01-10-2013, 11:43 PM
BALTIMORE—In preparation for the highly anticipated AFC playoff game with the Denver Broncos, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco announced Thursday that he is already working on an apology that will express heartfelt regret for the ignoble ending to retiring linebacker Ray Lewis’s career. “I’ve been plugging away on a couple of drafts this week, but I definitely want to focus on what a great teammate Ray has been and how bad I feel that he’s going out like this,” said Flacco, adding that Lewis “deserves better” than to force and recover a critical fourth-quarter Denver fumble only to watch helplessly from the sidelines as Flacco throws a pick-six interception on the following play, bringing the future Hall of Famer’s 17-year NFL career to a discouraging close. “Once I’ve got it all worked out, I’m thinking I’ll apologize before kickoff, because he definitely won’t want to hear from me after all those muffed snaps.” According to team sources, Flacco’s apology to Lewis is just one of many being contemplated by the quarterback, who is reportedly working on separate offerings of remorse to teammates, coaches, and Ravens ownership for Saturday’s loss, as well as to the city of Baltimore for the six-year contract extension he will receive this offseason.
01-11-2013, 09:23 AM
the funion strikes again!
01-11-2013, 12:11 PM
^That is pretty good but not as good as the overweight 6 year-old that vos to change his eating habits after his second heart attack!!
HOUSTON—Describing his second heart failure in the span of two years as “a real wake up call,” obese 6-year-old Nicholas Bleyer announced Tuesday that he was finally trying to turn his life around.
The 155-pound kindergartner, who previously underwent bypass surgery in 2011 after going into cardiac arrest on a local seesaw, was reportedly at home eating a post-breakfast snack when he began complaining of chest pain and had to be rushed to the hospital.
“After the second ‘big one,’ I figured my body was clearly sending me the message that I can’t go on living like this,” said Bleyer, pausing to catch his breath. “I’m serious this time. I’ve gotta start eating right, going to sleep at my bedtime, and getting some exercise instead of sitting on my ass all day watching Bubble Guppies marathons.”
“The old ticker’s taken enough abuse already,” continued the overweight kindergartner. “I’m not looking to test fate here.”
Admitting that he still suffered from some bad habits he picked up early in life, the 6-year-old vowed to reduce his caloric intake by cutting down on eating chicken fingers, hot dogs, and toaster pastries, as well as sticking to juice boxes instead of soda.
As per his pediatrician’s orders, Bleyer also said he planned to begin a cardio workout routine that makes sense for someone his age, alternating days between chasing insects, spinning around in circles, and doing some “light playground work.”
Yet despite his newfound resolve, Bleyer acknowledged that he should have been more aware of the warning signs in recent years.
“My friends and I have always been big guys, but when my old preschool buddy Ethan dropped dead of a heart attack a few years ago while stacking blocks, that should have set off alarm bells,” said Bleyer, who also had lost an obese classmate who never woke up from naptime. “At the time I remember promising myself I’d join a Gymboree, but of course I never did. And now look at me. I’ve got the arteries of someone 12 times my age.”
“Luckily, I’ve been given a second chance to work off this guy,” said the child, patting his gut.
While the 6-year-old acknowledged that he had “dodged a bullet this time,” Bleyer told reporters that he wished he still had the stamina to play tag with the youngsters like he used to without feeling like his chest was going to explode.
“I’m just grateful to get a new lease on life,” said the kindergartner. “If I eat right and stay active, who knows, maybe I could live to see double digits.”