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TheReverend
01-22-2012, 12:42 PM
What about an off-season joke thread?

Here are some of my favorites (*nothing really offensive, but if you're mega sensitive either get over yourself or don't read)(*several "anti-humor" jokes):




What's the hardest part of rollerblading?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

--------------------------------

I found a stethoscope and a prescription pad under our bed today.

His friend says, "Well my wife is apparently cheating with a railroad conductor"

First guy says "How do you know?"

"I found a ****in railroad conductor under the bed"

-----------------------------------

A jewish boy asks his father for $50.

"40 dollars?!?! What in the world do you need 30 dollars for?!"

----------------------------------

A black guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. A white guy sitting at the bar notices him and says "hey, did you know there is an updraft between this building and the one next to it? If you jump off it will carry you back up." the black guy is incredulous and asks the white guy to show him. They go to the roof and the white guy hops off the roof, falls for a second, and then amazingly floats back up to the roof. The black guy can't believe it so he hops off the roof, but falls to his death.
The white guy returns to his spot in the bar. A few minutes later another black guy walks in and the white guy again tells the story about the updraft. They go to the roof, the white guy jumps and floats back up and then the black guy jumps to his death.
The white guy returns to the bar and drinks his beer until a 3rd black guy shows up. Again the white guy tells his story and they go up to the roof. White guy jumps, floats back up, and then the black guy jumps to his death. When the white guy returns to the bar he orders a beer. As the bartender sets the mug down he says "geez Superman, you sure don't like black people".

-----------------------------------


A guy gets sent to prison for 5 years. As soon as he's locked in his cell a huge black guy gets off of the bunkbeds and says "You have a choice, you can either be the husband or the wife." The newly jailed guy thinks to himself: well I sure as **** ain't gonna be the wife and he tells the black guy "Ill be the husband."

Then the black guy says...


"Okay then, get over here and suck your wife's dick."

--------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and its destroying his family.


http://i52.tinypic.com/es41kz.jpg

colorado jones
01-22-2012, 12:46 PM
Why do women wear make up and use douches?

Because they are ugly and they smell bad.

oubronco
01-22-2012, 12:51 PM
Okjailbirds (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Okjailbirds/162870897089995)

Story from a Kansas State
Highway Patrol officer:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f#@king thing!"

oubronco
01-22-2012, 12:56 PM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“<O:P</O:P
<!--mstheme-->

oubronco
01-22-2012, 12:58 PM
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”<O:P>
</O:P>

sgbfan
01-22-2012, 12:59 PM
Wife: Honey, if I die, will you get re-married?
Husband: Yea, I'd probably get re-married.

Wife: Well, would she move in here?

Husband: Yeah, she'd probably move in here.

Wife: Well, would she sleep in my bed?

Husband: Yeah, I guess she would.

Wife: Well, would she use my golf clubs?

Husband: No, she's left handed.

houghtam
01-22-2012, 01:01 PM
Guy walks into a bar, slams down his wallet and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky!"

Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky, Mr. Lucky?"

Mr. Lucky says, "Did you hear about that pileup on the highway? 25 dead, one man walks away alive. That's me, Mr. Lucky."

No one hears from Mr. Lucky for a long time, but a month later, Mr. Lucky walks into the bar, slams down his wallet, and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky Lucky!"

Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky Lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky?"

Mr. Lucky Lucky says, "Did you hear about that train accident? 100 dead, one man walks away alive. That's me, Mr. Lucky Lucky."

No one hears from Mr. Lucky Lucky for a long time, but 6 months later, Mr. Lucky Lucky walks into the bar, slams down his wallet, and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky!"

Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky?"

Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky says, "Did you hear about the plane crash? 200 dead, one man walks away alive. That's me, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky."

No one hears from Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky for a long time, but a year later, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky finally walks in, slams down his wallet, and yells, "Bartender! Drinks all around! They call me Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky!"

Bartender says, "Why do they call you Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky?"

Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky says, "Well, I'm having sex with this woman, and I didn't realize it but her husband was under the bed with a double barrel shotgun. Blew my testicles right off."

Bartender looks at him and says, "Well...that doesn't sound to lucky, Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky."

Mr. Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky smiles and says, "Maybe not, but if he'd have done it 5 minutes earlier, he'd have hit me right between the eyes."

:thanku:

sgbfan
01-22-2012, 01:04 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/398518_10150554983933658_76062578657_8948866_77249 2722_n.jpg

RhymesayersDU
01-22-2012, 01:06 PM
Be careful folks, any "yo momma" jokes will be considered "family smack" and a ban will be placed by the "panties in a bunch" brigade.

errand
01-22-2012, 01:09 PM
a man's wife is in a coma.... one day during a weekly sponge bath one of the nurses notices that there is movement when they touch her private parts. they informed the doctor who suggested to the husband that perhaps if "you give your wife oral sex she might come out of the coma"

He says okay and they give him privacy....but after about 4 minutes she flatlines..... the doctor immediately rushes in and says "what happened?"

the husband says "I don't know.... maybe she choked"

errand
01-22-2012, 01:13 PM
once upon a time there was a handsome prince.... who met a beautiful maiden.... he asked her to marry him.... and she said "no".

handsome prince lived happily ever after...

errand
01-22-2012, 01:16 PM
If gays were allowed in the military during world war II, then the movie "saving private ryan" would not have been 3 hours long.....

because there's no way it would have took that long for a squad of gay men to find matt damon

Butterscotch Stallion
01-22-2012, 01:17 PM
a man's wife is in a coma.... one day during a weekly sponge bath one of the nurses notices that there is movement when they touch her private parts. they informed the doctor who suggested to the husband that perhaps if "you give your wife oral sex she might come out of the coma"

He says okay and they give him privacy....but after about 4 minutes she flatlines..... the doctor immediately rushes in and says "what happened?"

the husband says "I don't know.... maybe she choked"

lol. this made me laugh... of course, all your posts do.

but this was in a good way.

errand
01-22-2012, 01:21 PM
where does a bee put it's stinger at night?

...in his honey

errand
01-22-2012, 01:35 PM
It was the postman's last day before he retired, and a lot of people on his route were giving him gift cards and wishing him well....

