Bronx33
01-29-2005, 12:57 PM
Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer
wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300-lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had
given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly
on my tongue from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those
rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally;
she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to
wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****
to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really
hot
chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer
wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300-lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had
given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly
on my tongue from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those
rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally;
she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to
wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****
to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really
hot
chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)