Bob's your Information Minister
05-24-2005, 05:42 PM
Darth Vader Interview
I've been flirting with the Dark Lord of the Sith for the past week or so, and he kindly agreed to be interviewed on my site. Be sure to check out his, too.
AA: Age?
DV: Forty-eight Coruscant Standard Years. Forty-nine come winter.
AA: Astrological sign?
DV: Twins of Illium, I believe. Astrological signs do not feature
prominently in the Sith philosophy. I might be under the Lucas Star. Maybe I'm cusp. When does winter come on your planet?
AA: Are you currently residing on a Death Star or on a planet?
DV: I live and work aboard the Super-StarDestroyer 'Executor'. I have a suite, but I spend most of my time in my robot-encrusted hyperbaric chamber. That's my "me" space.
AA: Any plans to do an episode of "Cribs"?
DV: I'm sorry, but I have no idea what that is.
AA: Boxers or briefs?
DV: I do not wear underwear. I enjoy the feel of the leather.
AA: (swoons)
AA: Favorite book?
DV: To be candid, I am less a book-reading person so much as a book-burning person. In this respect, I prefer light, hardbound editions made from natural fibers rather than plastics or hologenerated material. The smoke is much cleaner.
AA: Turn ons?
DV: I have always gone for the princess on the outside, warrior on the inside. It harkens back to feelings for my mother, who had the strength to maintain grace and dignity, even in the face of great suffering. I think it is the sense of dichotomy that attracts me; that a woman can have faces both apparent and secret; that she, like me, is not entirely fathomable from the surface.
AA: Turn offs?
DV: Hesitation. Self-effacement. Doubt. Mercy.
AA: Describe your most embarrassing moment.
DV: It may sound trite to you, but the single most embarassing moment of my life was when I bickered with the Senator of Naboo over how best to protect her, and she called me on it right in front of the Queen. I just wanted to die. And then there was that time when Yoda pulled down my pants at the Jedi Jamboree.
AA: What are your hobbies? Antiquing? Yoga?
DV: I meditate. I listen to music. I cull the chaff from the wheat among the Imperial citizenry, and kill them.
AA: What do you like best about being a despot?
DV: Power is its own reward. Why search for more? Be happy; that's how I look at it. I rule the galaxy with my master, who is genuinely easy to work with day in and day out.
AA: What do you like the least?
DV: The hours. I have not had a vacation since, oh, before you were born.
AA: If you couldn't be an intergalactic bully, what would you be?
DV: Podracer. Or possibly a composer. I do not play any instruments, but if I could devote some serious time to it........who knows? It would also be cool to design robots professionally. I see some really sub-par robots out there.
AA: Your wang has attracted a good deal of attention lately. You have led us to believe it was burned to a crisp long ago, yet you recently rented "Shave My Wookie Thang" on Death Star Pay-Per-View. What's the real story?
DV: The truth of the matter is that nine tenths of my pelvis is cybernetic, with very little organic material connecting to my thigh-stumps. I don't mean to be grisly, but there it is. I do have access to certain....attachments, however.
AA: (swoons again)
AA: Do you find it unsettling that so many women dream of moaning the words "Darth Vader, only you could be so bold"?
DV: It can be lonely at the top. And that's all I have to say about that.
AA: What are your future plans for the Empire?
DV: Once this destructive conflict with the rebels has been smoothes over, I think we're in for a period of extended stability and prosperous growth. I understand the various governors met recently at Coruscant to discuss, as the media put it, "jobs, jobs, and jobs". I know that this is a concern for many citizens, and their concerns lie close to the heart of His Excellency the Emperor.
AA: So much press has been focused on the negative aspects of your dictatorship: the foreign policy gaffes, the heavy taxes, the human rights violations. Would you like to take a moment to clear up any misconceptions?
DV: Every transition has its rough patches. Change is hard. What we're trying to do is clear out the pipes of a thousand years of decadence and spoil. It is not an easy job, and a lot of hard decisions have to be made. But let us look at the facts: taxes are down, trade routes open and regulated, and the local warlords are being subdued. That's progress. Sensible citizens understand that enduring a suspension of civil liberties is a sacrifice worth making in the name of securing an enduring peace.
AA: What are your feelings on stem cell research?
DV: I do not study primitive medicine.
AA: What are your feelings on gay marriage?
DV: I have been to worlds were they have six sexes. The New Order has no interest in what goes on in the bedrooms of its citizens, and as long as their marriage licenses are paid for with good Imperial Credits, I cannot see anyone complaining.
AA: What is the Empire doing to improve access to affordable health care?
DV: We have smashed asunder the old medical guilds, and replaced them with a system of advanced, efficient and gentle 'droids. Problem solved. Unemployment among physicians is a bit of an issue, but I am confident my master will find something useful for them to do. Perhaps museum work.
AA: Or you could kill them.
DV: That, too.
AA: Why a light saber? Why not a blaster?
DV: A light saber is self-recharging, defensive as well as offensive, and a tool as well as a weapon. Also, it makes a really cool noise when you swish it around.
AA: There have been rumors that you have a talk show/reality show in the works. Care to comment?
DV: Scurrilous lies.
AA: Any words of advice for someone starting out in the field of being an evil dictator?