One lady on his route asked him to come inside because she had made lunch for him in honor of his last day.... he eats the lunch and then she takes him into the bedroom and fulfilled every sexual desire he had.... she reaches into her purse on the nightstand and hands him a dollar bill.

suddenly the front door opens up and it's her husband saying "honey, I'm home".... the mailman dives under the bed but left his mail bag on top of the bed

that husband notices the mail bag and confront his naked wife...."who's up here with you?"

the wife says "the mail man....i told you it was his last day"

Husband says "So....?"

the wife says "well, you said f*** him...give him a dollar. Lunch was my idea"

Broncoman13
01-22-2012, 01:39 PM
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

oubronco
01-22-2012, 01:39 PM
A woman goes to the Dr with a bee in her butt...... The Dr says i'm gonna put honey on my penis and insert it into your butt and when I pull it out the bee will follow.......The woman agree's and the Dr inserts it and hears the woman moan so he starts going faster......the woman exclaims "What the hell are you doing?"......The Dr says "New plan i'm gonna drown it"

errand
01-22-2012, 01:46 PM
man comes home from work and his wife complains "honey the washer is making a funny noise"

husband replies " do I look like the maytag repairman to you?"

the next day he comes home his wife complains " honey my car is making some kind of weird noise"

husband replies what, "do I look like mister goodwrench to you?"

the next day he comes home, any notices no complaints..... and inquires why. His wife says the young man next door fixed everything. The hubby asks how much did it cost?

the wife replied that "he said I could either make him a cake or give him a blowjob...." her husband asked "what kind of cake did you bake him?"

the wife replied "do I look like betty crocker to you?"

oubronco
01-22-2012, 01:50 PM
man comes home from work and his wife complains "honey the washer is making a funny noise"

husband replies " do I look like the maytag repairman to you?"

the next day he comes home his wife complains " honey my car is making some kind of weird noise"

husband replies what, "do I look like mister goodwrench to you?"

the next day he comes home, any notices no complaints..... and inquires why. His wife says the young man next door fixed everything. The hubby asks how much did it cost?

the wife replied that "he said I could either make him a cake or give him a blowjob...." her husband asked "what kind of cake did you bake him?"

the wife replied "do I look like betty crocker to you?"

Ba Dum Tish

Dr. Broncenstein
01-22-2012, 02:04 PM
Guy walks into the kitchen carrying a duck.. his wife is sitting at the kitchen table.

Guy says "This is the pig I've been f--king."

Wife says "That's a duck, not a pig."

Guy says "I was talking to the duck."

Goobzilla
01-22-2012, 02:16 PM
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

colorado jones
01-22-2012, 02:17 PM
How do get a nun pregnant?


**** her!

eddie mac
01-22-2012, 02:30 PM
The 3 paddy's are working on a building site and it's lunchtime again.

Paddy the Englishman opens his sandwiches and says "not cheese again"

Paddy the Scotsman opens his sarnies and says " not bloody ham again"

Paddy the Irishman opens his sandwiches and says "not tuna again"

After a short discussion each of them agree that if they get the same sandwiches the following day they're all going to chuck themselves off the roof of the building site.

Sure the next day arrives and the horn blows for lunchbreak again.

Paddy the Englishman opens his lunchbox and it's cheese again. Says his goodbyes and takes a dive off the 10 storie building to his death.

Paddy the Scotsman opens his piece and once again it's ham. Says goodbye to paddy the Irishman and jumps off the building, stone dead.

Paddy the Irishman opens his sarnies and it's tuna once again. Throws the sandwiches to the ground and walks off the edge of the 10th floor to his death.

At the funerals the 3 sobbing wives discuss the deaths amongst themselves.

Paddy the Englishman's wife "I never knew Paddy didn't like cheese, it's such a shame"

Paddy the Scotsman's wife "I didn't know my Paddy didn't like ham, the kids and I will miss him so much"

Paddy the Irishman's wife looks bewildered through her tears and says "My Paddy made his own sandwiches"

eddie mac
01-22-2012, 02:33 PM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

oubronco
01-22-2012, 02:37 PM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

LOL

eddie mac
01-22-2012, 02:38 PM
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

eddie mac
01-22-2012, 02:39 PM
Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."

eddie mac
01-22-2012, 02:40 PM
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes....'"

eddie mac
01-22-2012, 02:49 PM
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.
Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

oubronco
01-22-2012, 02:51 PM
An Italian says, When i've a finished a makin love I go down and tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy

A Frenchman replies that is nothing, When i've finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstacy

A Redneck says, That ain't nuthin. When i'm finished porkin the ol lady, I git out a bed walk over to the window and wipe my weiner on the curtains, she hits the fuggin ceiling!

Bronco Bob
01-22-2012, 03:04 PM
The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language
development . Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun
Contest:

1 . A vulture boards an airplane, holding two dead raccoons . The
Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger . "

2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall . The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft . Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too .

4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet . One says, "I've lost my electron . " The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive . "

5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication .

6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse . But why?", they asked, as they moved off . "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer . "

7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal . " The other goes to a family
in Spain ; they name him "Juan . . " Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair . He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not . He went back and begged the friars to close . They
ignored him . So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close . Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop . Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars .

9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath . This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis . (You Ain't Nothing
but a Hound Dog--added by EdB)

10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh .

No pun in ten did .

houghtam
01-22-2012, 03:25 PM
The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language
development . Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun
Contest:

1 . A vulture boards an airplane, holding two dead raccoons . The
Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger . "

2 . Two fish swim into a concrete wall . The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

3 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft . Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too .

4 . Two hydrogen atoms meet . One says, "I've lost my electron . " The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive . "

5 . Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication .

6 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse . But why?", they asked, as they moved off . "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer . "

7 . A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal . " The other goes to a family
in Spain ; they name him "Juan . . " Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8 . A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds . Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair . He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not . He went back and begged the friars to close . They
ignored him . So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close . Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop . Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars .

9 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath . This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis . (You Ain't Nothing
but a Hound Dog--added by EdB)

10 . And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh .

No pun in ten did .

Hooray for puns!

errand
01-22-2012, 10:27 PM
A man gets pulled over by a trooper.....

Trooper: "sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Man: "no, why?"

Trooper: "well sir, you didn't stop at that stop sign....you slowed down, the went thru..."

Man: "slow down, stop....what's the ****ing difference?"

The trooper takes out his baton, and begins smacking the man on his head and asks "ok, you want me to slow down or stop?"

errand
01-22-2012, 10:37 PM
A trooper pulls over a car full of old ladies traveling very slowly on I-10. He asks them why they were driving so slowly on an interstate. The driver stated the speed limit sign said 10mph...

