but they've never had back-to-back winning seasons. I'm going to try to write about Atlanta without mentioning that QB Michael Vick has herpes and used the hilarious alias "Ron Mexico" while receiving treatment for it. I'm certainly not going to suggest that Vick's passing completion percentage will surpass his STD passing completion percentage this year. I'm far too sophisticated to make those kind of cheap jokes, so I'm not even going to mention it.

Carolina Panthers - It's impossible to hate the Panthers because they have the XFL's infamous Rod "He Hate Me" Smart on the roster. Carolina is a good team, but last year it seemed like they went through a dozen different running backs due to injuries and even one of their assistant coaches died. What, is the team trainer named "Kevorkian" or something?

New Orleans Saints - The Saints are like that unreliable friend of yours who just can't seem to get their act together. They're nice enough, but for some reason they have trouble accomplishing even the most basic of tasks: they're always late, they can't seem to hold down a job, and they're constantly broke. New Orleans should be a playoff team, but they always end up inexplicably losing to lesser opponents and playing so inconsistently that only the mentally handicapped should attempt to handicap them. About the only certainty for the Saints this year is that QB Aaron Brooks will randomly fumble a couple of times for absolutely no good reason at all.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Hey, what's an unfair price to pay for corn? A Buccaneer! AHAHA HAHA HAAH HAHA... HA... yeah so, what I'm trying to say is that Tampa Bay is a joke. A really bad joke.

NFC West

Not many people know that "NFC West" is actually an abbreviation. The full name of this division is, "No ****ing Chance. Worthless, Especially ****ty Teams." If the USFL were still around, even the New Jersey Generals could beat the crap out of all the teams below.
Even by female standards, Kurt Warner's wife Brenda is CRAZY.

Arizona Cardinals - Picking a winner in the NFC West is basically a matter of figuring out which team has the best chance of maybe winning half their games. So why not the Cardinals? They have some good receivers and this year their main running back wasn't born in the 60's. Look for QB Kurt Warner's insane wife to go on some sports radio show and demand that she be allowed to take over the Cardinals' offensive play-calling about midway through the season.

St. Louis Rams - The Rams were good 4-6 years ago but then the Colts stole their whole, "dome team who puts up insane offensive numbers but sucks on defense" gimmick and now they're not so good. Thankfully they're in the NFC, where "mediocre" equals "playoffs!" One of the Rams backup QB's is named Jeff Smoker and I really hope he doesn't start any games because Chris Berman's nickname for him is very inappropriate.

Seattle Seahawks - This team was so bad last year that most of the players started drowning their sorrows in drugs and alcohol, leading to the eventual DUI arrest of WR Koren Robinson. But since this division is terrible, the Seahawks could still sneak into the playoffs like they did last year if Shaun Alexander rushes for like 2000 yards, Marcus Trufant racks up 10 interceptions, and most of the players manage to stay sober.

San Francisco 49ers - Good news for QB Alex Smith: your agent got you a $49.5 million, six-year contract with $24 million in guaranteed money. Bad news: you have to play for the 49ers. If this were the 1920's, I'd make a joke like, "the lads about the juice joint say Alex Smith is going to be sacked more than a brown bag lunch! And how!" And then everyone in the 1920's would look at me funny because the 49ers didn't exist yet.

Playoffs
Chances of the Cowboys making the playoffs: 80 to 1. Chances of Bill Parcells having a heart attack by the end of the season: 4 to 1.

AFC Teams
Cincinnati Bengals
Indianapolis Colts
New England Patriots
New York Jets
Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers

NFC Teams
Arizona Cardinals
Atlanta Falcons
Carolina Panthers
Minnesota Vikings
St. Louis Rams
Philadelphia Eagles

AFC Championship: Jets lose to Colts
NFC Championship: Falcons beat Eagles
Super Bowl: Colts 27, Falcons 20

So there are the 100% accurate, guaranteed results for the 2005 NFL season. Feel free to bet your life savings on my picks because people on the Internet are always right!

[wabbit]

I guess we all know now what the NFL season looks like to someone seriously intoxicated unknowing that they have a vibrator stuck up their ass in the 'deep rub' switch position

[Rulon Velvet Jones]

I heart Lowtax.

[scorpio]

I guess we all know now what the NFL season looks like to someone seriously intoxicated unknowing that they have a vibrator stuck up their ass in the 'deep rub' switch position


Oh come on, don't you think it's at least a little funny? :clown:

btw, how do you know what settings a vibrator has?

(just saying...)

[Rock Chalk]

I only read the AFC West stuff because thats all I care about but I didnt even find the rival team stuff even remotely funny.

[Pat Bowlen]

I had no idea other people from this site went there at all.

[baja]

I had no idea other people from this site went there at all.

This proves the site is NOT funny.

canadian humor dictates that there must be a fart reference before anything is considered funny

[broncogary]

This proves the site is NOT funny.

canadian humor dictates that there must be a fart reference before anything is considered funny

Judgin by your avatar, you'd know, if anyone would. :notworthy

[Atlas]

This proves the site is NOT funny.

canadian humor dictates that there must be a fart reference before anything is considered funny

Burping and crushing beer cans over your noggin is also considered funny by most Canadians.

[broncogary]

Burping and crushing beer cans over your noggin is also considered funny by most Canadians.

Eh? ^5

[Pat Bowlen]

It's an amusing, occasionally very funny site. The only thing I go there regularly for is the Photoshop Phriday updates.