DV: Yes. Please come down to my office and we shall have a little chat. Come alone.
I've been flirting with the Dark Lord of the Sith for the past week or so, and he kindly agreed to be interviewed on my site. Be sure to check out his, too.
AA: Age?
DV: Forty-eight Coruscant Standard Years. Forty-nine come winter.
AA: Astrological sign?
DV: Twins of Illium, I believe. Astrological signs do not feature
prominently in the Sith philosophy. I might be under the Lucas Star. Maybe I'm cusp. When does winter come on your planet?
AA: Are you currently residing on a Death Star or on a planet?
DV: I live and work aboard the Super-StarDestroyer 'Executor'. I have a suite, but I spend most of my time in my robot-encrusted hyperbaric chamber. That's my "me" space.
AA: Any plans to do an episode of "Cribs"?
DV: I'm sorry, but I have no idea what that is.
AA: Boxers or briefs?
DV: I do not wear underwear. I enjoy the feel of the leather.
AA: (swoons)
AA: Favorite book?
DV: To be candid, I am less a book-reading person so much as a book-burning person. In this respect, I prefer light, hardbound editions made from natural fibers rather than plastics or hologenerated material. The smoke is much cleaner.
AA: Turn ons?
DV: I have always gone for the princess on the outside, warrior on the inside. It harkens back to feelings for my mother, who had the strength to maintain grace and dignity, even in the face of great suffering. I think it is the sense of dichotomy that attracts me; that a woman can have faces both apparent and secret; that she, like me, is not entirely fathomable from the surface.
AA: Turn offs?
DV: Hesitation. Self-effacement. Doubt. Mercy.
AA: Describe your most embarrassing moment.
DV: It may sound trite to you, but the single most embarassing moment of my life was when I bickered with the Senator of Naboo over how best to protect her, and she called me on it right in front of the Queen. I just wanted to die. And then there was that time when Yoda pulled down my pants at the Jedi Jamboree.
AA: What are your hobbies? Antiquing? Yoga?
DV: I meditate. I listen to music. I cull the chaff from the wheat among the Imperial citizenry, and kill them.
AA: What do you like best about being a despot?
DV: Power is its own reward. Why search for more? Be happy; that's how I look at it. I rule the galaxy with my master, who is genuinely easy to work with day in and day out.
AA: What do you like the least?
DV: The hours. I have not had a vacation since, oh, before you were born.
AA: If you couldn't be an intergalactic bully, what would you be?
DV: Podracer. Or possibly a composer. I do not play any instruments, but if I could devote some serious time to it........who knows? It would also be cool to design robots professionally. I see some really sub-par robots out there.
AA: Your wang has attracted a good deal of attention lately. You have led us to believe it was burned to a crisp long ago, yet you recently rented "Shave My Wookie Thang" on Death Star Pay-Per-View. What's the real story?
DV: The truth of the matter is that nine tenths of my pelvis is cybernetic, with very little organic material connecting to my thigh-stumps. I don't mean to be grisly, but there it is. I do have access to certain....attachments, however.
AA: (swoons again)
AA: Do you find it unsettling that so many women dream of moaning the words "Darth Vader, only you could be so bold"?
DV: It can be lonely at the top. And that's all I have to say about that.
AA: What are your future plans for the Empire?
DV: Once this destructive conflict with the rebels has been smoothes over, I think we're in for a period of extended stability and prosperous growth. I understand the various governors met recently at Coruscant to discuss, as the media put it, "jobs, jobs, and jobs". I know that this is a concern for many citizens, and their concerns lie close to the heart of His Excellency the Emperor.
AA: So much press has been focused on the negative aspects of your dictatorship: the foreign policy gaffes, the heavy taxes, the human rights violations. Would you like to take a moment to clear up any misconceptions?
DV: Every transition has its rough patches. Change is hard. What we're trying to do is clear out the pipes of a thousand years of decadence and spoil. It is not an easy job, and a lot of hard decisions have to be made. But let us look at the facts: taxes are down, trade routes open and regulated, and the local warlords are being subdued. That's progress. Sensible citizens understand that enduring a suspension of civil liberties is a sacrifice worth making in the name of securing an enduring peace.
AA: What are your feelings on stem cell research?
DV: I do not study primitive medicine.
AA: What are your feelings on gay marriage?
DV: I have been to worlds were they have six sexes. The New Order has no interest in what goes on in the bedrooms of its citizens, and as long as their marriage licenses are paid for with good Imperial Credits, I cannot see anyone complaining.
AA: What is the Empire doing to improve access to affordable health care?
DV: We have smashed asunder the old medical guilds, and replaced them with a system of advanced, efficient and gentle 'droids. Problem solved. Unemployment among physicians is a bit of an issue, but I am confident my master will find something useful for them to do. Perhaps museum work.
AA: Or you could kill them.
DV: That, too.
AA: Why a light saber? Why not a blaster?
DV: A light saber is self-recharging, defensive as well as offensive, and a tool as well as a weapon. Also, it makes a really cool noise when you swish it around.
AA: There have been rumors that you have a talk show/reality show in the works. Care to comment?
DV: Scurrilous lies.
AA: Any words of advice for someone starting out in the field of being an evil dictator?
DV: Yes. Please come down to my office and we shall have a little chat. Come alone.