The trooper chuckled and said "ma'am, that's the route identity, Interstate 10....the speed limit is 65mph" He then noticed a strong urine odor coming from the car, and asks if everything was OK.

The driver stated "Oh, I'm sure it is...see we just got off US 146"

BlueCrusher
01-23-2012, 07:29 AM
What do you do if you are attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

errand
01-23-2012, 10:36 AM
Two bronco fans and their raider-fan buddy are walking to their favorite watering hole to watch the big game....

They take a shortcut thru a field and come across the nude body of a strangled woman. They immediately call 911and tell the operator about their discovery. While waiting one of them suggests that they cover her breasts and privates to give her some dignity. So the bronco fans put their bronco caps over a breast, and raider fan puts his raider cap over her privates.

Detectives investigate, and look under bronco caps...put them back...they look under raider cap, and seem confused....they scratch theirs heads and ask another cop for his opinion....he lifts the cap and concurs....

"yes it is odd....usually when you see a raider cap, there's always an asshole under it"

oubronco
01-23-2012, 12:22 PM
Where do watermelons and cantaloupes go for vacation?


To John Cougars melon camp

BroncoFanatic
01-23-2012, 12:39 PM
Into the bar walk an illegal alien, a black guy, a marxist, and a community organizer.

And the bartender asks "What can I get for you Mr President?"

oubronco
01-23-2012, 02:03 PM
Into the bar walk an illegal alien, a black guy, a marxist, and a community organizer.

And the bartender asks "What can I get for you Mr President?"

I'll take some of that avatar WOW!

BroncoFanatic
01-23-2012, 02:13 PM
I'll take some of that avatar WOW!

She is the hottest avy on the forum these days, I'm thinkin' :wiggle:

gunns
01-23-2012, 03:24 PM
You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.’

______
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.






_________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .


______

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.’
_______

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.’
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.’

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.’
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death'
__________

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

gunns
01-23-2012, 03:25 PM
Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , Louisiana .
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs." The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.

Kaylore
01-23-2012, 03:51 PM
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What's stucco?
What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
In Fort Launderdale.


What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What's a frog's favorite drink?
Croaka Cola.

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTUgPfNoaXGmjZ150nJFHE7KSNIK9Xgm JTjpjdlZ-Ugm8t9z10CZUVoKANK

Kaylore
01-23-2012, 03:53 PM
An addict was approached by the Devil. The Devil smiled and said "My friend, I have a proposition for you. I can give you all the drugs, women, alcohol and sex you want. More than you can handle, in fact. Eventually you will lose your, job, your home, your family and finally your health and very life."

The addict looked suspiciously at the Devil. "What's the catch?"

KO5K
01-23-2012, 03:57 PM
Not really a joke, but it's funny.

Original ad:
MULTI-DISC CD player wanted
WTB a CD changer that can hold at least 50 CDs. Must be in good condition. Email or call 215-***-****

From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hello,

I am selling my 60-Disc Technics SL-MC4 CD changer. This thing is in excellent condition and works great. I have included a picture of it. I'm asking $75 for it. Please let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Mike

Attachments:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/cd1.gif

From Steve ******* to Me:

Mike, the CD player looks good. Does it have a remote? If so, I can pick it up tomorrow. Where do you live?

Steve

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve,

It does have a remote. Tomorrow works for me, I work in Manayunk near the hospital and can bring the CD player to work with me. We can meet anywhere around there in the afternoon.

Just one minor thing though, and I truly am sorry about this, but I accidentally tripped over the CD player in the dark earlier and chipped the side of the plastic cover. There isn't a screen there and it does not affect the performance whatsoever, but I just thought I should let you know. I've included a picture of the small chip.

Mike

Attachments:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/cd2.gif

From Steve ******* to Me:

No worries... That is fine. What's your phone number? Mine is 215-***-****.

From Me to Steve *******:

Steve, I'm really sorry, but I accidentally damaged it a little more. I really should have moved it out of the middle of the hallway, because I just tripped over it again. Unfortunately I was wearing steel-tipped boots and cracked the plastic cover around the screen. A few of the buttons got mashed in as well. You can still play songs 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9, though. Or just use the remote. It still plays CDs fine, and I've included a picture of it powered on so you can see that it still works.

Once again, I am terribly sorry about this. I am going to knock $10 off of the price for your inconvenience.

Mike

Attachments:

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/cd3.gif

From Steve ******* to Me:

Could you drop the price down to $50? That looks pretty bad.

From Me to Steve *******:

Sure. It is my fault for tripping over it anyway.

From Me to Steve *******:

Hey, it's me again. I was loading the CD player into my trunk to bring to work tomorrow, but then my friend called me and I got distracted. Long story short, I forgot the CD player was behind my car and I accidentally backed over it a little bit when I went to go to Wawa. Thankfully I hit the brakes before I crushed anything important, but the back frame is a little bent.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/cd4.gif

I assure you that the CD player still works. On the bright side, the car must have popped that chipped plastic cover off of the front, so now you can clearly see the real screen. I think it looks better, don't you? From the front, staring at it head on, you can't even tell that the back is bashed in like that. Seeing as I improved the looks from the front, I am going to bump the price back up to $60.

I am going to try my best to bend the metal frame back to the way it was. Once again, I am very sorry about this.

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

Are you kidding me? That thing is ruined. What a freaking klutz you are! How didn't you realize it was behind your car?

From Steve ******* to Me:

Oh, and you have the nerve to charge me MORE money for breaking it worse?

From Me to Steve *******:

Don't worry, I can fix it. I'm working on fixing it right now.

From Me to Steve *******:

Okay, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, the CD player still works. The bad news is that I was smoking a cigar while I was trying to repair it, and it accidentally set part of the CD player on fire.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/images/cd5.gif

As you can see from the picture, some of the CD player has melted. Thanks to my 2 months experience as a volunteer firefighter, my instincts kicked in and I was able to extinguish the flames with my coffee before too much of the CD player melted. It still can hold about 33-35 CDs, and all that stuff that melted on the right side wasn't important anyway.

Unfortunately, I drink expensive coffee and it was nearly full when I had to use it to put out the fire. Therefore, I am adding another $3 to the price of the CD player to bring the grand total to $63.

Once again, the CD player still works. I think it sounds even better than before. It is now in my trunk and ready to be sold to you tomorrow. I'll give you a call when I have my lunch break so we can meet up for the sale.

Thanks,

Mike

From Steve ******* to Me:

You must be stupid if you think I'll pay $63 for the charred remains of your CD player. I can't believe how badly you managed to **** that thing up. How are you still alive? How have you managed to make it this far in life, when CLEARLY you are too foolish to keep even a CD player from being burned to a crisp? I really want to know! Please, Mike, tell me.

From Me to Steve *******:

I'm sorry if I upset you by bumping the price up to $63. Let's just call it $60. Deal?

From Steve ******* to Me:

...how are you this dumb?

errand
01-23-2012, 04:48 PM
A kid asks his dad what the difference was between hypothetically and theoretically speaking...the dad tells him to ask his mom and sister if they would have sex with the fat pizza face guy down the street if he gave them $1,000,000.

The kid comes back says both said "Yes.....for a million bucks, they would"

Dad says ok, here's the difference- "theoretically speaking, we're living with two prostitutes....hypothetically speaking, we could be millionaires"

errand
01-23-2012, 04:51 PM
Coincide - it's what you do when it's raining

Bacteria - back entrance to cafeteria

Caltitude - how high a cat's ass gets when you scratch it

errand
01-23-2012, 04:58 PM
Why is divorce so expensive? Cuz it's worth every penny.

I dropped 160lbs. of worthless weight in a single day....I got divorced

Why do men die before women? Cuz we want to.

If a man says something and there's no women around to hear him....is he still wrong?

How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? We have no idea....it's never happened before.

How many men does it take to sweep and mop a kitchen floor.....none, that's a woman's job.

errand
01-23-2012, 05:14 PM
the difference between men and women can be pinned down to just 2 words

negotiation and cooperation

you got 4 women having a night together playing cards and drinking beer.... when one notices that they are out of chip dip... all women will get up and either make more dip or go buy more dip...cooperation

you have 4 men in the same scenario.... when 1 sees that they are out of dip, 1 guy stands up and says "well it's my house".... another guy says "well I bought the beer"...... the third guy says "well I bought the chips and dip"..... Last guy realizes he has not contributed so he knows he has to go buy some more dip.... he had lost the negotiation.

and both of the scenarios are perfectly understood..... both women and men are okay with it

the problem is when you have mixed company... you have two married couples playing cards, drinking beer, eating chips and dip and they noticed there is no dip.... and one guy stands up and says "well it's my house..."

and the two women look at each other and say what an a-hole...

Rocket 7
01-23-2012, 06:18 PM
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Turd_Ferguson
01-23-2012, 07:57 PM
A pregnant lady started having some discomfort, and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. The doctor does a quick examination, and tells the lady he will return shortly. The doctor is gone for awhile and then comes back in.

"Well I have some good news and some bad news..." he says

"Oh no what's the bad news?" the lady asks

"After your examine I'm sorry to have to tell you that your baby is a Ginger.." He tells her

The woman's face twists in disgust "This can't be!" she cries "What the hell is the good news then?"

The doctors looks at her and says "It's Dead."

errand
01-23-2012, 11:09 PM
A man with a terrible headache that's lasted for few days goes to see his physician friend to find out what is wrong....

his friend runs the required tests and at the next appointment, tells his friend "i've got some good news and bad news...which do you wanna hear first"?

The man says he wants the bad news first. His friend tells him " you have a very inoperable tumor in your brain and you will die in excruciating death in about 2 weeks.... I can give you morphine but that will only dull the pain....i'm very sorry"

Stunned, he asks the doctor " well, what is the good news"?

the doctor opens the door to his office and inside is a hot blonde bending over putting files away and she has the nicest body in the world..."I'm banging her...."

Heyneck
01-24-2012, 12:46 AM
This aint a joke.. but it sure made me smile! Just make sure to turn de volume off! (The music sucks!!!)

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7LCjZehpdWM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Archer81
01-24-2012, 01:51 AM
NSFW

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/csHjx9dZbH4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

:Broncos:

Butterscotch Stallion
01-24-2012, 08:51 AM
A man goes to the doctor to get his test results. "Im afraid I have bad news" says the doctor. "You have cancer AND alziemers disease".

the man pauses for a second and says "At least I don't have cancer."

Butterscotch Stallion
01-24-2012, 08:55 AM
A man is at a bar when he throws up all over his shirt."Aw man, my wife is gonna kill me. I told her I quit drinking.". sitting next to him is another man who offers him some help. "Stick a ten dollar bill in your shirt, and tell your wife some guy got sick on you and gave you money to clean it.".

Later that night the man returns home and is immediatly greeted by his upset wife who sees the vomit and accuses him of drinking. "No honey, you got it wrong, a man threw up on me and gave me ten dollars to clean my shirt.". she looks at it and says "thats a 20 dollar bill."

"Oh yeah"the man says "he **** in my pants too.'

bronco militia
01-24-2012, 09:03 AM
A kid asks his dad what the difference was between hypothetically and theoretically speaking...the dad tells him to ask his mom and sister if they would have sex with the fat pizza face guy down the street if he gave them $1,000,000.

The kid comes back says both said "Yes.....for a million bucks, they would"

Dad says ok, here's the difference- "theoretically speaking, we're living with two prostitutes....hypothetically speaking, we could be millionaires"

ok, this is awesome Hilarious!

Boobs McGee
01-24-2012, 09:20 AM
Two young boys, Timmy (age 8) and Tommy(age 6), are tucked into bed one night by their mother. After a few minutes, Timmy says to his younger brother "ya know tommy, I think we're old enough now, that we can start swearing".

"WHAT!?!?!" tommy exclaims
"ya" timmy says "I think tomorrow morning at breakfast I'm gonna say a cuss word in front of Dad".
"what're you gonna say?" tommy asks
"hmmmm...well, I think I'm gonna say HELL!"
"OH MY GOSH!!!! You're gonna say HELL in front of dad tomorrow??? I can't even believe it! You have to pinky swear!"

So timmy reaches up to the top bunk, and they pinky swear. NOW, Tommy is laying in his bed, tingling with excitement.

"You know what Timmy, you're right. I'M gonna cuss in front of Dad tomorrow at breakfast too!!!"
"what??? What're YOU going to say?"
"hmmm....I'm gonna say Ass!"
"YOU'RE GONNA SAY ASS IN FRONT OF DAD TOMORROW AT BREAKFAST!!!???!?! Ok, we gotta pinky swear!"
So, Tommy reaches down from his top bunk, and the two young boys pinky swear.

Each of them is wired with excitement, and after a few minutes fade off to sleep with visions of the morning.

They're awoken around 7 am, with their mother calling upstairs to them "Boys, get up, it's time for breakfast!!!"

With grins on their faces, they quickly hop out of bed and head down to the dining room.

Upon sitting down at the table, their father greets them with a tussle of the hair.

" Good morning boys! Timmy, what would you like for breakfast?"

Timmy, quickly glances over at Tommy, and says "Eh, what the hell, give me some Cheerios".

WHAMMY! The dad reaches across the table and backhands timmy right in the mouth, sending him crashing out of his chair. Tommy, wide eyed and mouth open, has watched the whole situation unfold. Timmy, head spinning, is staring at him from the ground, with his pinky up in the air as if to say "you swore!".

Now, the dad, breathing heavily and slightly red, turns to his younger son.

"Well Tommy, what would YOU like for breakfast?".

Tommy sits for a moment, and after a big gulp, says, "well dad, you can BET YOUR ASS it ain't gonna be cheerios!"

errand
01-24-2012, 12:47 PM
None of the next are mine....

I don't have a girlfriend...i just know a woman that would be really pissed if she heard me say that.

I went to wal-mart to buy a candle holder, they didn't have any....so i bought a cake.

an escalator can never be broken...it can only become stairs....you will never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign...you will only see "escalator temporarilty stairs sign...sorry for the convenience"

I was standing in a club when the bouncer came over and said "You need to move...you're blocking the fire exit" as if i would still be standing there if there was a fire. If you are flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.

I sometimes rent cars and have a hard time figuring out where things are in them...like the emergency brake...sometimes I drive and forget it's engaged....now that doesn't say alot for me, but it says even less about the emergency brake...it should be called the "emergency make the car smell funny" lever.

I love baked potatoes, but they're hard to cook in a regular oven, it takes too long...sometimes i just throw one in cuz a few hours later, who knows?

I also love cinnamon buns...but don't always have time to make them....sometimes I'd love to have some cinnamon bun incense, and have my room mates wake up with false hopes

Aw c'mon man...they're crackers...I did not buy them cuz they're edible plates (commenting on the recipes for Ritz crackers)

RIP Mitch Hedberg

errand
01-24-2012, 12:51 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gx6508sRtzc

BroncoFanatic
01-24-2012, 12:51 PM
I’ve been a target and this is not funny…

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: As you come out of Home Depot, two seriously good-looking 22-23 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead they ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Thursday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

Miss I.
01-24-2012, 02:25 PM
not exactly jokes, but made me laugh...

http://likeandshare.blogspot.com/2011/12/15-funniest-autocorrects-from-november.html

Beantown Bronco
01-24-2012, 02:48 PM
If you are flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.


My dining room table disagrees. :)

myMind
01-24-2012, 03:50 PM
My dining room table disagrees. :)

boom

ColoradoDarin
01-24-2012, 04:35 PM
boom

goes the dynamite.

errand
01-24-2012, 04:58 PM
My dining room table disagrees. :)

Forgot the inanimate object disclaimer....sorry :)

errand
01-25-2012, 05:50 PM
the top 3 candidates for the CIA's one open position were mustered together...they were told that this last test was to see if they would trust the CIA completely.

Each was told to walk into the room in front of them, go the desk, pull the gun out of the drawer and shoot their wife with it.

The first guy says he loved his wife to much to even think of doing that, so he declined and was dismissed.

The 2nd guy said that his wife was pregnant, and he too loved her too much to risk losing his wife and child, declined the chance and was dismissed.

The last guy went into the room, and the CIA director heard 15 gunshots, and then what sounded like a big brawl with furniture breaking and screaming.

When the candidate emerged from the room, the director asked "what happened?"

the guy responded "Well, some dumbass put blanks in the gun, so I had to beat her to death with that leg i broke off the desk"

MagicHef
01-25-2012, 10:19 PM
My dining room table disagrees. :)

I like the idea of someone setting up their dining room table in a club, specifically in front of the fire exit.

SleepingTiger
01-26-2012, 08:31 AM
Jim goes to a doctor concerning his chronic exhaustion. Doctor tells him that it was easy, all Jim had to do was take 2 pills a day for a week through his rectum. Jim was unsure about this and the doctor offered some help. Doctor told Jim to bend over and swiftly inserted the pill in his rectum.

Later in the day, Jim ask his wife to help him insert the pill in his rectum. Jim proceeds to bend over and his wife inserts the pill. Jim yells out "DAMN". His wife asked him if she did anything wrong or if it hurts. Jim responds "No, i just realized you did it differently from the doctor. When the doctor did it, he had both his hands on my shoulder"

v2micca
01-26-2012, 08:59 AM
A young man finally realized his lifelong dream of purchasing a Harley Davidson Motorcycle. While explaining basic maintenance, the sales associate handed him a container of Vaseline, advising him that if he ever was caught out in the rain to quickly apply the Vaseline to the chrome parts to protect them from rusting.

The next week, they young man took his girlfriend to visit her parents for dinner. She had explained that her family had a strange tradition stipulating that whoever spoke first after meals was required to do the dishes. A pleasant enough dinner followed, but immediately after the meal, everyone simply sat at the table staring at each other.

Uncertain of how to handle the awkward silence, the young man begin to kiss his girlfriend. When that received no response, he begin to make out with her before throwing her on the table and making passionate love to her. Emboldened by the lack of reaction, he then threw the mother on the table and made passionate love to her.

At that moment he heard the sound of an approaching storm and, remembering the Salesman's advice, pulled the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.

The father stood and shouted, "All right goddammit, I'll do the dishes!"

strafen
01-26-2012, 12:35 PM
The Arabs are not happy!

They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria. ;
They're not happy in Lebanon.
So, where are they happy ?
They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
ARABS:
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's have a look at the evidence: No Christmas. No television. No nude women. No football. No pork chops. No hotdogs. No burgers. No beer. No bacon. Rags for clothes. Towels for hats. Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower. More than one wife. More than one mother-in-law. You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't wash off the smell of donkey. You wipe your ass with your hand. You cook over burning camel ****. Your wife is picked by someone else. Your wife smells worse than your donkey. Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better". No **** Sherlock! It's not like it could get much worse! LOL!

Requiem
01-26-2012, 12:40 PM
Strafen with a dumb joke. Go figure.

broncocalijohn
01-26-2012, 12:50 PM
Strafen with a dumb joke. Go figure.

He ruined the thread with some rip off of a FB post.

v2micca
01-31-2012, 08:48 AM
An old woman came home one day and was shocked to find her daughter using a vibrator.

The daughter calmly explained to her, "Look mom, I'm 43 years old. I'm overweight and I live with my parents. This is the closest to a husband that I'm going to get."

The mother wasn't happy but accepted her daughters explanation. The next week, her husband came home and caught the daughter in a similarly compromising situation.

Once again the daughter explained, "Look dad, its like I told mom. I'm 43, overweight and live with my parents. This is the closest I'm getting to a husband."

The next week, the mother came home to find her husband sitting in front of the television, a beer on one hand and the vibrator in the other.

"Honey, what are you doing?" she asked in shock.

The old man shrugged. "What's it look like. I'm having a beer and watching the game with my son-in-law."

BroncoFanatic
01-31-2012, 10:32 AM
A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"

broncocalijohn
01-31-2012, 12:00 PM
I also love cinnamon buns...but don't always have time to make them....sometimes I'd love to have some cinnamon bun incense, and have my room mates wake up with false hopes

Aw c'mon man...they're crackers...I did not buy them cuz they're edible plates (commenting on the recipes for Ritz crackers)

RIP Mitch Hedberg

Never knew this guy died and he did 6 years ago. I just recently watched him on Comedy Central and his delivery was pretty different then most comedians. He reminded me of Kid Rock with a certain black man's voice. I read his Wikipedia page and understand why and what he did. Had some good funny everyday jokes. The crackers one was longer than you stated and I was laughing pretty hard.

Spider
01-31-2012, 12:27 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

bowtown
01-31-2012, 12:32 PM
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What's stucco?
What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
In Fort Launderdale.


What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What's a frog's favorite drink?
Croaka Cola.

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTUgPfNoaXGmjZ150nJFHE7KSNIK9Xgm JTjpjdlZ-Ugm8t9z10CZUVoKANK

You officially lose this thread.

oubronco
01-31-2012, 12:42 PM
A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure. Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The black man, surprised too, asks, Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?

The nurse says, That sir, is the difference
between ObamaCare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!!!

bronco militia
01-31-2012, 12:47 PM
A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure. Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The black man, surprised too, asks, Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?

The nurse says, That sir, is the difference
between ObamaCare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!!!

BOOM! :rofl:

crawdad
01-31-2012, 02:11 PM
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

A black guy and a white guy are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under the black man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he asks, What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure. Not wanting to cause a problem, he relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The white man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she takes her top off, drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The black man, surprised too, asks, Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?

The nurse says, That sir, is the difference
between ObamaCare and Blue Cross/Blue Shield!!!

Bronco Rob
02-04-2012, 11:09 PM
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says, "Can you make me one with everything"?






:wave:

lonestar
02-04-2012, 11:22 PM
obama is my shepherd; I shall not work.
He keepth jobs out of the hands of the people,
Which leadeth the country to class warfare and polarization.
He encourageth sloth; 
he leadeth the government to new heights in deficit spending.
Yea, though I walk in the shadow of Economic collapse,
I shall fear no depression: for Obama is with me.
His handouts and monetary indiscretion supplement my income.
He maintainest spending increases in the presence of insurmountable debt;
He punisheth businesses with excessive regulations;
And giveth the hard-earned fruits of labor to the unproductive.
Surely, handouts and stimulus payments shall follow all the days of his administration;
And I will stay unemployed forever.

OrangeSe7en
02-04-2012, 11:55 PM
Didn't see the guidelines of this thread. Can we tell Mexican and Polish jokes?

Arkie
02-05-2012, 12:08 AM
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider.jpg


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider.jpg



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.




From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider8.jpg



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider8.jpg

ak1971
02-05-2012, 05:18 AM
Guess its time to dust this one off...and oldie but a goodie..

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****iing remote is.

strafen
02-05-2012, 09:22 AM
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

What did I do wrong?

oubronco
02-08-2012, 09:45 AM
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, I have a headache!

Perfect, her husband said. I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!

55CrushEm
02-08-2012, 10:34 AM
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

What did I do wrong?

Hilarious!

edog24
02-08-2012, 11:00 AM
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

What did I do wrong?

Nice, Hilarious!

White Horses Inc.
02-08-2012, 08:31 PM
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair

because they tried it the other way and they kept filling up with rocks

Miss I.
02-08-2012, 09:54 PM
<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=600><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top align=left>Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Miss I.
02-08-2012, 09:59 PM
Weight Loss for Men

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink Nikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

BroncoFanatic
02-09-2012, 10:31 AM
1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
a
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on
sale.
4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new
argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people
remembering the same thing.

lonestar
02-13-2012, 02:22 PM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an asshole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Miss I.
02-13-2012, 03:58 PM
not a joke per se and if I wasn't so lazy i'd post this on the NE loses again to the giants thread or whatever the official game thread is, but eh...it's funny. NSFW!!! lots of cursing...be advised..

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/L4bpHsNnBFU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

oubronco
02-22-2012, 01:08 PM
After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to F*^$ You, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!

BroncoFanatic
02-22-2012, 01:23 PM
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises
the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you
are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family.

What do you do?

................................................

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for
few days and try to come to a consensus.
................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
.. ..............................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

SleepingTiger
02-22-2012, 01:51 PM
Johnny walks into a bar with a full grown alligator. Bartender ask the guy whats up with the alligator. Johnny proceeds to yell out to get everyone attention. The entire crowd turns toward Johnny and see what all the fuss was about. Johnny told the crowd that he will put his penis in the mouth of an alligator and let the alligator bite down. He would then pull his penis out and show everyone his penis without so much as a scratch and in return all he wants is someone to buy him drinks. Crowd agrees and sure enough, Johnny puts his penis in the alligators mouth and with a loud noise, the alligator bites down. Without so much as any sign of pain, Johnny grabs a beer bottles slams it over the alligators head and pulls his penis out. Much to the amazement of the crowd, not one scratch. The crowd cheers wildly and buys him all the drinks he wanted. Johnny then yells out daring anyone to try and pull this off and he will buy them all the drinks they wanted. The crowd goes quiet until a blond in the back walks up and says "I'll try it, but please don't hit me over the head with the beer bottle"

SleepingTiger
02-22-2012, 02:02 PM
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.



http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/2008/national/spider8.jpg

That is awesome! :rofl:

Hotrod
02-22-2012, 02:13 PM
TheRev LMAO


;)

BroncoMan4ever
02-22-2012, 02:20 PM
what's the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

when i drop a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around for the next 2 weeks

oubronco
02-27-2012, 10:32 AM
I was banging this chick over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "OMG! It's my Husband! Quick, try the back door"

Thinking back, I know I really should have ran....But you don't get offers like that every day

oubronco
02-27-2012, 10:34 AM
A husband and wife are driving home and run over an otter, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold.

The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up" Wife replies "But its all wet and it stinks!" Husband says "Well hold its nose!".

That's when the fight started.

oubronco
02-27-2012, 10:38 AM
A tit, a Vagina and an a-hole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

)TIT: "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

)Vagina: "That's nothing,i give birth to new borns and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

)It's your turn to say something!

Hotrod
02-27-2012, 12:38 PM
I was banging this chick over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "OMG! It's my Husband! Quick, try the back door"

Thinking back, I know I really should have ran....But you don't get offers like that every day

LOL awesome

oubronco
02-27-2012, 02:06 PM
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

Dad asks his son, "Where were you today during school?" The son says, "At school." *Robot slaps son* "Ok, I went to the movies. "Dad says, "Which one? "The son says, "Toy Story." *Robot slaps son again* "Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star. "Dad says, "WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was." *Robot slaps dad* Mom says, "HAHA!! After all he is your son." *Robot slaps mom*

oubronco
02-27-2012, 02:07 PM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked!

oubronco
02-27-2012, 02:10 PM
So I walk into a bar in the middle of nowhere. The sign above the bar says cold beer $2.00, hamburger $2.50, cheeseburger $3.00, hand job $50 . I see the super hot bartender and ask are you the one who gives the hand jobs? She smiles knowingly and says "why yes, yes I am." So I lean over and whisper in her ear "go wash your hands honey I want a cheeseburger"

oubronco
02-27-2012, 02:14 PM
My Dad and I were shopping at the mall, we decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring everytime. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one. In classic style he responded without batting an eye......"Got stoned once and ****ed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.

oubronco
02-27-2012, 02:15 PM
An Arkansas Sheriff stops at a farm in rural Arkansas and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs." The old farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.....on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The old farmer runs to the fence
and yells " Show him ur badge smartass!

lonestar
02-29-2012, 04:04 PM
Why Athletes Don't Have Regular Jobs . . .

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I want all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all

the kids to copulate me."



2. New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers, when asked about the

upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."



3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Redskin's say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"


Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom too."



4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John

Jenkins:

"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."



5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy

like Norman Einstein."



6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

(Now that is beautiful)



7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." . . . And, "You guys pair

up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."



8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."



9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he

keeps a photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my

clothes."



10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training

regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless

of what time it is."



11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explain

ing to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be

an uncle or an aunt."

(I wonder if his IQ ever hit January's outside temperature in Buffalo)



12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"



13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what

he told a player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."



14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."



15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob

Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."




"The problems we face today
exist because the people who work for a living are
outnumbered by those who vote for a living."

lonestar
03-01-2012, 07:39 PM
Tough **** Amigo

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here"
and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.. And I want to have white skin like Americans".
and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . .. . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . .

The fairy said: "Tough ****, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."

oubronco
03-03-2012, 02:12 PM
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a handjob!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, that's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!

oubronco
03-03-2012, 02:14 PM
http://www.islandmix.com/backchat/attachments/f6/44204d1152647905-opp-sex-presents-dirty-jokes-image005.jpg

myMind
03-03-2012, 02:49 PM
Tough **** Amigo


One of, if not the stupidest joke I have ever heard

lonestar
03-05-2012, 09:33 PM
"If you voted for Barack Obama in 2008,
to prove you're not a racist,
You'll have to vote for someone else in 2012,
to prove you're not an idiot."

- Anonymous –

Bronco Rob
03-07-2012, 02:25 AM
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That's wonderful!" says Einstein. "We can talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have so much to discuss!!"

Next, Einstein introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "144." "That's great!" responds Einstein. "We can discuss politics and current affairs."

Finally, Einstein goes to yet another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "49." Einstein immediately responds. "How about those Raiders?"





:thumbs:

v2micca
03-12-2012, 09:49 AM
Young Stacy had learned at an early age that she enjoyed teasing boys with her charms. However, she had also learned that when she tired of their advances, the quickest way to rid herself of them was to stare them straight in the eyes and ask,

"What should we name our children?"

One night after making out with a boy for several hours she looked him in the eyes and asked,

"What should we name our children?"

The boy shrugged and increased his advances. As he was reaching 3rd base, she once again asked,

"What should we name our children?"

The boy once again shrugged before removing their clothes and completing the deed. After they were done. He peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot, and threw it in the garbage bin before saying,

"If he gets out of that, you can call him Houdini."

Victor
03-12-2012, 10:57 AM
obama is my shepherd; I shall not work.
He keepth jobs out of the hands of the people,
Which leadeth the country to class warfare and polarization.
He encourageth sloth; 
he leadeth the government to new heights in deficit spending.
Yea, though I walk in the shadow of Economic collapse,
I shall fear no depression: for Obama is with me.
His handouts and monetary indiscretion supplement my income.
He maintainest spending increases in the presence of insurmountable debt;
He punisheth businesses with excessive regulations;
And giveth the hard-earned fruits of labor to the unproductive.
Surely, handouts and stimulus payments shall follow all the days of his administration;
And I will stay unemployed forever.


Stupid. You are a one-trick Obama pony. We get it...you don't like Obama. Get over yourself, ass.

lonestar
03-15-2012, 10:15 PM
Today's Quote

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.


Give a man a welfare check, a forty-ounce malt liquor, a crack pipe and some
Air Jordan's, and he votes Democrat for a lifetime.

lonestar
03-17-2012, 01:59 AM
The Quote of the Decade:
“The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the US Government cannot pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government's reckless fiscal policies. Increasing America 's debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that, "the buck stops here.' Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better.”
~ Senator Barack H. Obama, March 2006

broncocalijohn
03-17-2012, 12:55 PM
Can we ban Lonestar from this thread? I dont like Obama but this isnt the thread for it. The jokes, if you can call them that, are lame. Mods, erase these lame attempts at hijacking the thread.

lonestar
03-17-2012, 07:08 PM
Can we ban Lonestar from this thread? I dont like Obama but this isnt the thread for it. The jokes, if you can call them that, are lame. Mods, erase these lame attempts at hijacking the thread.

Pray tell where would you PUT them?
To me and loads of folks they are or should I say he is a supreme joke
Played on our country.

Jokes are what is funny.

If it offends you or you do not fond them funny pout me on iggy. And that solves the problem for you.

I have not seen any stipulations on what is considered a joke or funny. Have you?

Mogulseeker
03-17-2012, 07:12 PM
That 2nd from last was a tad racist...

I'm a registered Republican who has done finances for Congressman Mike Coffman and a practicing member of the ELCA, and I recently did a theology paper arguing against James Cone (in particular) and Black Liberation Theology (in general)... but any time you classify people into a general thought, it just isn't right.

Now, a joke:

Two cannibals were eating dinner.

One said, "You know I really hate my sister."

The other replied, "Then just eat the pasta."

lonestar
03-17-2012, 10:09 PM
That 2nd from last was a tad racist...

I'm a registered Republican who has done finances for Congressman Mike Coffman and a practicing member of the ELCA, and I recently did a theology paper arguing against James Cone (in particular) and Black Liberation Theology (in general)... but any time you classify people into a general thought, it just isn't right.

Now, a joke:

Two cannibals were eating dinner.

One said, "You know I really hate my sister."

The other replied, "Then just eat the pasta."

You were saying?

IMHO almost all jokes offend someone.. and in a PC world there would be no humor..

NOW being a practicing cannibal I'm offended by this joke..

lonestar
03-17-2012, 10:10 PM
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," responded the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." She pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair to me, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good. Thank you" said the Queen.

Obama returned to Washington to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," responded Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin at a banquet one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" The next day he met with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


I sure hope anyone from England is not offended.. It was not my intention..

broncocalijohn
03-17-2012, 10:45 PM
^^^ How bad is your joke? Tony Blair is no longer Prime Minister of England. GTFO!

broncocalijohn
03-17-2012, 10:48 PM
Pray tell where would you PUT them?
To me and loads of folks they are or should I say he is a supreme joke
Played on our country.

Jokes are what is funny.

If it offends you or you do not fond them funny pout me on iggy. And that solves the problem for you.

I have not seen any stipulations on what is considered a joke or funny. Have you?

I know it s the opposite of what you are posting. Seriously, if you want examples, Oubronco has some funny jokes in this thread. Don't have this one sent to the Horse's Butt because you are trying to derail it. Once November comes around, I wont be voting for Barack but your attempt at humor is failing. See some of the posts from before for good examples (and they won't piss people off).

lonestar
03-17-2012, 11:25 PM
I know it s the opposite of what you are posting. Seriously, if you want examples, Oubronco has some funny jokes in this thread. Don't have this one sent to the Horse's Butt because you are trying to derail it. Once November comes around, I wont be voting for Barack but your attempt at humor is failing. See some of the posts from before for good examples (and they won't piss people off).

I think there are loads of humor in various things..

I think anything nobama is hilarious..

IF they put this in teh horses ass then start another one..

damm it is really simpler thatn you think it is..

Agian if it pisses you off put me on IGGY.. That is even simpler..

Nite nite..

SoCalBronco
03-18-2012, 12:08 AM
http://broncotalk.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/xanders_elway_fox.jpg

ColoradoDarin
03-18-2012, 09:44 AM
http://broncotalk.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/xanders_elway_fox.jpg

Sadly, this joke isn't only confined to the off season....

Blueflame
03-18-2012, 01:15 PM
Pray tell where would you PUT them?
To me and loads of folks they are or should I say he is a supreme joke
Played on our country.

Jokes are what is funny.

If it offends you or you do not fond them funny pout me on iggy. And that solves the problem for you.

I have not seen any stipulations on what is considered a joke or funny. Have you?

The proper place for politics jokes would be a new "jokes" thread on the WRP forum. I mean, it's that or if too many other posters complain about the political content, there's a possibility of this thread ending up being moved there.

DHallblows
03-18-2012, 02:32 PM
I'll show you something hilarious.

to american citizens that were missionaries..

Hell it did not stop obama with out those qualifications..

As for Tebow I'd guess it is not polotics but Gods work he has in mind....

obama was born in the USA.

Are you really sure?

if it was not for morons like yourself this would be a great place to spend time at..

Small minded morons.. that is what is Hilarious


ROFL! Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are, that's funny. (Just trying to play to your redneck sense of humor)


http://orangemane.com/BB/showthread.php?p=3489210

That One Guy
03-18-2012, 02:52 PM
Well this thread is being ruined by idiots.

If you'd avoid being idiots, we'd appreciate it.

Eldorado
03-19-2012, 12:32 PM
http://cdn1.sbnation.com/fan_shot_images/230240/lol-manning-troll.jpg

lonestar
03-19-2012, 03:18 PM
The proper place for politics jokes would be a new "jokes" thread on the WRP forum. I mean, it's that or if too many other posters complain about the political content, there's a possibility of this thread ending up being moved there.

sorry do not know about WRP can you spell it out.. some of us do not know your short hand..

That One Guy
03-19-2012, 03:26 PM
sorry do not know about WRP can you spell it out.. some of us do not know your short hand..

WRP is the War, Religion, and Politics area. http://orangemane.com/BB/forumdisplay.php?f=25

Just start a political jokes thread and have at it. You'll get a lot more responses as well, I'd suspect.

lonestar
03-19-2012, 04:01 PM
WRP is the War, Religion, and Politics area. http://orangemane.com/BB/forumdisplay.php?f=25

Just start a political jokes thread and have at it. You'll get a lot more responses as well, I'd suspect.

Thanks I try real hard not to live by acronyms alone.. IMO

oubronco
04-01-2012, 09:36 AM
What do you get when you cross a Donkey and an Onion?


A piece of ass that'll make you cry

lonestar
04-06-2012, 08:24 PM
Top Ten Country & Western Songs :


10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable without You It’s like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer



And the Number One Country & Western song is...




1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

lonestar
04-21-2012, 05:21 PM
Doctor's Office and a SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST



An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"



All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man....

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!



DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

v2micca
03-26-2013, 06:35 AM
Here's one for the math nerds

(√(-$h!t))˛

$h!t just got real y'all!